Your definitive guide to the unwritten rules of frum life

The mental load of making sure you say and do the right thing at the right time is a heavy one. We get that. That’s why we’ve prepared this primer: a starting point to help you navigate those awkward “who can I ask” situations and give you the confidence to do the right thing on the spot. For the scenarios we haven’t covered here, well, remember to treat others as if your mother is watching. (And bear in mind that truly classy people would never tell others how to behave, so why are you taking advice from us anyway?)

Service Providers and Babysitters

Do I tip the delivery guy?

Yes, and these days, delivery apps really make this easy to do and easy to cop out on. That minimum wage driver is saving you considerable time and energy, so there’s no reason he should suffer because UberEats charges $30 in fees for your $20 salad. Furniture deliveries and the like should get a cash tip — you know in advance that they’re coming, so get to an ATM before if necessary.

My kid sees a speech therapist once a week in school. Do I need to include her on my Chanukah gift list?

Yes, especially if your child is receiving free services and you’re not paying her directly. No, if your child is just the vessel for meaningless per diem payments that she’s getting for providing specialized babysitting services.

I want to give all of my kids’ teachers end-of-year presents. I want to be the sort of person who models hakaras hatov, but when you add up assistants and biur tefillah teachers and gym class, it’s eight teachers for each of my five kids. Help!

Every single teacher deserves, at the very least, a nice thank-you note which includes something less generic than, “Thanks for giving Raizy a great year!” If you can afford it, buy gifts for your children’s main teachers — rebbe, mechaneches, any teacher they have twice a week or more that they connected to. First choice should be money, everything else is tied for second place.

How much should I pay my babysitter?

Considering that a good babysitter is the single most useful tool in a mother’s kit, err on the side of you-need-them-more-than-they-need-you.

You could ask her when you hire her, but if she doesn’t have a number in mind, do some due diligence and find out the going rate in your neighborhood. Be extra generous if the kids are awake and need to be entertained.

If your babysitter is a family member who won’t accept money, buy her something thoughtful to show that you aren’t taking her for granted — if you can afford to spend what you would have spent on a babysitter, great, otherwise, spending less is okay if you include a nice note.

Do babysitter pay rates vary by night/day?

Usually not, but you should always ask before hiring. Overnight babysitters should be paid per hour the same way a standard babysitter is, unless you agree to a flat fee beforehand.