Help your teens ride the roller coaster of life

O

ne difference between you and your teenage children is that you know more than they do. You know this and they don’t which is just one example of this fact. But there are others: You know that life has its ups and downs. You know that everyone suffers and that your own situation while unique in its details has been and will be experienced by many others. You know that support is available. You know that things can change and that sometimes great patience is required.

In other words you know through longer life experience that there is either light at the end of the tunnel or there is another tunnel. But your teens are too young to have experienced these truths. Often they feel completely alone in their pain and their struggles. When they look at others they see smiling faces not broken hearts; the optics lead them to believe that their own confusion insecurity hurt and anger are freakish. They hide in shame. They certainly don’t tell you about it.

Adolescence is a particularly hard time in life because of the na?vet? vulnerability and lack of information characteristic of people in this age group. Consider for example a 14-year-old who has suffered from the conflict he’s witnessed “forever” between his parents. In addition he experiences humiliation in school and doesn’t get along with his siblings. Of course he has happy times as well — which only makes it harder for him to explain why he usually feels smothered in dense dark smog. And he can’t speak to anyone about it. 

Unprocessed Feeling

The problem for this teen and others like him is that unnamed feelings eventually become overwhelming. Unfortunately teens (like adults) often discover the temporary relief offered by a multitude of numbing strategies: disordered eating reliance on pain relievers use of alcohol or drugs excessive shopping or study — indeed any compulsive or addictive activity that increases the pool of good-feeling chemistry while blocking access to inner stress.

Dysfunctional coping strategies quickly become entrenched in the adolescent’s toolkit. The child doesn’t know of any other way to deal with inner angst — unless of course you show him. You need to give him education about emotions along with a set of life-saving skills for swimming in the deep waters of life — just as surely as you would teach him to navigate anything else.

It’s up to you to acquire this knowledge and skill set so that you can use it model it and teach it. While professionals can help a troubled teen parents themselves can do much to help prevent and heal adolescent stress. 

Stress Management Begins at Home

One of the most important strategies you can employ — starting from your baby’s first days of life — is the habit of naming feelings. As we discussed last week by showing that you can see and welcome distress you help your child learn to recognize and welcome his own feelings.

Being willing to acknowledge negative feelings without trying to change them in any way demonstrates that you take those feelings in stride that you know that they aren’t dangerous and that they will pass.

“I know you’re scared” can and should be left as is. When your adolescent speaks to you in a grumpy tone your compassionate “You seem irritable” lets him know what he himself might not yet have acknowledged: that he’s feeling irritable right now.

You can always offer support. “Do you want to chat?” When a child asks what to do about his negative feelings you can educate. Talk about exercise sleep self-help books and strategies journaling and anything else you know about.

But there’s no need to wait for a cry for help. Be proactive bringing home appropriate books (libraries often have a child-and-adolescent-friendly collection of books on emotions and stress management) and having table discussions and one-on-one talks about the challenges of life the different emotional reactions that people experience the different solutions they find and the art and skill of preventing managing and healing stress.

Keep in mind that if your child is human he is having the full range of emotional experience. Teens tend to seem fine even when they’re far from it.

Parents can’t prevent mental illness but they can help foster good mental hygiene by providing emotional education and support.