“And Moshe and Aharon came to the Tent of Meeting.”

(Vayikra 9:23)

Rashi explains: Since Aharon saw that all the sacrifices were brought and the Shechinah did not descend he said: “I know that Hashem is angry at me and it’s my fault that the Shechinah did not descend …” Immediately Moshe joined him and begged for mercy and the Shechinah descended on Yisrael.” (Rav Zilberstein Tuvcha Yabiu)

My two-year-old is busy in his room. Occasionally I can hear grunts of effort. I go into his room ready to help him out but it seems he has his own wishes: “Me. Shoes. Self!”

“Me” he says again and with that one word he embodies all the characteristics deep in the soul of a person. “Self! Self!” he explains to me simply. This line forms the foundation of every person’s independence control and freedom.

“Self!” he repeats with satisfaction a few minutes later. His shoes are on backward and his feet stick out at awkward angles. But his face is shining with pride. “Mommy! Me! Self!”

I plant a kiss on his sweet pure face and whisper “Welcome to the world of independence my baby.”

What aids a person most in the establishment of his household is the partnership that characterizes a strong marriage. It is imperative for us to value this awesome partnership. If we merit building properly then the house is truly a place for the Shechinah on this earth. And the couple themselves is then blessed with happiness. (ibid.)

Independence means maturity. Personal decisions mean ability. Distinct opinions mean individuality.

Yet on one magical night with thousands of stars in the sky everything changes. On that night you stand under the chuppah and are united in an eternal bond. Then everything switches from a solitary identity to a united couple — sharing the house with the Shechinah.

And life changes. All the independent thinking all the solitary decisions the feelings of freedom personal power … all that changes. It’s no longer “mine ” but “ours.” We decide together. We reach agreements together or remain undecided together.

“But … but …” my inner voice of independence is whispering. “But I know which color paint is best for the bedroom all by myself. And I don’t need anyone interfering with the budget. Neither am I indecisive about what to make for supper and who to go to for Shabbos.

“So why do I need to ask advice? What’s wrong with my personal opinion —it was sound until now. Am I not capable of deciding which job is best for me? Or what we should call our new baby? Why do I need to constantly include my husband and hear his opinion?”

Why?

In order that you should be happy. Yes. For this reason alone. So that you can learn how to build your house. How to forge an inner bond between the two of you. So you don’t end up living side by side; rather together.

Sure your opinion is often right. And your decisions work out well. But you don’t want to be satisfied with things merely “working out well.” You want to truly succeed in this venture of marriage.

In the way of the world if a failure occurs in a partnership each partner blames the other. And if they are successful each takes the credit. In a Jewish household the opposite occurs. When things work out well the husband tells his wife it’s in your zchus. And she counters no it’s in yours. (ibid.)

That’s a true Torah household. Joint decisions are strong decisions. And they are blessed with siyata d’Shmaya. Then the satisfaction is doubled as well. It gets spread throughout the entire family.

In our parshah we find an example of this type of partnership when the fire didn’t come down on the Mizbeiyach. Moshe Aharon and all of Bnei Yisrael each thought he was the guilty party that caused its absence. When Hashem saw that each was taking the responsibility of guilt He immediately brought down the fire.

However with Nadav and Avihu we see the opposite take place. They were the gedolai hador of a generation of gedolim. Yet it says “Each man took his firepan” (Vayikra 10:11). They didn’t consult with each other.

The job of the heads of the household is to cultivate good middos. And when the husband and wife work together as a team then their house becomes a Beis HaMikdash. (ibid.)

There is no he or she. There is only we. More great and more powerful than the sum of its parts.