The mixed emotions of marrying off a child and how we can maintain our equilibrium through it all

Marrying off a child can cause a cacophony of conflicting emotions, from joy and excitement to frustration and overwhelm. Here, mothers, kallah teachers, and therapists unpack why we feel this way and show us how we can maintain our equilibrium through it all

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a sunny summer afternoon, on a quiet street in Brooklyn, Naomi sat in her car, buried her face in her hands, and cried. She’d spent months shopping with her daughter in preparation for her wedding. Naomi had always enjoyed a close relationship with her daughter, and the engagement drew them even closer. And now, weeks after the wedding, she felt her daughter’s absence keenly. She felt as if she had a hole in her heart.

It was different for Chedva, whose daughter had married a couple of months ago. Chedva just couldn’t wait for the whole thing to be over. When people told her to enjoy every second of shopping because, “I’s so much fun,” she felt like there was something wrong with her. The shopping had been such a source of acrimony between them.

While the experiences of Naomi and Chedva seem diametrically opposed, both experiences are common for women during a child’s engagement, and after their marriage. In fact, a whole slew of unexpected feelings may arise, ranging across the entire spectrum of emotions — none uncommon or unusual. Yet many moms are taken by surprise. They expect positive feelings exclusively — gratitude and happiness — and when those are accompanied by unexpected and unpleasant ones, many feel guilty and ashamed, not realizing that they aren’t alone.

“Anyone who thinks a child’s engagement is all happiness, excitement, and relief is going to be in for a wild ride,” says Rivky, who has married off four children. “It’s definitely exciting in the beginning,” she says, “but then many underlying emotions come up. There’s happiness, of course, but it’s mixed with worry, sometimes anxiety, and stress. No one warned me that I was going to have this crazy mix of feelings and be all over the place. I was caught off guard.”