Cocoa Club

Ah, the joys of waking up in the predawn hours, trudging to the camp’s beis medrash (a.k.a. a converted prewar airplane hangar), and learning some Mishnayos with a counselor wearing a sweatshirt who might still be in his pajamas.

Of course, the lukewarm cup of sandy hot cocoa ladled out of a blue, spray-painted commercial garbage can makes it all worth it. Graduates of the Cocoa Club have an extremely high rate of growing up to be people who daven in a vasikin minyan. Even on Shabbos.

Corporate mishloach manos

Typically delivered to employees and clients at least one full week before Purim actually begins, a successful corporate mishloach manos should ideally not contain any actual food. The more packaging and empty boxes covered in wrapping paper, the better.

Be sure to include gifts such as wine-opener sets, napkin rings, or anything else that the recipient clearly has no use for. Extra points are awarded if the package is too bulky to simply be tossed into a regular trash can, and must be painstakingly dismantled to be disposed of. A freilechen Purim!

Crocs

Twenty years ago, every member of Klal Yisrael purchased a pair of Crocs. They are all still in existence.

Originally, Crocs were worn when cooking for Shabbos, when building the succah, and throughout the entire summer season. Today, no one with any self-respect would be caught dead in a pair, except on Tishah B’Av, when it is a special mitzvah to dig the ol’ pair of Crocs out of the closet and wear them to shul. Some devotees are even still sporting their original Jibbitz! Remember those?

Though the younger generations have embraced new styles of casual foam shoes with holes in them, such as Natives or Floafers, the Crocs’ place in history will not soon be forgotten.

Diabolo

A toy popular in the 90s, the diabolo has made a resurgence in recent years. Originally developed as a method for unruly children to release their energy by violently swinging a set of sticks, the diabolo’s use has not changed all that much.

The diabolo has hovered steadily toward the top of sixth-grade boys’ afikomen present lists, but has had trouble overtaking the drone and remote-controlled ATVs, which are all vying for the top spot.

Drey-kup

The guy who sits next to you at a chasunah.

He has many, many, many opinions, and he wants you to hear all of them. The music is too loud, isn’t it? And why did the kallah walk down to “Pnei L’elbon”? That song is terrible!

A true drey-kup will usually ask to borrow your phone. “I have my phone in my pocket,” he’ll explain, “but my battery is only at 85 percent, and I really want to save it, just in case — on the way home from the wedding — I get lost.”

Resist the urge to respond, “Get lost!”

Electric poppers

This fad is swiftly outlasting the life of the fidget spinner craze and is showing no signs of slowing down. A twist on the original silicon popper, this is like a sensory Whack-a-Mole.

Apparently, the various manufacturers of this product all agreed on one universal tune for the background music, and it’s now coming out of everyone’s ears.

End-off

Ending a speech was never something that Yidden were known to be good at.

“…And I’d just like to end off with a wonderful story that I heard mamash this morning, but before I do that, I would like to circle back to something that a few of the previous speakers touched upon, and perhaps offer a number of alternative explanations that might help us understand the point they were trying to make on a deeper level.”

Pro tip: Musicians actually have a built-in radar for detecting speech endings, developed through years of needing to start a dance set just as the speech is over.

A great buzzword to focus on is “takeh.” Seldom is it used at the start of a delivery, but it consistently heralds the sweet words: May we be zocheh takeh to Mashiach tzidkeinu, bimheirah v’yameinu, Amen!

Fasting pills

The Gemara in Bava Kamma (85a) explains how to place a precise monetary value on a human being’s threshold for pain tolerance. The fasting pill industry exploits this phenomenon, chartering new vistas in the sale of time-release pain-management products.

How much money is an easier fast day worth to the average frum consumer? Enough to give you a headache.

Flip out

The origins of this term are unclear, but the accuracy and foresight which it encapsulates can be perceived when we consider the fact that this expression was coined long before smartphones were even a thing.

Originally used to describe the abrupt transformation of a young man from a high school kid to a yeshivah bochur, the flip phone connotations show that this phrase was truly ahead of its time.

Fully loaded

This term is the common denominator between sandwiches and cars.

Schnitzel, pastrami, corned beef. Lettuce, pickles, tomatoes, onions. Russian dressing, garlic mayonnaise, sweet chili.

Backup camera, sunroof, electric doors. Heated seats, chrome rims, tinted windows. Keyless entry, lane assist, that hanger thingy for the back of the driver’s seat.

Greenspan

Shalom, shalom, Greenspan here.

This educational podcast covers a variety of topics, such as shalom bayis, juiced-up esrogim, and Lululemon pants. The show enjoys a cult following among mesivta bochurim, and the rest of us too.

The anonymous host, Rabbi Greenspan, rings a few too many bells in our subconscious and strikes an off-key chord somewhere very deep within us that only years of therapy could hope to uncover. The inconsistency of the program is quite possibly the key to its unprecedented success, as uberfans eagerly await the next episode as soon as one is released.

We could go months without hearing anything from Greenspan, and then get five or six absolute gems in the span of a day or two. This can be compared to bending a hose and squeezing it shut for a while, and then letting go.

Hatzlachah rabbah, shoitah!

Gvir

The coveted title of anyone worth his salt, this is the ultimate trophy in Balabos Land.

Having less to do with the quantity of dollars in one’s bank account than with the model car leased (Genesis or Volvo preferred), the true gvir has one hand on his sidekick’s shoulder and the other clutching his Donors’ Fund card.

Donor’s Fund card? Are you serious? Go get a gabbai tzedakah and then we’ll talk. Until then, you can only dream of being a gvir.

High on the Borei Olam

The predominant emotion of motivational speakers, this is a great replacement for illegal drug use.

Parodied, memed, and even remixed as a song, this phrase lives on as a beacon of light in these trying times. With everyone searching for meaning, maybe it’s high time we all introduced some Borei Olam into our lives.

Hotline

Chassidishe news outlets. Children’s day camps. Bitachon stories. Technology chizuk.

The hotline explosion has taken the frum world by a storm, with experts comparing it to the dot-com bubble of the 90s. There are new hotlines emerging for practically every interest and niche, and callers are clocking hours and hours of ear-time. (That’s the flip phone equivalent of screen time.)

While the secular world is proud of alternative energy options, we take great pride in our alternative technology options. Press 9 to leave a message.

Hoverboard

“Ma, every single kid in my class has a hoverboard!” (He’s actually not exaggerating.)

This is the preferred method of transportation for children going to shul for Maariv, and for blocking the entrance to the shul when the adults come to Maariv.

When a boy says, “I’m collecting money for Mishkan Yosef,” replace the words “Mishkan Yosef” with “hoverboard.”

I hear

As a response to a pshat offered by your chavrusa, this is highly recommended — provided you say it with an enthusiastic inflection.

As a response to your friend’s political opinion, this is pretty pareve and probably qualifies you as an active listener.

As a response to your spouse saying she’d like to go out to dinner, this is probably not the greatest option.

As a taunt to a deaf person, this will make you transgress “Lo sekalel cheiresh.”

Ice cream truck

The children frolic merrily in the vast outdoors. Skipping to and fro, they play childish games and laugh with each other as they share in the innocence of youth.

Suddenly, the idyllic scene is torn asunder. A truck rumbles down the road, blaring an a cappella song that beckons the bystander (in rhyme form) to enjoy the sweet, overpriced ice cream.

All at once, the children drop their playthings. They begin to whine and to tug at their mothers’ skirts.

Thank you, truck. You have destroyed our happiness.

It’s not about the Daf…

…it’s about the Yomi.

A bumper-sticker phrase ostensibly promoting the learning of the Daf Yomi, this seems to take the ikar and make it into the tafel.

An updated version: It’s not about the Daf. Actually, it’s not even about the Yomi. At this point, it’s about the siyum parties.

Jerky

A staple of the famed meat board, jerky is best enjoyed tangy and sticky. Somehow, of all the jerky brands on the market, no two are exactly the same.

Jerky experienced an unprovoked price hike in late 2023, but it seems to be taking a steady price drop as federal interest rates come down.

Jerky is really easy to make at home. In fact, Between Carpools has over a dozen simple jerky recipes and techniques, and that’s why you are not special for knowing how to make jerky.

Jewish music

No accurate definition found

Kerestir

This village in Hungary was launched to international stardom by ardent followers of Reb Shayale Kerestir, who make the trek to his kever seeking yeshuos for their rodent infestations.

Yahrtzeit seudos are often celebrated on the 3rd of Iyar, and thankfully the Bas Ayin’s yahrtzeit is in Kislev, so there is no overlap between the two.

Kumzitz

A spontaneous eruption of collective neshamos, expressing their yearning through the power of song. Scheduled for 9:30 promptly.

A number of professional kumzitz people have begun to dot the music scene, with many sheva brachos-type events preferring the informal vibe of a guitarist who sings Carlebach and Ribo songs over the eighth-grader who plays keyboard. We can’t say we disagree.

Live hookup

Any event that has a live hookup has reached a certain status. To be simultaneously streamed online, broadcast on the radio, and hosted on a plethora of hotlines (see: Hotline) is to reach everyone in Klal Yisrael. The implication is, of course, that the event itself is simply too popular for the venue to contain all the would-be event goers.

Hence, when advertising an event, be sure to include the words, “Live hookup.”

Lucite

A fancy word for plastic.

The history of Lucite can be traced back to the original Lucite product: the round matzah container. This single item dominated the Lucite market for many years, until…

Lucite napkin holders. Lucite washing cups. Lucite benchers. Lucite candelabras.

Question: Is there anything that cannot be made out of Lucite?

Answer: No.

Mesivta gemara

So named for the many mesivta rebbeim who prepare shiur using it, the Mesivta has fast become a staple of the budding talmid chacham. Best used while standing in the back of a beis medrash for some reason.

As shuls across the world scrambled to make space for the nearly 200-volume set they were now expected to house, those who earn their living from bookbinding rejoiced. Be sure to color-code Seder Nashim in pink.

Minyan factory

A fast-food joint for davening. Tefillos served to go.

Legend has it that during a Shacharis in a certain minyan factory, one seat was used by three separate people, each unaware of the other. One of them had left soon after Shacharis began, one came late and left early, and one chapped the tail end of Shacharis. What efficiency!

Morahs

Behind the facade of cheerful Yom Tov songs (TTTO: “London Bridge”) and papier-mâché arts and crafts, playgroup morahs play a pivotal, if unsuspecting, role in world events.

In fact, the widespread institution of midwinter vacation began two decades ago when one playgroup morah’s toddler came down with the flu, and she was forced to close her doors for a week. Rumor has it that when one morah raised her rates in 2022, it set into motion a series of events that ultimately sparked the Inflation of 2023.

Nine Days siyum

If one were to graph a timeline of siyumim celebrated worldwide, a sharp spike would be noticed in the summer. Certain individuals pace their learning schedules, and then proceed to invite everyone in their contacts, including Bar Kamtza, to enjoy a lavish fleishig meal.

Despite having no basis in halachah (the Mishnah Berurah actually decries the practice), this supposed heter has been expanded to include siyumim via Zoom that are displayed on a screen in a restaurant, and can be used for anyone in a one-mile vicinity of the restaurant.

A great prank would be to invite many friends to a Nine Days Siyum, and then serve milchigs.

Na Nach

Someone who is extremely skilled at dancing on the top of a colorful van while wearing a large knitted yarmulke. This is an extremely rare and specific talent, and that is why there aren’t all that many genuine Na Nachs out there.

Overnight kugel

An overcooked delicacy that is served starting from Thursday night’s parlor meeting up to and including Sunday night’s leftovers. This dish proves that there are some things you can never overcook, and the longer you cook them, the better. (This is also the selling point that shadchanim use to promote older bochurim.)

A select few pieces from the pan are often carefully wrapped in silver foil and placed in the cholent to cook an additional 24 hours, just for good measure.

You can bring a potato kugel into your local post office and ask them what they would charge to overnight it.

Out of town

Pretty much anywhere that isn’t Lakewood or Brooklyn. Residents of Monsey would have you believe that they live in-town, but every camp’s Neighborhood Day team breakdown proves otherwise.

Out of town is a charming place, characterized by polite driving habits and warm, friendly greetings of “Good Shabbos!” Chalav Yisrael milk is extremely easy to obtain, provided you enjoy spoiled chalav Yisrael milk.

Pastrami kishke

Kishke with pieces of pastrami mixed into it is called pastrami kishke.

Also available on the market is kishke pastrami, which is a pastrami roast stuffed with a roll of kishke.

Recipe idea: Buy pastrami kishke and use it to stuff a pastrami roast. You will create a pastrami kishke pastrami. Then, chop it up and mix it into a roll of kishke stuffed into pastrami.

Delicious!

Parshah sheets

This week, the girls were SO EXCITED to learn about how bees make honey. They took turns PATIENTLY licking a real piece of honeycomb cereal and buzzing like bees.

Please keep sending in your egg cartons, Pringles containers, and paper towel rolls.

See if you can make out the back of your daughter’s head in this photocopied black-and-white group picture. What nachas!

Play pants

A wonderful innovation that allows rowdy young boys to play outside freely on Shabbos afternoon, without ripping their suit pants.

It used to be, “Shmuly, I can’t believe you tore your suit pants! We just bought them last month!”

Now it’s, “Shmuly, I can’t believe you tore your play pants! We just bought them last month!”

If you don’t believe that this is an exclusively frum term, you can try walking into a department store such as Macy’s and ask a salesperson, “Anshuldigs, where do you keep the play pants?”

Q&A

Shabbatons, asifahs, conventions. You can’t really run an event without some sort of Q&A session. A panel of experts will answer your pre-submitted questions about a wide range of topics, such as parenting, raising children, or chinuch. Each answer will begin with these words: “It really depends on the situation, but….”

It’s not officially a Q&A unless someone moderates it, even if the experts could have done a fine job by themselves. That’s probably not what they mean when they say, “Everything in moderation.”

Rishus-Cold Seltzer

When you’re ready to check out of life, a glass of this ice-cold carbonated beverage will do the trick. The unparalleled mouthfeel of this invigorating delicacy is appreciated by laymen and connoisseurs alike. Pairs well with a Gemara Pesachim and a Rabbeinu Dovid.

At a litvish shalom zachar, you may encounter a stark contrast to this refreshing treat: some tzidkus-cold beer.

Robocalls

Even if you don’t know precisely when suppertime is, the robocalls sure do. Sometimes, it’s a fast-talking Yiddish-speaking chassidish man exhorting you to purchase new tichels and robes. Other times, it’s Yaakov Berger informing you about the deadline to purchase raffle tickets. Still other times, it’s a famous rosh yeshivah calling with a message about a tzedakah.

Just make sure that if the rosh yeshivah ever calls you for real, you don’t instinctively hang up on him.

Recharge your batteries

The ending to every pre-bein hazemanim mussar shmuess, this is the standardized metaphor to describe a vacation. So whether you’re road-tripping in a rental or baking in the Orlando sun rays, get ready to reinvigorate, refresh, and revitalize.

Send me a link

When someone (e.g., a distant relative’s grandchild) calls you about their ongoing 36-hour matching campaign, this response can simultaneously have two opposite connotations:

1. I would like to donate to your campaign, so please send me a link.
2. I would not like to donate to your campaign, so just send me a link.

Notably, this phrase was said by Uncle Yitzy to his younger nephew, Sruly.

Shabbos cereal

A sugary breakfast choice for special days, this is a time-honored Shabbos morning ritual.

There is an overwhelming consensus among the relevant authorities that Fruity Pebbles, Reese’s Puffs, and Trix are classified as Shabbos cereals. There is some debate about the status of Frosted Flakes, being that it bears a strong resemblance to its weekday comrade, Corn Flakes. All agree, however, that Frosted Flakes can be consumed as a Rosh Chodesh cereal.

Shidduch chat

The cardinal rule of a shidduch chat is: Never disclose to the chassan and kallah that their shidduch was suggested on a shidduch chat.

“So how did you guys meet?”

“Um… basically there’s this chat, and both of our résumés happened to be posted on it within a few hours of each other, and the rest is history!”

The only response more embarrassing than that would be, “So you know how the Oorah auction has this prize where you get to meet a shadchan? Well, I guess you could say I paid $5 for my bashert!”

TAG

1. A game you play with your kids, where you chase them around and try to see where they’re hiding.
2. An organization that helps you chase your kids around and try to see what they’re hiding.

Twins from France

For over 15 years, this dynamic duo has been entertaining people in shoe stores. Their acrobatic feats are unmatched even by the most talented “keitzad merakdim” participants.

Once, when a young boy required stitches, his mother brought him to a dermatologist’s office. Above the exam chair, there was a screen on the ceiling playing the Twins from France. Noticing this, the boy’s mother pointed out that it seemed a bit hypocritical to be suturing a patient while simultaneously promoting the juggling of knives.

Tent

1. A place where poor people live.
2. A place where rich people make simchahs.

Upsheren

An aggrandized photo-op for parents to create content to post on their statuses for the week before and after their son’s third birthday.

Generally presents as a backyard event featuring a moonwalk, scissor-shaped cookies, a balloon arch, Lego-themed decor, monogrammed pekelach boxes, and a three-year-old with hair in his mouth.

When invited to an upsheren, be sure to bring along the same alef-beis puzzle gift as everyone else.

Uncle Moishy

“The Pizza Song,” “Willaby Wallaby,” “Hey Dum Diddly Dum.” Uncle Moishy has produced many of the greatest hits of our youth, and of our youth’s youth. His jolly demeanor and excellent hand-waving skills have made him a beloved figure to Jewish children worldwide.

In one of his videos (was it Volume 17?), he is seen smiling and waving as he boards a helicopter ready for takeoff. This scene quickly became a classic, and cemented in the minds of children the association between Uncle Moishy and the helicopter.

Once, during an outdoor Uncle Moishy concert, a helicopter flew overhead. Instantly, all the children pointed at the sky. “Uncle Moishy!”

Vacht Nacht

A fully catered sit-down fleishig seudah with every distant relative in attendance.

Recently, certain communities have issued standards for a takanah vacht nacht, but these have yet to be accepted by the general public.

There is a minhag brought down in seforim to perform a bris on the baby the next day.

Villiamsburg

As per Mrs. Zomberg’s request, this is the name of a Southern state beginning with the letter V.

She will have none of this gregarious laughter in this class!

Virginia Virginia Virginia Virginia….

Vibes

1. A 70s term that used to evoke long-haired people in flower power clothes, this has transmogrified into a way to describe anything that is or is not enticing (i.e. “Totally not a vibe”). This word expresses the inexpressible; it subtly captures the most abstract concepts.

“Zalmy, it looks like you haven’t shaved in a month! What’s with you? You look terrible!”

“Road trip vibes.”

2. The Yiddish word for “wives”.

Wafer roll

This pesky critter hibernates 11 months of the year, only surfacing in Adar to haunt your mishloach manos dreams. Many successful balabustas have unfortunately fallen prey to the trap of including a box of these delicious cylinders in their packages, even if they didn’t match the theme.

As for actually eating them, the target market for consumption is the exact same demographic as those people who enjoy mint thins.

Wedding intro

Wildly flailing white arches, the kallah’s close friends can’t wait for the doors to burst open for the grand entrance!

On the other side of the mechitzah, random people who vaguely know each other lock arms and bob their heads to whichever non-Jewish song the keyboard guy decided to play off his phone.

…Here they come! Time for the chassan’s tallest friend to shine. This is your moment!

Worldly

Used only to describe boys, and then again, only boys who are in shidduchim, this adjective means that the boy knows more things than the person describing him. There are a number of ways to earn this title, chief among them having read many issues of Zman.

You open bottles?

This is a question posed only in group settings, such as at shabbatons or in camp.

Of the many ways to split Klal Yisrael into sects, Bottle Openers and Non-Bottle Openers is probably the most relevant.

It’s also a great way to practice your amirah l’Yisrael skills. “Boy, would I like some soda from that closed bottle over there! Say, are you a Yekkeh, by any chance? Or is that even a thing that Yekkehs do?”

Yuntiff

One of the most common distortions of a word, the virtually universal acceptance of this pronunciation is unparalleled, except for Shalashudis. As an additional touch, a T can be added to the beginning of this word to convert it into a traditional holiday greeting.

Zebra shades

Usually, it’s very hard to get Yidden to agree on anything. However, for some reason, every frum homeowner, interior designer, and window-shade installer agree: You need zebra shades.

From the perspective of a meshulach going door to door, this trend is extremely helpful. In the evening hours, from the vantage point of the street, it can be hard to discern whether or not a home has a mezuzah on the doorpost. Now, that’s a thing of the past. All it takes to identify a frum home are stripes of light emanating from every window in the house.

Zug besser

The ultimate passive-aggressive condescending compliment. “Nu, you’re saying good. Say better.” In essence, it is tantamount to saying, “Nu, you’re saying good. Now try to figure out what I want to say.”

(For some reason, this is only acceptable when critiquing an idea or a pshat. We would never say, “Nu, you’re looking gantz good. But I think you could look better.”)

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1008)