Two women share their take on making a bar mitzvah

Your first son… he’s the one who launches you into the world of trucks and mud and, er, mild physical squabbling. Then he gets older and before you know it, he’s exchanging his T-shirts for button downs and his baseball cap for a Borsalino… and you’re planning your first big simchah. And there’s so much to do… or is there?

The Plan

Tova:

Ahh. It’s been a few weeks since my son’s bar mitzvah, and it would be an exaggeration to say that I’m still detoxing, but… almost. It was the most amazing event on many levels, and I’m eternally grateful for that. But I definitely learned a lot along the way and collected tons of information, trial and error notes, and lots and lots of DIY mistakes and wins.

I tried to keep in mind what I was told by so many people: Savor every minute. Every simchah is special, but a bar mitzvah is extra special in that it’s the only simchah that you have years to plan, the only simchah you have enough energy to be fully present at (as opposed to a bris or kiddush) and the only simchah you don’t need to share with another side! We felt such deep pride and joy about reaching this milestone.

I did put a lot of energy into the details, because, for me, they truly spark joy (and I had a great time with them!). I also tried to put a lot of energy into planning so the simchah would run smoothly so there would be space to truly celebrate the bar mitzvah boy.

Kayla:

Our goal when planning the simchah? Normal. I didn’t want the planning and prep to be too stressful; I worried it would distract us from the essence of the beautiful simchah we’re celebrating. Some opinions view a bar mitzvah as a seudas mitzvah, and many today view it as such, celebrating a major milestone in a young man’s life, but there’s no need to create undue pressure on ourselves, our neighbors, or our families.

I didn’t see a need to entertain the same people at multiple parties (night event plus Shabbos meals and/or kiddush). And while I added a couple of personal customized touches that were meaningful to the bar mitzvah boy, for everything else I aimed for good enough, not perfect or wow. I’m not oblivious or a non-conformist — I live in the Tristate area — but I aimed for the simpler end of normal.

In general, through the planning stages, I tried to be guided by one question: Is this expenditure in line with my values? It turns out, spending many hundreds of dollars on photos, though nearly universal, is not. Nor are $5 apiece miniatures. At the same time, I made a conscious decision not to be in constant shopping mode, and made it a value to choose the first good option, without making myself crazy for the best, or even the best deal. And I didn’t cut corners on things that mattered to the bar mitzvah boy.

Do you love those little custom details? Feel in control when everything is planned out like clockwork months in advance? Go for it. But for the rest of us, don’t worry if you’re flying by the seat of your pants and your tables don’t leave guests gasping in awe. I’m here to normalize normal.