The Magic Ratio

Though many don’t realize it there is a difference between feeling love and conveying love. A person feels love inside of his or her heart; he or she conveys it to others through words and deeds.

As I’ve explained previously there is a magic ratio of good-feeling communications to not-so-good-feeling communications that successfully conveys love. When a parent wants to make her child feel loved she gives him 80 percent good-feeling communications (like offering praise acknowledging feelings and accomplishments showing affection and so on) and 20 percent not-so-good-feeling communications (such as giving instructions corrections negative consequences and the like). For teens the love-ratio requires 90 percent good-feeling communications and marriage requires 95 percent good-feeling communications! The further one is away from this ratio the less certain it is that love is being successfully conveyed.

Quality as Well as Quantity

If between 7 a.m. and 8 a.m. a mother says or does four nice-feeling things for her eight-year-old daughter before she reminds the girl to please make her bed the mother has maintained the 80–20 ratio in that particular hour.

However it’s not only the actual number of communications that builds the feeling of being loved; it’s also their quality. And this quality issue is even more important when it comes to the not-so-good feeling communications. Just one not-so-good-feeling communication destroys the well-loved feeling that is accomplished by four good-feeling communications. However one truly-bad-feeling communication can destroy the feeling of love built up by hundreds or even thousands of previous good-feeling communications. For instance when a parent verbally assaults a youngster with raised voice harsh criticisms and painful insults the child’s entire sense of feeling loved can shatter. Depending on the intensity and frequency of verbal abuse it is possible that no number of good-feeling communications can compensate to maintain the child’s feeling of being loved.

Minimizing the Negative

In family life it is absolutely essential to give some not-so-good-feeling communications to every member of the household. Every time a parent says “no” it is not-so-good feeling — but it has to be said! Every time a spouse disagrees with his or her partner it is not-so-good feeling — but it will inevitably happen. Every time a boundary must be set a request must be made or a correction is offered it’s a not-so-good feeling — but these kinds of communications must occur.

It is possible however to minimize the negative love-undoing effects of not-so-good-feeling communications. For instance one can always make sure to instruct criticize and correct in a pleasant normal tone of voice. One can refrain from using derogatory labels sarcasm put-downs and any other insulting forms of communication.

One excellent way to reduce the harm caused by not-so-good-feeling communications is to keep them brief. This means the following:

1. Only say a not-so-good-feeling communication once.
2. Keep your communication to one short sentence.

Let’s expand each of these rules.

Say it Once: If you are using the 2X-Rule of discipline the instruction the warning of a negative consequence and the giving of the consequence itself together they all count as once. For all other negative communications once means one sentence one time. If you want to issue a complaint to a spouse or child think carefully before you say it. Formulate a short sentence that says what you want from the person. For instance if your spouse or child has been speaking too loudly to you you might say something like “Please speak to me quietly.” If someone has been leaving unwashed dishes in the sink your statement could be “Please be sure to wash your dishes after using them.”

Do not repeat this request in different ways. Do not come back later and say it again using different examples. By being careful to maintain your magic ratio you will increase the likelihood that your request/complaint/need will be respected and appropriately responded to. The more you raise the intensity or frequency of bad-feeling communications the less likely it is that you will experience compliance or cooperation.

Use One Short Sentence: This fosters brevity in an obvious way. You know how children cover their ears when their parents start to reprimand them? That’s because every additional negative word and sentence is actually painful to hear! Brevity reduces this pain. The more unpleasant your communication must be the shorter it should be. Again think before you speak and aim for five words or less when using not-so-good-feeling communications. “Please put away your toys” is better than “I can’t stand the mess in here. Put away these toys right now before someone trips on them. This is what you have storage bins for. I went out and bought them and you still don’t use them” …. etc. etc. etc.

I think you’ve got the idea. I won’t say it again.