“I’m always uncomfortable with my husband when we’re in a public setting. I know that people don’t respect him”

I

’m often embarrassed by the things my husband does. When we have guests, I feel I need to tell him not to be so loud, to stop making silly jokes, or to stop talking about boring subjects. He’s like a socially awkward kid who needs constant guidance. He really doesn’t like it when I tell him how to behave in public, and he tells me he feels I don’t accept who he is. But he’s so embarrassing! What can I do about this?

A lot of women are embarrassed by their husband’s behavior. They are, after all, grown-up “girls.” Girls are more likely to be compliant with social “rules,” etiquette, and the general “proper” behavior. They are, as a group, less likely to talk with their mouths full of food, burp at the table, insult people to their faces, attack them physically, or do the myriad of other impolite things that boys tend to do.

Girls tend to be very conscious of social behaviors and social cues, body language, and interpersonal communication — a skill set they use extensively in mothering. Boys are different. The analysis of the minutiae of daily social interaction isn’t usually their routine priority.

Looking Good

“I’m always uncomfortable with my husband when we’re in a public setting. I know that people don’t respect him. He comes across in such an arrogant manner. I’ve asked him to tone it down, to stop talking about himself and everything he’s doing, but when I do that, he gets really upset. He tells me I should stop trying to control him.”

Spouses tend to feel that their partners are an extension and reflection of them. He’s making her look bad — or at least, this is how she feels. Embarrassment is a truly uncomfortable feeling, and it’s natural that a woman would want to prevent it from occurring by “training” her spouse to behave in the manner she deems acceptable. The problem is, of course, that 1) husbands don’t want to be changed and 2) they don’t need to be.

Prioritizing and Emphasizing Criticism

Criticism is the change strategy most popular among both spouses and parents. The hope is that pointing out the offending behavior will correct it. Whether it does or not, criticism leaves most people feeling wounded, diminished, disrespected, unseen, uncared about, and otherwise unhappy. It’s an often toxic tool that often leads to conflict and relationship damage.

As with all forms of teaching, positive, good-feeling strategies work best. Praising a husband for giving such an insightful devar Torah, for example, can lead to more confidence and less joking around when delivering the next one. Over time, receiving favorable comments can slowly shape behavior so that the person becomes a little more of what you want him to be.

In addition, ignoring undesirable behaviors (that is, not reinforcing them by attending to them with criticism) can sometimes lead those behaviors to dissolve. Both of these strategies have the positive side-effect of strengthening relationships.

Nonetheless, unless your spouse is engaging in behavior that is destructive, unhealthy, inappropriate according to Torah dictates, or otherwise objectionable to the point that everyone would consider it to be problematic, an even more desirable approach is to actually accept it. In other words, letting one’s spouse be himself —without judgment or intervention — is the preferred path.

You Are You

Allowing your spouse to be himself requires strong personal boundaries and personal confidence. You must recognize that, although married, you’re still an individual who creates your own reputation through you own actions. Just as the patient, mature parent of a wild, misbehaving child will be respected by onlookers for precisely that patience and maturity, a tolerant, accepting spouse will be admired rather than disparaged on account of a less admirable partner.

For example, if a wife smiles patiently at her husband’s bad joke while keeping in mind that he is a fine human being, a loyal partner, a good father, a wonderful provider and whatever else he might be, then her perspective will radiate out of her to educate all those around her. She isn’t embarrassed because she accepts this small flaw that her husband has — that his jokes aren’t the greatest or he’s not very informed or he speaks too loudly or whatever it might be. She isn’t mortified or terrified; she accepts his social missteps gracefully, taking it all in stride. She can relax and let her husband be.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 852)