Practically, what can we do to build up closeness after a rift?

Dear Mindy,

We are best friends. We recently had a fallout that we both feel caused our relationship to decline. We struggle to find things to talk about. The icy wall between us is still there (although it’s melting). We still feel the remnants of the bitter fight. It’s kind of awkward, especially because our grandmothers are also besties. We feel our friendship has loads of potential but just needs a bit of expert advice. We have spoken this through and feel your column would be the perfect way for us to get help solving our relationship and returning to our former closeness and comfort.

We would love to hear from you!

Many thanks in advance,

Kayla and Frimi

Mindy’s Message 

Dear Kayla and Frimi,

Thank you so much for reaching out and sending your eloquent letter. The fact that you are both aware of the distance between you and looking for a way to repair it, is already half the battle. You have inadvertently stumbled upon one of the greatest truths in social relationships. When there is a relationship rupture or “falling out,” even when all is forgiven, it is not necessarily forgotten. Every argument and fight can cause distance. A repair is beautiful but sometimes there is still some scar tissue that remains.

I remember that once, when my oldest son was little, he accidentally rolled off my bed. I panicked and went to the pediatrician’s office. Although he was acting normally and looked fine, I was worried that there was some hidden damage. The pediatrician frankly replied that every time a head gets hurt, there is an impact, even if it is not visible.

I feel that interpersonal relationships follow that same rule. We are incredibly lucky that Hashem is not a human being and therefore no matter how many times we mess up, make mistakes, and do aveiros, Hashem forgives us wholeheartedly in a way that does not leave any scar tissue.

We are supposed to emulate the ways of Hashem and forgive others in such a loving manner that we allow ourselves to repair and rebuild relationships, despite the natural distance or coldness that might remain.

Practically, what can we do to build up closeness after a rift?