Pain ripped through me as they put their finger on the very sore spots that I still grappled with

I’M

a grandmother! OMG! How did I become a grandmother? And he’s beautiful! The most beautiful baby boy ever born on this planet (since the birth of my youngest son obviously…)!

I was with my daughter at the birth — there are no atheists in a delivery room. Oh the miracle of it! That first cry! That tiny bundle of golden downiness. And he looks like Chezky! He looks so much like my Chezky, and I’m transported straight back to that other delivery room so many years ago, when the doctor announced, it’s a boy! I didn’t have boys! I didn’t know what to do with a boy.

And now… it’s a boy.

As I lit candles that Friday night of the shalom zachar my heart swelled with gratitude and tefillah. V’zakeini l’gadel banim uvnei vanim.

It’s one of Chezky’s favorite songs. He can sing it again and again… ad nauseam! But this tefillah also always confused me. If you look at all the brachos we wish on our children, there is no mention of social well-adjustment. Chezky was a chacham, navon, ish emes… but hey, was that enough for him to be successful in This World? So on my own, I’d begun to add after the tefillah, a pasuk that to me summed up my wishes for each of my children (and grandchildren!) V’nimtza chen v’sechel tov, b’einei Elokim v’adam. Let him be connected both to Hashem and to Klal Yisrael. Amen!

Being a grandmother is a load of fun! I’m loving the baby therapy, just sitting for long stretches of time staring at those perfect features. When Chezky “met” the baby, he stroked one big finger down his cheek. “He looks like me,” he said in awe.

“And he loves you already!” I added. “Uncle Chezky!”

Watching him hold the baby with such tenderness, I felt a prayer surge through me. Hashem, is this possible one day in his future? Please? Maybe? But I pull myself back to the present. Right now is sooo good!

So when Chaim V’Chessed contacted me about a new ten-week support group for moms of ASD kids, I almost turned them down.