Both children and adults are in a continuous process of growth. Both must learn many lessons the hard way — through trial and error. And both can learn some lessons the easy way — from the experiences of others. We don’t all have to lose our life’s savings to shady investors; we can read about what happened to those who didn’t investigate enough and acted impulsively with large sums of money.

Of course many of us have a resistance to learning from stories examples and news reports; we think we are immune to the natural laws of life. Only our personal experience can make a dent on our thinking processes and even then we may need many repetitions of the same lesson before the message penetrates to a part of the brain that can affect our future behavior. Adolescents are particularly prone to believing that they have special exemptions from normal consequences (“it won’t happen to me because I am invincible”) but many older people also suffer from this common delusion.

Preventing Disaster

Parents believe in natural consequences when it comes to teaching their little ones not to climb on stools (“just let her fall off once or twice and she’ll stop doing it”). However most parents work valiantly to prevent natural consequences from kicking in on the larger issues in life. They don’t want their youngster learning that laziness in learning shuts the doors to the desirable yeshivos. They don’t want their daughter finding out that ten or twenty extra pounds may affect her experiences in shidduchim. And they certainly don’t want their teen discovering that driving under the influence of alchohol can result in someone’s death.

In order to prevent disastrous natural consequences from occurring parents need alternative strategies. Although there will always be some children who learn only through their own painful experiences many others can be positively affected by one or the other of the following popular parenting interventions.

Strategies to Prevent Natural Consequences

Parents can use the following two methods on any issue for which the natural consequences are too catastrophic. Some issues that might fit into this category would be teaching children not to speed on highways not to abuse alcohol not to use buy or sell drugs not to sneak across borders or not to associate with the wrong people. The first strategy will be appropriate for all high-risk behaviors and the second strategy will be appropriate for only some such behaviors.

1. Providing Sufficient Information. Many adults don’t want to engage in high-risk behaviors. That is because they know what consequences they might face should things go awry. Adolescents are capable of drawing conclusions too — provided they have all the information they need.

Vague warnings like “don’t get drunk” or “never speed” do not meet criteria for “sufficient information.” On the other hand many excellent publications have been produced for teenage readers on every possible risky behavior. Books with dramatic graphics easy-to-understand detailed information and accurate statistics — designed to be appealing to young readers — are available in bookstores and libraries. Many of them utilize the principle that “a picture is worth a thousand words ” clearly illustrating terrifying accident scenes rotting internal organs jail cells and other nasty consequences of risky behaviors. When the information comes from outside the parents it usually finds its way inside a teenager. Such books can be carefully screened and brought home throughout the year as a form of preventative education.

1. Using Logical and Illogical Consequences. Parents can arrange consequences instead of letting natural consequences occur. Having a near brush with alcohol poisoning is one way to learn that too much liquor isn’t good for you. However kids can sometimes be dissuaded from experimenting with their limit by a warning of a serious negative consequence.

A “logical consequence” is a consequence that is related to the crime. For instance “If you pass out from alcohol (or experiment with drugs or cigarettes) you will have to meet with an addiction counselor for a minimum of three sessions.” Or if you get a speeding ticket you will have to have to take a minimum of three driving lessons.” An “illogical consequence” is a consequence that has no relationship to the unacceptable behavior but is meant to act as a deterrent (causing the child to seriously reflect before committing the behavior). For instance “If you pass out from alcohol you will lose out on something that you were looking forward to” (i.e. “I will not pay for your driving lessons ” or “I will not get you that item you’ve been wanting ” or “You won’t be coming on that trip with me”).

A times when high-risk behavior is most likely (such as Purim) providing sufficient information and setting up preemptive consequences can save youngsters from learning the much-too-hard way.