Remember reading those pieces? Well, I’m the girl in all those articles. Nice to finally meet you

Dear Reader,

HI,nice to meet you. I’m the girl in the article.

You know, the one you read about last week, next week, the week in between. Remember that advice column question where the lady asked about her daughter’s new friend who seemed to lack boundaries, and all the responders (unanimously) warned her about what they termed an unhealthy relationship, told her to try to distance her daughter from the girl?

And the psychology piece discussing attachment? It also cautioned readers about girls with unhealthy needs and tendencies to latch onto people in obsessive ways. It discussed how extreme the unhealthy person’s needs tend to be, and advised readers to keep themselves safe from people like this.

And the column that introduced laypeople to the term “codependency”? That was another one, subtly (and not so subtly) nudging people away from relationships like those.

Remember reading those pieces? Well, I’m the girl in all those articles. Nice to finally meet you.

I want to give a voice to the girl without boundaries, to the friend you should stay away from, to the human embodiment of attachment issues.

Reading these pieces leaves me with a confused cauldron of emotions. Because beyond the words and psychobabble and advice to confused mothers, I’m a person. And I read this, and I see that I’m the person you should stay away from, the person who isn’t healthy, the person who lacks boundaries. And I agree with it. I agree with all of it.

But I want you to know how it feels to be that person. How it feels to have an insatiable need for something, something you can’t quite grasp, from as far back in your childhood as you can remember. How it feels to think and know and believe that you’re crazy, for as long you can remember. How it feels to know that your behavior is “different” or “wrong” or definitely not how other people act, but be powerless to stop yourself.

How it feels to hate yourself for being like this, for doing this, for repeating the same destructive patterns that you cannot understand, over and over. And over and over. How it feels that no matter what’s going on around you, this need is what drives the bus. How it feels to watch yourself “act crazy” from outside, as if watching from above, but not know how to change it.

How it feels as an adult, when you finally embark on a therapeutic journey and learn about the trauma and gaping hole from your childhood that’s driving all this — yet, you still can’t seem to change anything. Trauma, attachment, inner child, you know all the lingo. But here you still are, doing the same thing you did 30 years ago.

You read articles and letters that warn people away from having relationships with people like you (understandably so), and you wish that they knew there’s an actual person at the other end. Not an invisible, imaginary, unhealthy, boundary-less monster, but a real, real person who is simply sad. Sad that the world has to be warned away from her and even sadder that she agrees with the warnings.

So allow me to introduce myself. I’m the girl in the article. And I’m glad we got to know each other a little, if only for you to see the real hurting person behind the words on the page.

Sincerely,

The Girl in the Article

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 789)