I feel like a total mess, but it will be okay at the end, I know it will

Perela, you’re in, we’re both in together!” Shaindy hugs me before I even get near the lists. “We’re both in the Hope Dance!”

Yay, I’m feeling hopeless and I’m going to be in the Hope Dance, I think wryly. And what’s so hopeful about this dance anyway, a bunch of girls dressed in white against a black background? Total cliché. The tornado of thoughts swirling through my mind doesn’t prevent my mouth from going on auto pilot, smiling and shrieking, and doing whatever I’m supposed to do to react to Shaindy’s news. I think that really I am excited, in a distant part of myself that’s light-years away.

I’m replaying the incident from Shabbos. I made a pony and then… then somehow my fingers brushed through some strands and a knot separated. I think I could’ve stopped my fingers midway, but I didn’t, so it was my fault.

There’s no hope for me anyway. I was mechallel Shabbos. I should’ve known better. Now I need to do teshuvah before I can think about hope, but how do I do teshuvah for such a terrible aveirah? I’m totally lost.

There’s a small voice whispering in my ear, but I can barely hear it over the other roars. “Perela, there’s hope, there’s always hope, never give up, you’ll see there will be light again….”

I think that maybe Hashem is sending me a spark in the darkness by putting me in the Hope Dance.

I feel like a total mess, but it will be okay at the end, I know it will.