A person with limerent tendencies can make anyone the object of their obsession

Q:

There have been numerous letters published educating and validating the plight of those suffering from limerence [a state of infatuation or obsession with another person that involves all-consuming emotion and intrusive thoughts]. Well done. Little has been said, though, about the group of people who become the “Limerent Object” (LO).

As a member of this group, I want to point out that we are not weak, naive, or easily manipulated individuals. On the contrary, we’re healthy, educated, and confident. There must be something inherently within us that attracts others, making us a target of unhealthy and sometimes overwhelming attention.

Can you please address “us on the other side,” explaining the dynamics of how we become objects, and offer us some practical skills to implement so that we do not become the “Velcro” to someone’s unhealthy attachment?

A:

There are certainly some actions we can take that can help us not become the object of anyone’s unwanted attention, and we’ll examine them below. Having said that, it’s important to note that no one is the cause of someone else’s obsessive mental process. That comes from the person’s own genetic and environmental history.

From this point of view, a person with limerent tendencies can make anyone the object of their obsession. Indeed, limerent attachments begin — as all personal attachments do — through subconscious processes. For instance, familiarity to other loved ones in appearance, mannerisms, and values often sparks a sense of immediate connectivity.

This means if you happen to look like someone’s sister or childhood friend, you might unwittingly trigger an immediate connection. Or, if the person’s personality resonates with your own, then that can trigger feelings of closeness.

Conscious Behavior

So while there’s nothing you can do to stop someone from initially feeling whatever she feels, thinking whatever she thinks, and experiencing whatever compulsions she experiences, there are still a few things you can do to help prevent avoidable triggering. Interestingly, most of these are quite similar to the regular actions we take to avoid unwanted attention.

For example, flirtatious behavior inevitably provokes attention. However, many people aren’t intentionally flirting and would be insulted if accused of doing so. They are just friendly, relaxed extroverts, who smile and chat easily. These characteristics put everyone at ease, leading to a large circle of friends and acquaintances. It’s understandable that someone with limerent tendencies would be attracted to a warm and welcoming person. Those with this personality pattern need to be aware that others can misinterpret their attention as personal (“Oh, the way she looked at me — straight into my eyes — and laughed at my joke...”). Although changing one’s personality is not necessary, one must be conscious of one’s behavior. In some situations, it might even be advisable to tone down the friendliness, especially in mixed company.

These days, when conditions such as limerence appear to be on the rise, doing so with all strangers may be advisable. It’s not necessary to be cold and rejecting; just be aware that signs of too much friendliness may act as an invitation that you didn’t intend to send.

Keeping Boundaries

However, it’s not only those with good looks and highly social personalities who are at risk for becoming the objects of someone’s limerence. Ordinary, quiet folk can also become LOs as a result of just being nice people.

Of course, we should all be “nice” to one another, but it’s also important to have normal boundaries. Being too nice can lead to misinterpretation. For example, offering to give a ride up the block is one thing but offering to drive across town may be another. We all need to be able to say no appropriately.

This also holds true if someone who obsesses about you confronts you with her feelings. If you want to send her away, you’ll need to be able to be very clear, whether or not this may hurt the person (which it likely will). Bending over backward to prevent that hurt can result in a mixed message that leads again to misinterpretation.

“If I did anything to lead you on, I’m really sorry — that wasn’t my intention at all,” is better than, “I really like you as a friend but I think we should just keep it that way...” In fact, this last statement is an invitation for a limerent to hang around indefinitely, hoping that as the two of you become more familiar, you’ll change your mind! The truth is, we all know how to send a clear “I’m not interested” signal to those we don’t want to get to know better. We simply have to be willing to do it.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 810)