“You should not hate your brother in your heart.” (Vayikra 19:17)

Everyone knows that when a person is wronged by his friend he may not take revenge or bear a grudge. He is obligated to forgive his friend and to remove any hatred in his heart. But not everyone knows the secret of how to do this. How can you rule your heart? (Rav Aharon Neiman Darchei Mussar)

When I was introduced to Rena at my new job I thought she was very nice. She smiled often was very self-confident and had a sharp sense of humor.

We never really became friends but we greeted each other politely every morning and maintained the cordial relationship of coworkers.

One morning I approached her for assistance as I needed a program from the department she heads. She answered me shortly “I hope I’ll have the time.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I wondered aloud without any anger.

“Nothing I’m just busy right now and I’m not sure I’ll be able to fit this in with all the other important things I need to do.

Was I oversensitive or did she manage to subtly emphasize the word “important” implying that my issue did not qualify for this description? 

But this is your job! And if you can’t do it maybe you shouldn’t be in charge! I caught these words before I blurted them out. It was a close call. But I was upset. Very upset.

In the end she did what I needed. And it seemed to me that what I needed really wasn’t even such a big deal or so time-consuming. But somehow she managed to impart to me a message that she wasn’t interested in helping. And she succeeded. My bad feelings were tangible. I sat angrily reviewing her words and I realized that there I didn’t have a single positive thought left about her. Only embarrassment and anger.

I have never heard one compliment from her! my inner voice raged. I have never heard her offer to help me. Not even an ounce of time or energy to assist me. She really wanted me to understand that she didn’t want to be bothered with this.

I try to keep positive relations with all my coworkers. And most of the people around me try to do the same. Now suddenly I find myself with an unfamiliar feeling. An aversion mixed with anger. Humiliation with revenge. Is this hatred? I don’t want to actually hate anyone!

If a person harms his friend and the friend doesn’t retaliate but nevertheless avoids speaking with him at all then this means his friend still harbors hatred in his heart for him. (Ibid.)

I try to convince myself that it doesn’t bother me. I comfort myself that I didn’t blow up and answer her. But somehow the chasm that has sprung up between us continues to widen. Every time I meet her the chasm grows filled with accusations and recriminations that lie buried in my heart. 

Rav Yisrael Salanter teaches a good way to forgive somebody: do a favor for him. Pay back good for bad. Then you’ll uproot hatred. Because through this favor the other man will feel closer and will regret what he did. (Ibid.)

Good for bad. I roll the idea around on my tongue. Like tasting a new food. Good for bad. What an odd taste. Why would I want to do even a smidgen of a favor for her? Give me one good reason to do this!

The whole world speaks about good middos; everyone understands that bad middos are what destroyed the world and brought all our troubles. Furthermore we all know that loving your friend is as Rabbi Akiva said a major precept in the Torah. But the Saba MiKelm adds that this is a primary rule in the fulfillment of Torah. This is the main reason for keeping the Torah. When there are bad middos in a person they prevent him from properly fulfilling the mitzvos of the Torah since his impurity comes from within. (Ibid.)

I want to resolve this. But how?

I can buy her a small gift or leave a bouquet of flowers on her desk. Maybe I’ll bring her a slice of cake to show I remember how much she likes cheesecake. I’ll ask about her daughter who just graduated. And maybe when I’m making myself a coffee I’ll make one for her as well.

Small steps. Unsteady. But I hear the angels singing and my soul is happy.

How wonderful is it to fulfill the words of our chachamim. 

Love your friend. Not for her sake. For yours.