We can break negative cycles and create positive ones

The virtuous cycle is my favorite — and I assume it’s yours as well.

Webster’s Dictionary defines a virtuous cycle as: “a chain of events in which one desirable occurrence leads to another, which further promotes the first occurrence, and so on, resulting in a continuous process of improvement.”

In marriage, the virtuous cycle occurs when one partner is kind or helpful toward the other, causing the other to show gratitude, appreciation, and kindness back, which leads the first person to feel and demonstrate even more love and positivity, and so on.

Then there’s the vicious cycle. In parenting and marriage, this far less pleasant sequence of interactions occurs by accident. For example, one person corrects (criticizes) another, causing the corrected person to become defensive, avoidant, and/or irritable, making the first person feel rejected, displeased, and grumpy, causing the other person to feel even more withdrawn and/or irritated, and so on.

“Our seven-year-old daughter Chani has a very energetic and demanding personality that can get on people’s nerves. My husband is particularly sensitive to the noise she makes when he’s trying to concentrate, and he often snaps at her to leave the room so he can work, or lower her voice, or stop jumping around. I’ve noticed that the more he corrects her, the worse her behavior becomes. I’ve pointed this out to him, but he says that when she behaves like this, he needs to stop her.

Who Breaks the Cycle?

Short answer: You.

If you’re a parent involved in a negative cycle with a child, you must take responsibility for the cycle. Yes, your child may have “started it” by, for example, not listening. This “caused” you to repeat yourself, which caused the child to ignore you, which caused you to raise your voice, which caused the child to cry, which caused you to feel angry at the child for not listening in the first place and at yourself for yelling at your child. When this happens every night at bedtime, you’re in a vicious cycle.

The way out is for you to do something different when your child doesn’t listen. Break the habit of repeating yourself. Break the habit of raising your voice. Try something different. For example, when your child doesn’t listen, go right up to him and repeat your request close to his face. Or when he doesn’t listen, warn him of a negative consequence that will occur unless he listens right now. When he doesn’t listen, ask him to repeat what you just said, and ask him what it means.

Similarly, if you’re in a vicious cycle with your spouse, you theoretically could wait for your spouse to break the cycle. However, this might take decades. You can speed up the process dramatically by breaking the cycle yourself. For example, suppose your spouse constantly overspends, ignoring the budget agreements the two of you have made. Suppose this always provokes you to deliver an annoying lecture on the benefits of the budget and the importance of sticking to it. Suppose this triggers your spouse’s rebellious side, who then goes over budget again so as not to be controlled and diminished by you. Suppose the repeated offense provokes even greater anger and longer lectures and more defiance. Suppose this dynamic goes on for years. Even though your spouse “started it,” it can and should be you who breaks the cycle.

Remember, breaking a vicious cycle simply involves doing something different when you’re provoked. For example, you might replace your “budget lecture” with an “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” remark such as, “Oh, it’s okay that you’re $500 over budget, because I’ve had my eye on a special item myself and am planning on buying it this week, too.” (If you end up happily married but broke, you can always try a different response next time!)

Creating Virtuous Cycles

Another way to break vicious cycles is to put time and energy into intentionally creating virtuous cycles. When people feel good around you, they tend to want to please you. Create strong virtuous cycles by celebrating all the big and small actions your spouse and children perform. Show genuine pleasure as often as possible. This habit leads to more cooperation, which leads to more genuine pleasure. It simultaneously tends to diminish vicious cycles because they become far less fun than their positive counterparts. Make it easy for everyone to feel successful, seen, understood, and loved, and you’ll soon find that you have a household of secure, compassionate, and loving friends to enjoy life’s journey with.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 839)