How do we raise emotionally healthy, happy kids without giving in to the endless desires for stuff?

In our age of plenty, it seems as if our kids just want more and more. How do we raise emotionally healthy, happy kids without giving in to the endless desires for stuff? Where does the desire come from--and what can we do about it?

Ayala, 40, Chicago

Chaya, 35, LA

Miri, 38, Flatbush

Leah, 42, Beitar

Raizy, 33, Lakewood

Elisheva, 45, Yerushalayim

Ayala

Everyone’s always saying how if it were up to them, they wouldn’t go for all the materialism around them, but there’s just so much pressure… from the parents in the class, from the mechutanim, from the other side, always the other side.

I want to hear from the other side. Where is the other side? I want to hear from people who buy $180 stretchies for their babies. I want to hear why they do that.

Chaya

They’re also pressured.

Leah

I’d like to hear about their pressure. Where is it coming from?

Chaya

Every circle has pressure. There’s always going to be someone with a leg up.

Raizy

No one is going to admit that they are creating the pressure. They’re going to tell you that they have to do it. They don’t have a choice. I read a really interesting piece recently about billionaire pressure. Their pressure is like, whose plane is outfitted and in which way? Apparently, there are light switches that cost hundreds of dollars that no one would notice is any different from a simple light switch, but they’re pressured to have it.

Ayala

You’re touching on something, Raizy. I have this theory that you don’t have peer pressure from people outside of your social group. So I’m never going to be in competition with billionaires, but I’ll feel super competitive with the people who have a similar lifestyle to mine.

Raizy

Right. Like in secular society, you live with your class, there are upscale neighborhoods, middle- and lower-class neighborhoods. In frum society we live with our “type,” which is not necessarily tied to money.

But then again, materialism has nothing to do with how much money you have, and everything to do with your mindset.

Ayala

True. And that makes things so difficult. At what point do I have to give in to society’s expectations so that my kid will not feel less than? If I don’t want my kid to have something for whatever reason, whether it’s frumkeit, whether it’s financial, or anything, at what point is it just too bad on me?

Leah

I’m taking a parenting class here in Israel, and the instructor is very into this. She strongly believes that if 80 percent of the class has something — we’re talking about teenagers right now, and you did your research and you found out it was really 80 percent, not like your kid came home and said “everyone,” and you found out it was one kid — if 80 percent of the class has something, you go and get that thing. That’s it. You do it.

Raizy

This advice sounds spectacularly bad to me. Let’s just give in to whatever everyone else is doing. Let’s just keep giving in. We don’t have a choice, so let’s just throw up our hands in defeat.

Chaya

My sister-in-law was just apologizing to me for buying her daughter a $500 coat. She was like, “Everyone’s buying it.” I was like, really? A $500 coat? Does it really go that far, Leah?

Leah

I think it does. Do your research. Find out what’s going on in your community, in your neighborhood, and be normal. Make sure your kid feels normal. I don’t care if your husband’s an avreich and you have no money. Do it.

Raizy

That’s not an answer. Are you telling everyone to go into debt to satisfy the whims of a teenager? It affects shalom bayis, it affects the rest of the home. It affects the younger kids who don’t know anything about fashion because their older siblings need it. How is it that an entire family has to revolve around and capitulate to a teenage girl? What kind of advice is that? What is the fallout from this?

Leah

But what happens when you’re the only girl in your class with a nerdy coat and everybody else has the other coat?

Raizy

If 80 percent of the kids in my kid’s class were watching something that I thought was violent and not okay, I would not let because 80 percent of the kids were watching it. So why when it comes to having a $500 coat, do people suddenly give in? People have to learn how to think and live and be confident in themselves.

Leah

I want my kids to feel like gashmiyus is not something that’s eating away at them, which is why I try to fill them in a way that they have everything they need — and also feel like they’re normal.

Chaya

I like that. I always wonder if when you have it and your cup is filled, it doesn’t become a focus.

Leah

That’s my feeling, Chaya.

Raizy

But does the logic stand that when you give someone something, they’re less obsessed with it? I see the opposite. The most materialistic are the ones who are chasing materialism. It’s one of the yetzer haras of the day. People are chasing gashmiyus endlessly: The more you have, the more you want.

Miri

You’re missing a key factor here. The cup filled is a great mashal, but the work is to make sure yours is a fillable cup. Some people have a bottomless cup, and that’s really the problem. But that’s not a materialism problem. It’s a personality flaw. If you’re the kind of person who is never going to be happy, then you’re never going to be happy. You have to develop those life skills to be satisfied with what you have.

Ayala

So how do you teach your children?

Miri

How do you develop any middah? It’s hard.

Chaya

Just work on being content.

Miri

Yes. Think about it and be in the moment. Be cognizant of why you’re making the choices you’re making. Not just doing things because everyone else is doing it or not thinking things through.