M y daughter’s been married for two years already and I still find myself bursting into tears occasionally. I can be washing dishes and realize that she isn’t there telling me some hilarious story and the tears come gushing. I’m worried it means that I’m clinically depressed that something’s very wrong with me that I’m never going to be happy again.”

We know that there are medicines that can help ease our low moods. However this has led many of us to equate negative emotions with mental illness. Low mood can exist when mental illness doesn’t! Low mood is the feeling of sadness in one form or another (grief hurt emptiness discouragement despair loneliness disappointment etc).

If the parent in our example is able to feel happy even when bouts of sadness occur if she’s eating and sleeping according to her regular patterns if she’s able to concentrate and problem-solve when she needs to has enough energy to carry out her daily tasks and if she otherwise lacks the symptoms of a major depressive episode then she isn’t ill. She’s sad.

In our example the mother is still mourning the loss of a cherished relationship. When a child moves out of the home a real loss occurs — and is felt — for years afterward. It’s normal to feel bouts of sadness on and off for years after a meaningful loss whether that loss involves a person a situation like a job or a location like a country or a home.

External Symptoms

“I’m falling apart. My skin condition has flared up. My IBS has been bothering me terribly. I’ve developed muscle aches too — maybe fibromyalgia. I know it’s all caused by stress but I feel like I’m dying.”

Sometimes the external or internal demands we face are excessive. Our bodies often reflect this stress through physical symptoms. Interestingly the solution is not that complicated. Our body can handle more stress when we provide it with more energy.

If the stress isn’t about to decrease or go away (because there’s nothing we can do to change it at the moment) then the solution is to provide ourselves with more energy. This can be accomplished by adding regular exercise into our schedule — no matter how tight the schedule already is. We will find that time automatically expands once we spend 20 minutes a day four or five days a week on a serious workout.

If a person is already doing that then he or she may need to add the same amount of time doing a creative or really enjoyable activity. Either or both of these strategies can cause physical symptoms of ill health to do a quick retreat despite the fact that the problems of life still remain to be dealt with.

Physical sickness that accompanies a period of too much stress can make a woman feel like she is truly falling apart. However physical symptoms of stress don’t immediately lead to deadly disease (although if left untreated for decades they certainly can have a deleterious effect on health). Rather they are warning signs that the body is depleted and needs more energy. The solution is obvious: Add energy by doing something that typically energizes body and mind (like exercise or creative and enjoyable activities). 

Losing My Mind

“I’m feel like I’m losing my mind. I’m afraid I’m going to have a nervous breakdown. I’ll have to be locked up in a mental institution.”

Actually they’ve pretty much done away with “mental institutions.” Mentally ill people are generally given treatment and sent home. Moreover people sometimes feel like they’re going to “lose it” when they actually aren’t on the verge of a psychotic break. They may be experiencing intense stress or anxiety for example.

When you feel that you’re about to lose your grip on reality you should seek medical or psychological help. You may need something that will calm your nervous system — medication or alternative treatment psychological support and practical strategies to help restore your equilibrium. Intense emotional distress is just a signal very much like physical distress that one needs to take corrective action using one or more of the numerous available strategies for calming the body and mind.

The feeling that something is “very wrong” is not a diagnosis of an incurable state of mind. It is however a warning bell. When you feel that way take the necessary steps to feel better. (Originally featured in Mishpacha Issue 654)