“...more than 10,000 studies of all kinds...that all come to the same conclusions. WFPB eating can cut your risk of all major disease by as much as 85 percent”

Lean Clean [Of Life Changes and Legumes / Issue 849]

I’m so impressed with the Weisses’ dedication to their health, and I pray that they will merit many more years of good health.

Nevertheless, I don’t recommend a plant-based diet, and I don’t think a plant-based diet is feasible or realistic for most families.

However, I do recommend a “clean” diet. “Clean” foods are foods that are free of (or have fewer) processed ingredients. The abundance of processed foods in recent years has definitely made snack and dinner preparation much easier, but it’s also left a terrible mark on our health and weight.

So choose foods that you can grow in your backyard over foods that can only be processed in a factory and come in shiny packaging; and choose foods with fewer ingredients over foods with numerous ingredients.

It’s okay to eat processed foods from time to time, but overall, try to lean clean!

Meira Waldman, MS, RDN
Lakewood, NJ

Evidence-Based [Of Life Changes and Legumes / Issue 849]

I can’t express my appreciation enough for your article, “Of Life Changes and Legumes.” Calling attention to the benefits of whole-food plant-based (WFPB) eating will help everyone in many, many ways to prevent and reverse chronic disease and illness in general.

Whereas this “case study” was inspirational to read, I think it needs to be pointed out that there are more than 10,000 studies of all kinds — randomized, controlled, epidemiological, laboratory, and observational — that all come to the same conclusions. WFPB eating can cut your risk of all major disease by as much as 85 percent.

In my clinic, I’ve seen with my own eyes people reverse type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, heart disease, obesity, early stage cancer, and even chronic kidney disease.  Readers should be aware that the very first WFPB conference for kosher consumers is taking place in Jerusalem on July 11th. Pre-registration is required online. All products will be mehadrin kashrus. You don’t have to be vegan or WFPB to attend.

Alan Freishtat

Health and Wellness Coach,

Personal Fitness Trainer

Director of The Wellness Clinic

You Don’t Have to Be a “Purist” [Inbox / Issue 848]

I was happy to hear that many people are benefiting from the Sarno method. I wanted to chime in on the letter that was written by a PT suggesting people don’t rely exclusively on the Sarno method, and also work on strengthening their muscles. I agree with his sentiments, but I want to clarify that the Sarno method doesn’t have to be an extreme treatment. It is a common misconception that someone who uses the Sarno method has to be a “purist” while using it. Like everything else in life, balance is key, and doing the Sarno method in a balanced way while incorporating other treatments is always the most effective.

Rabbi Alon Gul, LMSW

Sarno Specialist

Unconventional Twist [Family Living / Issue 848]

Thank you for your great end-of-school-year organization tips! I just wanted to offer a seemingly unconventional twist on sifting through the mounds of “stuff” your kids bring home at the end of the year: don’t do it right away. Designate one large box or laundry basket per child to put all their “stuff” in and put it out of sight for a few days. Then go back to it and start the sorting and sifting. You’ll see that what they wouldn’t dare separate from (read: throw out!) a few days prior, now isn’t as important to them.  It makes the process a whole lot easier and faster!

Leah S.

Sometimes It’s the Answer [Inbox / Issue 848]

To the Woman Whose Daughter Cut Ties with Her,

No one can minimize your excruciating pain and rejection. Nothing I will say can ease your pain, but for the benefit of the readers I’d like to bring attention to some assumptions you made.

A child’s perception of their self, the world, and Hashem is created based on their parents’ perception of themselves, the world, and Hashem.

Not every mistake or bad middah a parent has will cripple a child’s sense of self or connection to Hashem. But when a parent has a warped self-perception or is “drowning in denial” about their feelings and connection with Hashem, it’s a different story. A child who grows up with a parent who isn’t in touch with themselves, and is consistently exposed to false messages, will experience life in a distorted manner.

When life becomes too overwhelming for the child (be it marriage, raising children, etc.), the house of cards comes crashing down. They can no longer pretend they’re happy and managing just fine.

The goal now is for the child to uncover their own sense of self, under all the layers of other people’s feelings and beliefs. Very many of the young generation are actively working on this, with therapists or without, but sometimes, it’s impossible for the child to rebuild themselves while they’re still exposed to those damaging vibes.  If a child is being guided by a rav or therapist, then the objective of breaking away from parents isn’t to punish the parents. Cutting ties is extremely difficult for the child as well.

Your analogy comparing cutting ties to an amputation is inaccurate because this isn’t an irreversible measure. This is being done to save a life, sometimes spiritually and sometimes literally.

Besoros tovos,

T.M.

A Necessary Evil [Inbox / Issue 848]

To the Woman Whose Daughter Cut Ties with Her,

You write that cutting off with parents is like amputating a limb. You write that no one in their right mind would do so to avoid living with pain. You’re 100 percent correct.

Yet I did cut off from my mother (after my therapist and rav insisted I do so) because the wound she inflicted was so “infected,” it was robbing me of my ability to live. It may not look pretty to you, and you may turn your head in discomfort and doubt me, but I know I have saved a life.

It would truly be wonderful if, as you write, we could clarify what family and unconditional love means, but people like me aren’t even able to hear the word “love” without feeling despair, shame, and the need to hide.

Our parents are the people you meet in the street, in the supermarket, and at work, the neighbors you look up to, the ones who are super nice, caring, and giving. Yet they are part of a generation that felt the right to act however they wanted and then cry kibbud av v’eim in order to guilt those they abused into coming back for more.

They treated their children as their personal property, with no right to a self.

I know it’s not their fault and that they were limited, but I’m no longer willing to doubt my own reality, to wake up every morning knowing that I have a choice to either push myself past my limits to be perfect, or to be told that I have no reason to exist in this world.

We have cut off from our parents in order to learn to be spouses and parents, to heal and to learn that we’re human and that we have rights and that (gasp) we can even perhaps have wants.

And one day, from that place of strength, we hope to be able to give our children the gift of grandparents as well as the even stronger gift that we were denied — the gift of parents.

And the gift of love.

But in the meantime, I wear my battle scars with pride. To my fellow “amputees,” salute our courage, our strength, our bravery, our pain, our sadness, and hopefully one day, our joy!

I, too, will sign my name as anonymous out of respect for my parents

Conformity Is Dangerous [Inbox / Issue 848]

I was dismayed to read the letter explaining why some people choose not to marry baalei teshuvah (BTs). What the letter seems to be saying to BTs is that indeed, you’re correct, we really don’t want to marry you, but at least we have what we think is a good reason. You’re not like us or a part of us and you never will be.

The Gemara teaches us that b’makom sh’baalei teshuvah omdim ein tzaddikim gemurim yecholim la’amod bo — in the place where a baal teshuvah stands, a tzaddik gamur can’t stand. A baal teshuvah is put on a pedestal of sorts, telling us they’re to be admired, honored, and respected as a source of inspiration. The pedestal was never intended to be a wall enforcing separation.

The bigger issue, however, is the letter’s second point praising the merits of conformity. Contrary to the opinion stated, conformity isn’t an ideal or a virtue. This isn’t a mere opinion. Mishlei tells us, “Chanoch lana’ar al pi darko.” We’re literally instructed to adapt to the needs of each child and not require children to conform to a single perceived ideal.

Insisting on conformity is contrary to the fundamentals of chinuch. Hashem created each of us with different talents, abilities, and capabilities. We each have something unique that we bring to the world. Saying conformity is the goal is simply not true.

Even worse, demanding conformity is dangerous. I studied this topic extensively as part of my doctoral research into risks and pressures faced by frum adolescent girls. Expectations of homogeneity and the resulting pressures to conform are proven risk factors for poor self-esteem, unhealthy self-image, and serious emotional health issues. The correlation between the pressure to conform and increased risks for mental health issues, including eating disorders, is undeniable. Conforming and demanding conformity only creates the illusion of health and harmony, but in reality, are against Torah hashkafah, and also risk our children’s mental health in the process.

I think both of these messages are dangerous.

Dr. Marcy Forta, EdD, MBA

Why Are You Apologizing? [Words Unspoken / Issue 848]

To the Writer of the Words Unspoken,

I have no idea what mistake you made or what this very important person in your life that your letter was addressed to is like, but I don’t think you’re being fair at all. People, including myself, do this all the time: we apologize, not because we’re actually sorry and will truly try not to do it again, but because we want the other person to say it’s okay, so that we can let go of the guilt, which is uncomfortable.

I’m glad these are words unspoken, because if this is the way you truly feel toward this person, whom you obviously hurt, and you can’t look at it from her point of view at all, you might not be deserving of her friendship.

Name Withheld

Bad Advice [Inbox / Issue 848]

I must respectfully disagree with Penina Eisenberger’s letter, which noted that women in dating relationships should trust their gut.  Here is the research about that. Feel free to reach out to me for sources.

1. Narcissists make fantastic impressions.  Research consistently shows that people who watched videos of narcissists, even when their faces were blanked out, liked them. Your gut will mislead you.
2. Narcissists start out by love-bombing their victims. Love-bombing means smothering their victim with compliments, gifts, and affection in order to manipulate them later and draw them into a web. Again, your gut will love this.
3. Narcissists will gaslight you. Gaslighting is lying to you to make you doubt your judgment, which Ari did to Dassi the first time she tried to break up with him, and several other times. Again, you’ll lose access to your gut after being successfully gaslit.

So what is the formula for sniffing out a bad relationship? Set a clear boundary (saying something like, this is how I feel; this is what I need; please, can you...) and see how he responds to it. Being deliberately vulnerable allows you to see if he’s a respectful or contemptuous person.

Drs. John and Julie Gottman took thousands of hours of videos of couples and predicted with great accuracy which couples would stay together based on whether one of them rolled their eyes in a show of contempt for the other one.

Essentially, respect and contempt are opposites.  If he doesn’t respect your boundaries, he doesn’t respect you.

Ilana Orange, LCSW

PS Please advise Dassi on my behalf to take steps to protect her reputation. Narcissists are ridiculously vindictive and highly retaliatory, and Ari will try to ruin her name at this point.

Not Always Permanent [Marks on Her Skin / Issue 847]

In the piece Marks on Her Skin, the writer sensitively addresses the emotionally complex decision of a young woman to take the “irreversible” step of getting a tattoo. Further, the article realistically notes how someone may come to regret such a decision years later.

I thought it important to note that tattoos aren’t always permanent. For approximately the past 30 years, my brother, Sandy Milgraum, M.D. (dermatologist in East Brunswick, NJ), has successfully used laser treatments that lighten and often remove tattoos with minimal discomfort. The treatment dislodges the pigment that has been trapped in the skin, so that it’s then naturally removed by the body. What a lovely ending to the story this could be — a person who regrets making such marks on her body may actually be able to have them removed.

Michael Milgraum

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 850)