After you’ve done what you can do, you need to help your mind disengage from her life to focus on your own

I’M depressed and upset because my sister is ruining her life. She has slowly moved further and further away from our family’s lifestyle and values, to the point where she’s engaged to a young man who is Jewish but not frum. My sister says she doesn’t care because he’s a very good person, but I and the rest of my siblings (we’re all married with kids) know that much more than being a good person is needed to have a good life and a good marriage. I’ve tried to get her to see this, but nothing I say makes a difference. I’m so frustrated and worried for her that I have trouble sleeping at night. However, my siblings aren’t losing sleep and even my parents — who are obviously the most affected by all this — don’t seem to be nearly as upset as I am. I know they’re not happy about it, but it looks like they’re accepting it and moving on. Why can’t I do the same? Is there something wrong with me?

A

Let’s rephrase your question from, “Is there something wrong with me?” to, “How can I help myself deal more comfortably with such an uncomfortable, painful situation? It seems that your main problem is that you’re suffering physically and emotionally from a frightening situation that you can’t control. You want your sister to make better choices, you’ve tried to help her do that, you’ve failed to make an impact, and now you’re stuck watching what seems to be an inevitable train crash. You’re worrying to the point that your sleep and mood are affected.

By the way, your family members may or may not be similarly worried — parents especially may intentionally keep their concerns to themselves so as not to cause further distress within the family.

For some people, worrying about loved ones is a way of life. They show their love by worrying, believing it’s an expression of deep caring. It would be far better for them, however, if they could show their caring through prayer and positivity. Worry affects the body and mind negatively (something you’ve personally experienced), whereas connecting to Hashem and fostering faith has a powerfully healing effect on human beings.

Moreover, there’s a concept that worry is a form of negative prayer as it generates images of things going badly. “What if this bad thing happens or what if that bad thing happens?” To ask these questions, to allow oneself to wonder — or worse, obsess — about the possible disastrous scenarios requires generating those scenarios in the imagination. This then generates real-time sadness and grief of the yet-to-occur problem.

Spiritually, there’s a belief that focusing on negativity may actually bring it on. All in all, the activity of worrying can’t be recommended!

So how can you maintain a more positive and healthy mindset in light of your sister’s situation? As soon as you notice that you are actively creating negative stories and images  (“She’ll be isolated from the family... she’ll end up divorced... her children will have nothing in common with their cousins...”), turn your attention elsewhere, particularly to the present moment. While focusing on the here and now, take a slow, intentional breath and concentrate on how good that feels. Or, turn your thoughts to Hashem’s infinite power and love. Translate your worry into prayer (“Please, Hashem, help keep her close to You and to us... please help her children stay close to their cousins and let them learn from them...”). You can do other positive acts as well, such as giving tzedakah or doing chesed as a merit for her.

After you’ve done what you can do, you need to help your mind disengage from her life to focus on your own. It’s a mitzvah to guard our health; keep in mind that ruminating and worrying about your sister poses a risk to your physical and emotional well-being. If Hashem Himself won’t stop her from making her choices, surely you can stand back as well. Through learning and tefillah, foster your own confidence that Hashem is with her on her journey just as He is with you on yours. Picture positive outcomes for her and her future family.

Now move on to dealing with your own day. While it’s true that your sister’s situation poses a challenge to your peace of mind, you can let it be an opportunity for you to master the art and science of equanimity as you acquire the skills you need to protect this most important spiritual asset.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 849)