A goal should be specific because sweeping statements generally aren’t helpful. Don’t say “I want to be a better davener.” Say “I’m going to set aside X amount of time for davening every day”

J ust two hours ago you were like an angel. Your tearstained face was turned heavenward in heartfelt prayer. Your heart was bursting with love and compassion for your family your friends and neighbors and all Am Yisrael. “This year” you whispered to Hashem “this year things will be different.”

And now?

That tearstained face is turned downward at the puddle of juice on the kitchen floor — which everyone is trekking through on their way to the succah, leaving a trail of sticky footprints in their wake. While the younger kids are fighting over which decorations should go where and your husband is frantically looking for the hammer, your yeshivah bochurim are complaining they’re still hungry and there’s nothing to eat. As for your sem girls, they’re studying the Yom Tov menus you’ve prepared, crossing out your tried-and-true, simple-to-make dishes and replacing them with recipes they’ve just seen in Family Patchkeh — the ones with 39 ingredients each and 66 steps to prepare.

Just when you’re sure your nerves can’t get any more frazzled (your cue to reach for another piece of cake — your third, but who’s counting at this point?), the baby wakes up screaming and the neighbors’ kids knock on the door, asking if they can borrow a flashlight (Where are the spare batteries?) and a package of plastic cups (What are all those clean cups doing in the trash?!).

By the time you crawl into bed, exhausted, Yom Kippur seems like a million years ago. As for the resolutions you made, you can barely remember what they were — although you have a niggling suspicion you’ve already broken every one of them. To make matters worse, the same thing happens year after year, leaving you feeling defeated before the year has even truly begun.

If only you could hit the rewind button, you mumble, as you drift off to sleep. If only this Motzaei Yom Kippur you could have done things differently and gotten the year off to an amazing start.

Consider the following your personal rewind button.

Food Matters

While working on middos and mitzvah observance is important, the first order of business after Yom Kippur ends is to make sure everyone is fed.

Plan for Success

Mrs. Yitti Bisk:

Your calmness will affect all those around you, so make that a priority over chores that aren’t that important. You know there are only X amount of hours, so do the math and cut out time wasters. For instance, one huge pot of soup is a lot quicker to prepare than four different appetizers. Serve a store-bought cake instead of a homemade dessert.

A Soup-er Healthy Meal

Shira Isenberg:

The first thing to do after the fast is replenish fluids. The best drink is water. If you prefer to drink a cup of juice to bring up your glucose levels, that’s fine — just stick with one cup. Avoid caffeinated drinks at this point, if possible.

As for the break-fast meal, a light meal is best. You don’t need to replace an entire day’s worth of calories in one meal — and you’ll probably feel awful afterward if you do. Soup makes a great break-fast meal because of the water content and because it’s generally lighter. Pass on cream-based soups, but vegetable, bean, squash, sweet potato, and leek soup are all great.

Even if you normally limit carbs, you’ll need some after the fast to replenish your glucose and get your energy back.

If your minhag is to have fleishig, stick with lighter fare. Chicken is a better choice than meat — and skip the heavy sauces or anything fried.

Disclaimer: People with health conditions or on specialized diets should follow their health-care provider’s advice. Consult with both your doctor and rabbi before the fast to find out how to proceed.

The Dreaded  “D” Word

Thought about losing a pound (or 20) this year? Is it possible to turn those great intentions about dieting into concrete action, with Yom Tov just around the corner? Our experts weigh in:

Shira Isenberg:

The holidays aren’t the best time to start a weight-loss plan. But if you’ve resolved to make healthy changes to your eating habits, you don’t want to lose your momentum. So here are some ideas:

Decide if weighing yourself will help or hinder your progress. If it will keep you on track, weigh in on a regular basis during the Yom Tov season. If it will make you discouraged — let’s face it, it’s much harder to drop any weight during this time — skip the scale until after Yom Tov. When you do weigh yourself, make that your starting weight.

Have a strategy for mealtimes — i.e., I will eat one piece of challah, skip the appetizer, have one serving of the main course, one piece of kugel, and salad. Decide whether dessert is necessary for you. If it is and you’re the chef, don’t make those desserts that you “loooooove.” Make something that everyone else likes but that you could live without — you’ll feel less tempted to overindulge.

In general, don’t overcook. Trust me, you have enough food! If you’re worried about getting hungry between meals, stock up on lots of fruits and vegetables to snack on.

Visualizations can help. For instance, before you reach for that second helping, picture yourself at your goal weight and wearing something you love, or doing an activity you can’t do now, such as walking up steps or running a mile, or doing it more easily,

Mrs. Yitti Bisk:

Goals tend to be more successful when they are framed positively. “I will make healthy choices” or “I want to feel better about my health and my body” is more enticing than “I need to lose 20 pounds” — especially when that chocolate-fudge brownie is talking to you!

Tip: When having that first beverage after the fast, take the time to savor both the words of the brachah and the taste of the drink. Let that moment of awareness be your first step toward more mindful davening for the rest of the year.

The Anusim’s Secret Ingredient

Like many Sephardim, the Anusim of Spain and Portugal would break their fasts with a hot or cold drink, followed by a chicken or meat dish, although fish was also popular. But crypto-Jews living in Mexico had their own delicious way to end the fast: chocolate!

Chocolate, which is made from cacao seeds, originated in Mexico. By the 17th century, many Mexican Anusim were involved in the cacao trade, and drinking hot chocolate was part of their daily diet. Therefore, when the crypto-Jews requested the drink after Yom Kippur, their non-Jewish servants didn’t suspect a thing.

Of course, they didn’t have only chocolate. According to the records of the Mexican Inquisition, after enjoying their chocolate drink, the Anusim would eat a regular meal.

Siddur Strategies

Tefillah is so important, how can we avoid the trap of davening by rote?

Mrs. Dina Schoonmaker:

Some of the gedolim used to put simanim in their siddur to remind them about their kabbalos. You can do the same by finding a word or pasuk in the daily davening that reminds you of your kabbalah and highlighting it. For example, many of the birchos hashachar can be understood in an emotional/psychological context:

She'asah li kol tzarki (Who provided me with all my needs) — a reminder not to be jealous or complain.

Hameichin mitzadei gaver (Who guides the steps of man) — a reminder not to be anxious about the future; Hashem will take me exactly where I have to go.

If you prefer not to write in your siddur, you can put your reminders anywhere you will regularly run into them, such as on your fridge or mirror. If you’re worried they might look spiritually ostentatious, write them as a subtle hint that only you will understand.

That’s Not Doodling, It’s Marginalia!

Marginalia, or margin notes, have a long history; as long as there have been manuscripts and books, there have been people writing in the margins. According to the British Library, just about anything added to a page’s margins counts: corrections to the text, translations, explanations of unusual words, cross-references, personal notes, and drawings such as diagrams, decorations, and even doodles.

While some feel that anything written in the margin desecrates the original work, others believe that marginalia can provide fascinating and sometimes important insights into how books were used by their readers — especially when a book has been passed down from owner to owner over hundreds of years.

Tip: If you feel uncomfortable marking up your siddur with ink, at first try writing your notes in pencil, which is erasable. A pencil (sticky notes work too) has another advantage: You can easily change the word or pasuk you want to concentrate on that particular day, week, or month. Since with time it’s just as easy to gloss over your notes as the printed text, rotating your notes and adding new ones can help keep your davening more focused.

Middos ABC’s

Just as one mitzvah leads to the performance of another one, success breeds success. That’s why experts advise to start with just one improvement you’d like to make; when you’ve accomplished that, you can move on to another. Here are a few tips to get you started and keep you on track:

Rebbetzin Elisheva Kaminetsky:

There is a concept that comes from the business and time management world about having SMART goals. SMART is an acronym for the following:

Specific: A goal should be specific, because sweeping statements generally aren’t helpful. Don’t say, “I want to be a better davener.” Say, “I’m going to set aside X amount of time for davening every day.”

Measurable: A goal should be measurable. At a certain point you should be able to say, “I did it!”

Achievable: A goal should be achievable — and that varies from person to person. A certain kabbalah may work well for someone else, but it may not be right for you. Just as you have to vary standards for a child, you have to vary them for yourself.

Relevant: A goal should be relevant; it should be something you care about. Is everyone else talking about losing weight? If you’re not passionate about losing ten pounds, this probably isn’t a good goal for you to take on.

Time bound: A goal should be time bound; it has to accomplish something at a specific time of day or within a specific time frame. “Every week, I will dedicate X amount time to chesed,” or “I’ll give X amount of time to the children at bedtime, or focus on my husband.” The goal can be daily, weekly, or monthly.

When all five components are in place, you’ve given yourself a goal that is achievable. If they aren’t there, your attempts won’t be consistent and therefore you probably won’t attain your goal.

Mrs. Yitti Bisk:

The desire to be a better person is a yearning, and that’s great. In order to turn that yearning into a concrete goal, here are three steps:

1. Decide what you want (to accomplish), not what you don’t want. “I will maintain my composure” versus “I will not yell at my kids.” (Sometimes it helps to ask: “When I won’t be doing X, what will I be doing instead?)
2. Make your goal action-oriented and specific. Instead of “I will maintain my composure,” perhaps say, “I will take four deep, slow breaths before answering someone when I’m feeling upset.”
3. Keep your goal bite-sized. “Always staying calm” is a mountain too high to climb. Ask yourself what will be the very first sign that you are getting closer to this goal. And congratulate yourself when you get there. It’s huge.

WAH! Why Acronyms Help

Why do acronyms help us remember things? An acronym is a type of mnemonic device — a memory technique that helps the brain encode and recall important information. Creating a shortcut also makes it easier for the brain to retrieve large chunks of information.

Other types of mnemonic devices are creating rhymes or visual associations to remember a person’s name (i.e., Rachel is swell, or Miriam and a well); using landmarks to remember a route; and breaking large amounts of information into smaller and more manageable chunks, as is done with telephone numbers.

Tip: You don’t have to rely on others for acronyms. You can make them up yourself, so be creative. For instance, here’s one I came up with for when I’m feeling out of control: Don’t sob — SOB! Stop. Observe. Breathe. Now it’s your turn!

One Last Thing …

Mrs. Dina Schoonmaker:

Set yourself up for technical success. Give away the skirt that you decided was too short. Put a posek’s number on your speed dial. Buy the book about patience, and put it on your night table.

Mrs. Yitti Bisk:

Work with your strengths. My neighbor loves to make fancy dishes. But decorating my succah is my strength and makes me happy (my goal). So I spend more time in that area and make simpler meals.

And daven! Ask Hashem to give you the simchah and patience you need for that day/hour/moment.

Rebbetzin Elisheva Kaminetsky:

Instead of just suppressing the problem or treating just the symptom, try to go back to the root cause of why you’re having trouble with a certain middah. For instance, if you’re jealous of someone, ask yourself, what is the root of this feeling? Perhaps you need to create more menuchas hanefesh (peace of mind) or self-confidence. If you know why you’re reacting in a certain way, you can tackle the root of the issue and achieve more long-lasting success.

Shira Isenberg:

Even though you’re busy, try to find the time for some regular exercise, whether it’s a long walk or your regular exercise routine. Exercise is also important for mental health, and it’s a great stress relief that can help you avoid turning to food for emotional comfort.

Words to Remember

When the going gets tough, remember this advice from Rav Yisrael Salanter: “When faced with a difficult situation, ask yourself what you would do if it were Ne’ilah, the closing moments of Yom Kippur.”

Tip: Just as you’ve been encouraged to take baby steps toward your goal, remember that your spouse and kids, as well as your neighbors and coworkers, aren’t going to turn into angels overnight either. Notice when they take a small step forward. And when they take a step backward, judge them as you’d like others to judge you.

Contributors

Mrs. Yitti Bisk is a certified marriage educator who gives relationship skills workshops to women. She is also a skilled kallah teacher. She lives in Ramat Beit Shemesh.

Shira Isenberg is a registered dietitian and writer in Memphis, Tennessee. She has a master’s degree in public health nutrition from Hunter College in New York.

Rebbetzin Elisheva Kaminetsky has been teaching for over 25 years. She is the director of religious guidance at the Stella K. Abraham High School (SKA/HALB) in Woodmere, New York. She is also a kallah teacher and popular lecturer.

Mrs. Dina Schoonmaker is a teacher, popular lecturer, and relationship counselor. She runs WomensVaad.com and teaches in Michlalah Jerusalem College.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 561)