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long wait at the doctor’s office is not what I wanted today on Erev Succos. There’s too much joy in the cool autumn breeze. The avenues look like a massive circus replete with tents of tinsels and gaudy decorations. I sigh tired and happy and wait.

The heady fragrance of pending holiday is compounded by the magic of a kicking little being inside me. It’s been a long pregnancy as pregnancies tend to be and I’ve been dreaming lately of baby fragrance buttery skin and delicious tiny things.

The doctor Dr. Keilson is chirpy. “You’ll be outta here in a jiffy” she promises. My mind is on dessert (chocolate pie the first night — or apple cobbler?) when her voice snaps me out of my sugary ruminations. “So... we’re measuring a bit small.”

I startle. I’m in my ninth month already and so far it’s been smooth sailing. “Oh.” I say “Why?”

“Well there could be a number of reasons. I wouldn’t worry yet. Are you eating right?” Dr. Keilson asks me about my diet about my work schedule. Finally she orders an ultrasound. “Just as a precaution ” she shrugs. “I’m fairly certain all’s well.”

Well if she’s fairly certain then so am I. I mentally go through my last-minute shopping list and wonder if I should bring a salad or kugel to tomorrow’s seudah. It’s only decent to contribute something. We’ll be eating all the meals at my parents — no flying off to the in-laws now with the due date around the corner.

But the ultrasound technician is taking her time and I begin to fidget. In the semi-darkness I scrutinize her face. I wait suddenly breathless as she sighs lightly pushes back her chair and leaves the room telling me to wait for the doctor.

By now my palms are cold my stomach tight. I close my eyes and will myself to halt my monstrous imaginations. Then the door opens light floods the room. The doctor smiles too sweetly pats dark bangs out of her eyes. Before she speaks I pounce.

“The baby. Is my baby okay?”

“Well... we hope so” she says slowly. My heart clobbers my throat as she continues. “It’s... the baby is small worryingly small. And we’re not quite sure why. Everything looks fine.” She pauses. I want to shake her.