“What an outrageous, unfair, untrue, and plain motzi shem ra statement to make about an entire generation!”

An Adult's Responsibility [Sheltered in the Sun / Issue 850]

The article about keeping your children safe during summer vacation was a very timely and a very important refresher for all parents.

This Sunday, my nine-year-old son told me that as he was walking to day camp, a frum man in a van who looked vaguely familiar stopped him and started schmoozing with him. The man asked him where he was headed and if he wanted a ride. My son felt very uncomfortable, refused, and walked away.

I explained to my son that what he experienced was his gut sending him a message that this might be a dangerous situation, and I praised him for following his instincts. I said that while most adults are safe and well-intentioned, there are some who want to harm children. Our gut serves us and the more we listen to it, the safer we’ll be.

This person probably meant no harm; he might have recognized my son. However, I implore all adults: Just like we have to teach our children about personal safety, please don’t ever put children in a situation where they might feel uncomfortable and doubt their safety.

M.H.

Brooklyn, NY

PS: Nowadays we can easily take advantage of technology and discreetly put a tracking device in our children’s backpack.

What a Generalization! [Inbox / Issue 850]

I quote from a letter a woman who cut off from her parents wrote: “They [our parents] are part of a generation that felt the right to act however they wanted and then cry kibbud av v’eim in order to guilt those they abused into coming back for more... They treated their children as their personal property, with no right to a self.”

What an outrageous, unfair, untrue, and plain motzi shem ra statement to make about an entire generation!

I happen to know something about this generation, because it happens to be my generation. It’s true we may not have been as enlightened about 2023 child- raising techniques as today’s young people, and like every generation, we made our mistakes. However, none of the above applies to us as a whole.

I know nothing about the writer’s experience, and know that there are some really difficult and sick people around, and yes, those people have children, too. I don’t doubt the depth of her suffering. But does that justify her maligning an entire generation?

We have become so accustomed to the portrayal of parents as a bunch of selfish, controlling, abusive, and just plain clueless people that most of us will read such statements and not flinch.

It’s time we tempered our statements on the topic. At least wait till the next generation has grown up and hands down the verdict on you.

Tamar Fischer

Zurich

Use Your Heart [I Am Not a Crisis / Issue 849]

I work in a big office, where most of my colleagues are just-out-of-school girls, kallahs, and young marrieds. And yes, I’m the official “older single” at my place.

For some reason, the only talk that revolves around my office is about husbands, engagements, and chasunahs.  I’m not sure if it’s a lack of awareness, or maybe the temptation for this type of discussion is too great, but it seems to me that overall, no one realizes this topic is a very sensitive one for me.

No, I don’t consider myself very old. I’m in my early twenties, yet the people whom I associate with have kids already. Each person experiences challenges differently, but for me, this has been a very heavy topic.

Please, workmates around the world, use your Jewish heart, and think about your audience before speaking. You might be saying pure, innocent words, but who knows whom it might be hurting?

And I know it’s cliché to say this example, but I still feel that it brings out the point well: Your colleague has been waiting four years for kids while you had yours after nine months. Will you keep on talking about this bliss of motherhood and your kid’s cute antics when she is around, the whole entire day? I think (hope) not.

Well, listen to this, your other colleague has been in shidduchim for four years while you found your bashert right away. Is it acceptable to talk about your husband, and your cute suppers, and how amazing it is to be married, the whole entire day? I really don’t think so.

I’m not even broaching the subject of hurtful comments. I’m only talking about mild sensitivity for your friend who is waiting. When I’m around, don’t joke and ask a younger workmate, who is half a year out of seminary, how many kids are still left in her class, and if she’s feeling desperate already. How’s that supposed to make me feel?

And readers, don’t take this the wrong way. We don’t want to be treated with silk gloves, looked upon as a burden that somehow takes away the geshmak of each conversation because, hey, nebach, maybe she’ll get hurt from our talk, she hasn’t reached our stage yet, let’s do a big mitzvah and not talk about it.

No, you can talk all about your husband and marriage, but please, keep it in moderation. This doesn’t have to be the discussion of the day.

E.R.

It’s Common Sense [I Am Not a Crisis / Issue 849]

I read Stand By and Miriam (Pascal) Cohen’s follow-up, I Am Not a Crisis, with great interest. As a single in my mid-twenties, I related very much to both. Thank you for giving us a voice.

After attending a recent family simchah and reading the story and articles simultaneously, I realized that while the serial and the follow-up is giving society guidelines on how to treat singles, at the same time, it’s straining many relationships. At this simchah I attended, I joined a conversation with a few married cousins with whom I’ve always had a friendly relationship. Suddenly, the discussion became stilted, and no wonder why. They’ve been told to censor the conversation and change the ob/gyn/supper/marriage/labor/daycare topic to something else ASAP. They followed the guide perfectly, but the more important goal was ignored: for a single woman to be treated like any other 24-year-old, like her married counterparts.

Yes, things like promoting my married coworker, seating me at the children’s table, my aunts only going to schmooze with the married nieces, being asked to go to the back of the line and be considerate to the married shoppers, my boss only giving Yom Tov bonuses to the marrieds, are all insensitive. You shouldn’t rely on articles to know that this is wrong. It’s common sense. Basic middos.

Stop, drop, and roll doesn’t make anyone feel better. None of us needs a manual. We all need better middos.

In my mid-twenties, I’m wise and kind and mature enough to know that every relationship requires different sensitivities. I hope you’re wise, kind, and mature enough to know the same.

Let’s stay friends.

M.Y.

A Practical Argument [Windows / Issue 848]

When I read the article about someone’s unsuccessful attempt at trying to convince her secular cousin to give a newborn son a traditional kosher bris milah based on traditional, religious, and other subjective reasons, I was reminded of how I reacted 50 years ago when my Monsey kitchen contractor’s wife gave birth to a boy and they were going to use a Reform mohel.

I objectively posed the following question: Imagine 18-plus years from now, your son wants to marry an Orthodox Jewish girl, or he became a Torah-observant Jew on his own. He realizes that his bris hadn’t been done according to halachah and has to undergo hatafas dam bris. Why not do it halachically correct the first time so that he doesn’t have to go through the pain, recuperation, and expense as an adult? They agreed, and I called a local Orthodox mohel who was happy to do this mitzvah free of charge!

Tirtza Jotkowitz

Jerusalem, Israel

We Were Insulted [Family Reflections / Issue 847]

Sarah Chana’s piece about reducing stigma around psychotropic meds was insulting to those of us who may suffer from seemingly "incapacitating illness" and "severe dysfunction," as she put it.

My 22-year-old daughter got married a few weeks ago. At 15 she was diagnosed with severe type 1 bipolar disorder with severe, relentless mania. She was in and out of the psychiatric ward for three years until we finally found the perfect medication. Balanced and stable for four-plus years now, my daughter holds down a job, has loads of friends, and was one of the most leibedig and grateful kallahs.

Mrs. Radcliffe… please don’t use such negative and derogatory words when describing ANY mental illness, because even severe bipolar disorder and schizophrenia can be managed successfully. If we want to put an end to stigma, then you must not use such negative terminology.

Name withheld until there will be no more stigma

Sarah Chana Radcliffe responds:

You’re totally correct. I’m SO sorry! I was so focused on the concept I was trying to express (accepting medication as a normal tool for maintaining wellness) that I completely missed the implication of my description of actual illness. Yes, proper medication helps those suffering with true illness to lead healthy and fully functional lives; it’s a blessing and a gift to us in our generation. Omitting this information in the article was the result of a one-track mind on the day I wrote it, and I’m grateful that you gave me an opportunity to clarify this essential point!

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 852)