“Legs straight! No bending!” Tova calls. “Hey — Michal? Hold it there. I’m coming over. Keep practicing,” she tosses over her shoulder at Mimi. “I’ll watch you again later.”

Is it her imagination? Or is Tova giving her a lot of… extra attention recently?

Mimi shrugs. If it’s gonna help her, it can’t be such a bad thing.

“I hate layouts,” mutters Lea.

Mimi abandons her attempts at the double move. “Want me to help you?” she offers. Hey, the sun is shining, and it’s gymnastics day, she’s feeling great, so why not spread the joy?

Besides, it’s kind of… exhilarating… to help someone else get a move just right. Nothing like doing it herself, obviously, but maybe exhilarating in a different way.

“I did it! Omigosh! I did it!” Lea turns an actual cartwheel, lands next to Mimi, and gives her a hug. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! I did a layout! What did it look like? Was it—”

“Not bad for a first time,” Tova says. That mouth-flicker — that Mimi’s learned is the coach’s version of a smile — crosses her face. “Try again and aim for a smoother landing.”

Mimi retreats to her own mat after flashing Lea a thumbs-up. Around her, girls leap and soar, a dozen juggling balls tossed in the air. Right now, they’re just practicing moves, but soon they’ll be synchronizing the end of year performance, and then…

Keep it up, and you’ll be starring in it. Mimi hears Tova’s voice echo in her mind. When had Tova told her that? A while back. Did she remember…?

Mimi almost expects Tova to beckon her over when they’re done for the day. But she doesn’t expect the coach to look quite so… what was that expression on her face?

“The private sessions I talked to you about,” Tova says brusquely, snapping the clip of clipboard down on a sheafs of papers. “What’s going on with them? We met a couple times, then nothing, and I want to know what’s going on. Are you in or out?”

Mimi blinks. She hadn’t meant to let things slip, certainly not gymnastics, but…

“There’s a lot going on,” she blurts. “I mean — schoolwork, and stuff, and then it was midwinter… I just… forgot.”

“You forgot.” Tova drops the word disbelievingly, like a pebble in a pond. Mimi can almost see the accusing ripples circle outward.

“Look, I told you this last time, I don’t need to waste my time,” Tova says, impatience creeping into her tone. “I think you have a lot of potential, in gymnastics and in coaching. I saw how you helped Lea today, how you’ve helped the others. And I’m happy to teach you so you can really take it further. But. I need you to take it seriously, too.”

Take it seriously?

“I do take it seriously, of course I do,” Mimi says, feeling defensive. “It’s just… hard, okay? Schoolwork. Other stuff. There’s — a lot going on,” she says again, for lack of a better way to explain things.

“There’s always a lot going on.” Tova pulls over a chair, sits down with a tiny sigh. Mimi suddenly notices that the coach looks… tired. “Listen to me, Mimi. There will always be an excuse, if you want one. But it’s up to you whether you’re gonna let your excuses define you — or whether you’ll fight back.”

Excuses? Fighting back? How did this conversation get here?

Tova is looking past her, across the gym, or maybe she’s seeing another place entirely.

“I would know,” the coach says, her voice very quiet. “When I was your age — I was in a car accident. They thought I wouldn’t walk again.”

Automatically, Mimi’s eyes flicker down. Tova, not walk? But she— she’s a—

“I was a gymnast. But that’s over now. I can’t do it anymore. Obviously.” Tova says, the old dry tone back. “But I fought. I did every therapy, every exercise, for days and weeks and months… and now I’m back in the field I love. Coaching, true, not performing — but a far cry from the girl they predicted would never walk again.”

Mimi’s tongue is jello. She doesn’t know what to say.

“Whatever’s going on for you, Mimi, you gotta make a choice,” Tova says, standing up again. Her voice is brisk again. “You need to decide what you really want out of life and run with it. Not let other people, other circumstances, dictate what you do.”

Other people. Other circumstances.

Is that what it is?

Or is this — her grades, her parents, the whole Kayla situation — something very different to Tova’s story?

Mimi’s head is a tangle of thoughts. She wants to move ahead with gymnastics, of course she does, but it’s just — complicated.

“I’ll— be here next Sunday,” she promises. But she can’t promise any more.

“I do take it seriously, of course I do,” Mimi says, feeling defensive. “It’s just… hard, okay? Schoolwork. Other stuff. There’s — a lot going on,” she says again, for lack of a better way to explain things

Kayla Weiss, notes on Dunbar’s friendship theories

02/23/2022, 8:04pm

Dunbar’s proposal: a model of human relationships based on size of social networks measured in relation to volume of neocortex relative to remaining volume of brain (Dunbar, 1996)

Therefore, number of individuals with whom one person can maintain ongoing relationship, is limited — to approximately 150 (Dunbar, 2010)

Temporal constraints: the time spent pursuing one relationship by default risks distancing others (even while acting as investment for that relationship) (Hall & Davis, 2017)

Close friends are expected to provide emotional support and other tangible benefits (Dunbar, 1996)

The more friendships, the less close they are — due to time and cognitive constraints (because people are unable to maintain large investment in many relationships) (Miritello, 2013)

Conclusion: Having fewer friends is better than having many, in terms of quality of relationships.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha Jr., Issue 919)