TZVI: Ezzie let me have the orange super snacks. How did he know I wanted it?

EZZIE: Meir’s group picked me to do the science project with them!

“You’ve learned a few spy secrets already” I tell the boys at our next session. “Guessing what people are thinking and how those thoughts lead to feelings and actions.” The boys nod. “Now you’re ready for our spy assignment.

“Spies have to be very skilled blending in with people around them” I explain “and they have to collect information about those people. Let’s start with blending in.”

Often “social awkwardness” is an inability to intuitively follow the unspoken “group plan”.

I call Duvi and Yossi over. “Here you boys are trading cards.” I give them a moment to get into the act. “Ezzie you’re the spy. How can you blend in?”

Uncertain Ezzie steps forward and joins the circle. “Excellent.” I join the circle too. “Watch me. Do I blend in?” I lean back away from the group eyes focused on a point high on the wall.

“No” says Ezzie. “You’re not looking at the cards.”

“And you’re leaning out” Duvi notes. “We’re all leaning forward.”

“Perfect” I confirm. “Good spies behave similarly to the people around them. What would happen if you behave differently?” I exaggerate my disinterested pose.

“You look different” Yossi says.

“Will you guys trust me? Or will you think I’m a spy?”

Ezzie frowns; the metaphor is a bit abstract for him. “You look different” he repeats.

“That’s right. And you’ll think that I’m different. And thoughts leads to…”

“Feelings and actions” the boys chant.

“Right. So if I want you to think nice things about me and feel good toward me and act nicely toward me I need to behave similarly.”

Although we want children to be independent thinkers we also want them to make friends and have satisfying relationships. These skills help kids become “friend material” instead of alienating other kids.

We spend several sessions on body language and nonverbal communication.

“Spies collect information” I say handing out “spy kits” — manila folders filled with forms. “Our goal is to find out all about the people around us. What do they like? What don’t they like? We’ll create files on each person. Then we’ll know how to act toward them.” I take a blank form and turn to Ezzie. “Ezzie what’s your sister’s name?”

“Rivka.”

I fill in the name. “What’s Rivka’s favorite food?”

Ezzie looks blank.

Because Ezzie doesn’t pick up on nuances he doesn’t behave appropriately toward others. Learning to “keep files” on his siblings helps him see their perspective.

“Let’s say chocolate.” I write this on the form. “Since Ezzie’s secret files show that Rivka loves chocolate Ezzie can adjust his actions for that. He can save the last piece for her. Then Ezzie’s good thoughts feelings and actions toward Rivka will create good thoughts feelings and actions from Rivka back toward Ezzie. It’s a circle that keeps getting better.”

This is a complex skill: recognizing others’ perspectives and acting on them. Most people do it intuitively and benefit from the positive social effects. The boys take home their secret files determined to discover the different perspectives of the people in their lives so that they too can build positive social cycles.

Bring It Home

Although parental involvement is important for the success of any course of therapy with social skills follow-up at home is crucial.

REINFORCE IT When your child isn’t responding appropriately cue him using the same verbiage his therapist uses. The “buzzword” will more easily redirect him. Caveat: reinforce skills when your child is basically calm. The middle of a meltdown is not the time to work on social skills.

JOURNAL IT Chani Wilamowsky SLP recommends that children keep a diary of their thoughts and feelings over meaningful events. This builds their awareness of their actions reactions and interactions. A family journal where the parent writes the “story” of what happened that day is a great tool to help all family members analyze why the situation played out as it did and what alternative endings could be created.

MODEL IT Modeling appropriate behavior is important for all kids but the socially challenged child will probably not pick up on the nuances. In addition to modeling appropriate behavior verbally bring it to your child’s attention: “I’m going to let this person go ahead of me in line. He’s in a rush and I’m not. It’s nice to let others go first.” In the same vein verbalize your own thoughts and feelings throughout the day to accustom your child to think that way.

SHARE IT Share gedolim stories that illustrate exemplary mitzvos and bein adam l’chaveiro. Point out that the greatness of the tzaddik did not detract from his ability to relate to the perspective of people very different from him. The Other Side of the Story by Yehudis Samet is great for perspective-taking while Chaim Walder’s Kids Speak series is helpful for identifying emotions.

REHEARSE IT Prepare your children in advance each time you go somewhere or do something. Discuss what will happen and what will be expected of them including any unspoken rules. Once they’re prepared short verbal cues can remind them to modify their behavior in the moment.

VISUALIZE IT Create visual aids for both skills and successes. Add jellybeans to a jar links to a chain or beads to a necklace every time your child successfully handles his area of difficulty. Put a sign on your fridge with the “phrase of the week” like “think with your eyes” or “thoughts and feelings” to remind you to seize opportunities to reinforce the therapist’s work at home.

PLAY IT Board games and sports are the best therapy to help kids follow the unspoken “group plan.” Use these activities to teach life skills such as turn-taking good sportsmanship considering others’ perspectives acting for the interest of the group and losing graciously.

The concept of “group plan” and the reciprocity of thoughts feelings and actions was developed by Michelle Winner MA CCC-SLP.