“I stand by the fence and peek into the schoolyard. My heart breaks when I see Yossi standing by himself. He doesn’t know how to make friends.”

“My daughter Estie is seriously shy. I keep trying to encourage her to pick up the phone and invite friends over or at least accept the invitations she gets. But she refuses to even try. She has her one good friend and she sticks to her like glue. I’m really worried about her.”

“My husband is very good one-on-one. But he is really bad in groups of people — even at our own Shabbos table. He’ll give a short dvar Torah and then say virtually nothing for the remainder of the meal. I’m the one who has to keep the conversation going. It’s very uncomfortable.”

Socially Challenged

Some of us are socially challenged. That’s just the way it is. Socially challenged people don’t choose to be this way; it’s much more fun to be socially comfortable! They are for the most part born into this condition. Shyness awkwardness self-consciousness — they’re all manifestations of a certain type of anxiety. Socially anxious people may feel inhibited judged inadequate or uncomfortable around people they don’t know. In some cases they may even feel this way around people they’ve known for a long time.

Certain treatments and therapies can sometimes help increase social competence and social ease. However many socially challenged people will retain at least some of discomfort throughout their lives. Still most people will eventually find ways to cope and work around their social issues if not completely cure them. The challenge is for family members of socially anxious people to find a way to do the same!

Dealing with Socially Challenged Family Members

A common error is to reprimand a socially anxious family member. “Just smile for goodness sake! Make people feel comfortable!” “Helpful suggestions” do not really help socially uncomfortable people and they may even do damage to those socially anxious. Instructions are often experienced as criticisms further eroding confidence. Those whose discomfort is minimal can benefit from learning and practicing a social-skill set but depending on age and ability this set may be best learned from books social skills classes or behavioral therapists —– not relatives. Those whose discomfort is intense will benefit much more from psychological and perhaps pharmaceutical treatment than from “helpful tips.”

Social discomfort ranges on a scale from “personality style” (a way of being that doesn’t significantly interfere with functioning in the world) to “social phobia and/or anxiety” (disorders that cause significant distress and do interfere with ability to function). When a person is socially uncomfortable rather than truly anxious the best treatment may be no formal treatment at all. Instead a person can learn specific techniques and strategies to reduce social discomfort to be used on a “per need” basis. For instance using EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) before a simchah or a performance can increase confidence and relaxation. The technique can be employed hours days weeks or even longer before an event to help eradicate nervousness. Used consistently over time this tool can eliminate many types of social nervousness. For instance many people have overcome their fear of public speaking or making Kiddush and other public brachos by using EFT. Bach Flower remedies can also be helpful for those who feel stressed in social scenes — especially mimulus cerato or Rescue Remedy. A person can also consult a Bach Flower practitioner for a specially made mixture of remedies. 

Introverted Shy or Social Phobic

Introverts — those who prefer their own company and the company of a small group of trusted friends — should be allowed to be themselves. It is not that introverts are incapable of socializing; rather introverts are drained by social interactions while extroverts are energized by them. Often introverts become deeply involved in their own projects and activities devoting “social time” to these personal and/or professional pursuits. As a result introverts often make great contributions to humanity!

Shy kids and adults — those who wish they could be more outgoing but simply can’t — can be offered help to reduce their discomfort (see above) but should also be accepted just as they are. Shy people can lead full normal healthy lives spending time with a smaller group of people.

True social phobics are suffering. These people experience panic and painful anxiety in social situations. Parents and spouses cannot cure their family member’s social phobia. This condition requires professional help.

People who live with socially anxious children or spouses want to help them be happy. The best help that they can give is to be accepting and supportive and to refrain from criticism. Pointing them toward appropriate tools or professionals can also be helpful but after that it is important to step back. Socially anxious people will find their own way.