There’s a poor family in my neighborhood — a middle-aged couple with a teenage daughter. Neither of the parents seems to have ever worked the father learns according to an idiosyncratic schedule and the mother gets government help and shnorrs food from people. They’ve been thrown out of a local chesed agency.

They’re intelligent people but the mother regularly appears on people’s doorsteps looking for company food and “tutoring money” for her child. This seems like a psychological obsession — she’ll ask for things she doesn’t even need although she can be fussy about what kind of food she’ll take. She rarely makes Shabbos instead asking people for invitations.

I don’t mind helping out but this lady arouses the fear that the more I give the more she’ll take. I’m not a person with endless time and resources to help her; in fact sometimes I get resentful and want to say “Look some of us work for a living and don’t have time to hang out!” Obviously it’s part of her craziness to expect people she barely knows to drop everything and take care of her needs without her having to take responsibility or give back.

She makes my kids very uncomfortable as well. I did host this family once for a Shabbos and would perhaps do it again once in awhile but some of my children are adamant that they don’t want them.

How do I behave with chesed and mentschlichkeit yet maintain boundaries? Should I try to gently tell her that she can’t always expect others to constantly give to her? And how should I deal with my kids chinuch-wise when they have an even harder time than me opening their home and hearts to these unfortunate socially inappropriate people?

Rabbi Dovid Weinberger

 The scenario presented is indeed a difficult one on many levels. There is no doubt that this woman is in dire need of psychological help which perhaps could be provided by a clinic or through the goodness of rabbanim or askanim in the community who would want to help her. I would see to it that a rav or askan be contacted and insist that she be seen by a therapist/psychologist to help her go forward.

Additionally I think it is important that this woman understands that as nice as it is to be constantly invited by others it is important for herself her husband and her child that they have Shabbos by themselves. Once again some rabbonim and askanim should be involved to get her food and money so she should be able to make Shabbos on her own. (You say that she has been thrown out of the local chesed agency and I am not clear of the basis of that. Perhaps she was abusive etc.)

Your children do need to understand that they come first in your home and that it would be most inappropriate from a chinuch perspective to be doing chesed on their expense. In many homes Shabbos is the only family time and when there is company invariably the children’s chinuch experience and bonding time of parents is cut to a minimum if at all.

Yet no doubt there is chinuch in realm of chesed as well particularly when dealing with difficult people. You should explain to your children in advance the concept of difficult people people with psychological troubles and the importance of extending a hand once in a while to an indigent and unstable family. Specifically I would urge your children to give her child a good feeling of Shabbos and of being in a stable home. I am confident that in this setting they would be more than happy to be part of the overall chesed that you and your husband are performing for this family.

Regarding your own feelings of resentment realize that doing chesed when it’s easy is not such a great mitzvah. Many poskim point out that inviting your friend with her husband and children for a Shabbos seudah is not in the realm of hachnassas orchim. There is no doubt that having the family in question over for Shabbos is challenging yet at the same time it’s an opportunity for real chesed for the entire family. However it has to be a chesed that you’re able to handle. It needs to be done at the right time and in a limited fashion so that you don’t get frustrated and burned out. The mitzvah of chesed is not necessarily convenient yet proper demarcations and limits must be set so that you and your family are not taken advantage of. Chesed that is done in this manner based on the aforementioned outlook will be truly a rewarding experience for all involved.

Rabbi Dovid Weinberger is the rav of Congregation Shaary Tefila of Lawrence NY. He is also the author of numerous seforim most recently the siddur Ohel Rachel ArtScroll’s women’s siddur. Rabbi Weinberger lectures on hashkafic and halachic concepts and has spearheaded numerous community initiatives.

Dr. Dovid Fox

 I’d like to start with my standard caveat — every situation is unique and without knowing the details of your situation I can only respond with general guidelines.

This difficult matter is more of a halachic quandary than a psychosocial one. I can’t offer mere advice since this has to do with one’s Torah obligation to give charity and the limitations of those obligations. Fortunately these complexities are covered by Chazal.

The Shulchan Aruch rules that when dealing with those who ask for help we are obligated to do so with pleasantness and a cheerful expression. It warns us not to be dismissive in attitude or tone when asked to help. Our facial expression and attitude are part of the halachic parameters of the mitzvah of tzedakah.

The Shulchan Aruch also rules that we have a right to differentiate our responses to someone asking for help depending on what they are asking for. If a person wants open-ended financial support someone to shoulder their financial responsibility or shelter or clothing if we have grounds to suspect their authenticity we are not obligated to provide them with financial help. However if a person says “I don’t have food to eat ” we should not hold them under scrutiny or cast doubt on their authenticity but should make sure they get food either by providing actual food or by giving them money to purchase it.

It’s important that all of us be mindful of these halachos. How to fine-tune the psak in your particular situation is something that should be discussed with your rav.

I’ll now move onto the psychosocial aspects of the issue. We Jewish People are a wonderful community who try to provide resources to a variety of individuals with many different needs. In addition we often have professional askanim who network with government resources to make sure that our needy brothers and sisters can be helped. The situation that you’re describing sounds like one that requires such an intervention.

In your dilemma there isn’t a clear source of employment there are questions of the possible neglect of a child whose needs must be met and there may be a mental health concern. It sounds like this woman may have some conflict or struggle that is causing her to beg in the way you describe. There are a number of well-defined personality disorders psychological conditions and even psychiatric illnesses that can lead a person to compulsive begging feelings of entitlement grandiosity and faulty social judgment or lack of inhibition.

Considering all that it seems proper to work with local Jewish agencies to make sure that a social worker or appropriately trained person meets with the couple to asses their needs and find out how they can be helped. I am not talking about being moser or frightening them with threats of intervention but helping eligible and deserving candidates be assisted by the many facilities that take care of those who can’t function independently.

As an aside we are a wonderful giving nation and we therefore sometimes make it too easy for people to take advantage of the many resources we offer. Individuals may languish in a state of passivity since there are devoted Jews who will shoulder their burden whether it is good for the family or not. You have to be wary not to foster a pathological dependency that might not be optimal for the mental health of the parents nor healthy modeling for their teenage child. It is a bittersweet irony that in our zealous passion to be charitable and generous we sometimes enable the passivity of individuals who would do better being proactive and learn to lead productive adjusted lives.

At times with some careful checking one might find that an apparently needy individual is actually receiving numerous government monies and other forms of assistance and possibly earning as much or more than people who hold steady jobs. It is important to refer back to the halachah that when a person is not asking for food for immediate consumption your doubts about the validity of their need gives you the ability to be cautious rather than spontaneous.

Regarding your concerns about how to be mechanech your children in this complex situation I’d like to quote my father-in-law Rav Dovid Rebibo rav of Phoenix Arizona for close to half a century. He was mechanech all of his children that being charitable and doing hachnassas orchim is not about having the guests whom you enjoy hosting. As rav in a small southwestern town he welcomed numerous stragglers and his family had many questionable individuals share their table. He always taught them that being machnis orach includes being moser nefesh.

This is the attitude you should give your children. Those who are recipients of our favors are not always easy to give to and not always easy to host but this is the mitzvah. When Avrahom hosted the three malachim he was convinced that they were pagan wanderers. At the same time however to the degree that each of your children are mature enough to understand this it’s also important to explain that there are times when the halachah will point us to use our charitable impulses in one way and other times in another way. We don’t want to disillusion them too early but as they mature children need to integrate the lesson that there are different types of needs and they must be dealt with differently. Helping someone learn to take care of themselves is also tzedakah.

As a final note if you’re concerned that your children might be scared or may be negatively affected by excessive contact with the neighbors then your primary responsibility is to your children. Don’t discount their feelings particularly when this family may be dealing with a situation in which all of your giving may not suffice because their struggle require more professional intervention. Show your children that when there are grounds for concern we don’t turn needy people away with coldness but rather we seek pask v’eitza to direct them to the proper resources.

Dr. Dovid Fox is a clinical psychologist and graduate school professor He is also a rabbi and an auxiliary faculty member of the Kollel of Los Angeles.

Dr. Shula Wittenstein

 This is an important question; it’s good you are aware of the fact that in some cases indiscriminate giving may be detrimental. I appreciate your honesty when you describe your fear of being taken advantage of and your building resentment as well as the discomfort of your family. That honesty will actually enable you to do chesed effectively and wholeheartedly to both this family and your own. Doing chesed with resentment and fear is bound to backfire in nonproductive and potentially harmful ways. Forethought and decisiveness about what you are and are not able to do is not only your prerogative it’s essential.

From your description it sounds like your neighbors are more than unfortunate. I’d venture to say that there may be some deep-rooted pathology. Behaviors such as these may stems from serious abandonment issues and a fracture in one’s sense of self from an extremely early age. This family appears to have developed a chaotic manner of coping. If this is indeed the case this isn’t a family that can easily help themselves. It’s not a matter of their needing to make up their minds and change; they need professional guidance to help stabilize their family system. They are surely deserving of your empathy and kindness as every Jew in need is; the question is how and to what extent to help them.

You speak about setting boundaries. A boundary is a demarcation illustrating “This is where I end and you begin; we are not fused together.” Some people intuitively understand and respect others’ personal space while others are challenged in this area. Setting boundaries in place here is important.

Your judgment call implying that she should live her life differently and the fear of the giving becoming never-ending is hindering your ability to be impartial. Let go of the judgment and fear. Think the situation through and come to a conclusion about what you can do for this family. Then do exactly that. Remain steadfast to your plan of action. Decide for example that you’ll have the family for Shabbos once a month and then do so. If she asks for more just smile and kindly yet firmly refuse. By ensuring that you don’t get pushed into an emotional corner you’ll be able to do that which you decide to do wholeheartedly and warmly.

This will also help you deal with this issue vis a vis your children. They are probably picking up on your anxiety of being taken advantage of. You want to teach your children to be baalei chesed in the best way possible. We do what we can and set the boundaries that will enable us to keep on giving.

Regarding your wondering if you should tell her that her expectations are unrealistic neither should you tell her nor will you be successful in changing her way of being. This urge to put her in her place may be coming from a part inside of you that feels threatened by her neediness. Once you are clear within yourself where you stand the urge to reprimand should dissipate

What you may want to do after you’ve set healthy boundaries is to offer some pointers from a place of empathy. Help her with a reality check that will protect her from humiliation and prevent her from burning her bridges with those around her. You may also want to find out what resources are available in the community that can help this family in a more comprehensive fashion.

Dr. Shula Wittenstein Psy.D is psychologist specializing in couple therapy as well as work with trauma survivors anxiety and depression. She is an expert in CBT and EMDR. She has a private practice in Jerusalem.