“No, Lana,” says her mommy. “First you have to wear shtotty clothes.”

So Lana and Mommy go shopping for clothes (though Lana tells Mommy that she doesn’t have to come, I have good taste and I know how to shop without you). She comes home with dirty Golden Goose sneakers and a skirt so long it would put her great-grandmother’s standard of tzniyus to shame.

“Mommy, am I shtotty yet?”

“No, Lana,” says her mommy. “First you have to tuck your sweater into your skirt.”

So Lana pulls and pushes and schleps and tugs until she fits her sweater inside her skirt. (Who cares that she now looks four sizes bigger than she is?)

“Mommy, am I shtotty yet?”

“No, Lana,” says her mommy. “Now you have to put on jewelry.”

So Lana puts a ring on each hand. Then she puts on two necklaces and a bracelet. Then she puts two more rings on each hand.

“Mommy, am I shtotty yet?”

“No, Lana,” says her mommy. “Now you have to spray perfume.”

So Lana takes the Scentify and sprays. (Mommy coughs and splutters and inches herself away.)

“Mommy, am I shtotty yet?”

“No, Lana,” says her mommy. “Now you have to highlight your hair.”

So Lana sits under the burning sun with lemon juice and peroxide in her hair until her face boils. Then she sits another hour until her face burns. This is a bonus because Mommy always says that tans are pretty.

“Mommy, am I shtotty yet?”

“Yes, Lana. Now you look shtotty. Now you can go into the world, where your friends don’t care in the least how you look because they are too busy worrying if they are shtotty enough.”

So Lana heads off to her friend’s wedding. When she gets there, she walks into the hall and notices that she is alone. She looks back and sees that her friends have gone to the powder room, so she scurries after them.

Lana watches as each shtotty friend examines herself in the mirror. They are complaining that their hair is wrong, their makeup is awful, and pimples are popping up on their faces.

And Lana realizes that as always, Mommy is right.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 828)