Can I motivate my kids to do their chores? One woman's valiant quest

Last summer, I shared my week-long experiment to see if I could get my children to eat more vegetables. At this point, my kids are eating about as many vegetables as they were before the experiment — not many. But vegetables do feature in our dinners on a more regular basis, so even if my kids aren’t consuming more, my husband and I are definitely doing a better job at modeling healthy eating.

My children got a kick out of the moderate celebrity status they enjoyed after the last article was published, so when I asked them if they’d be up for participating in another experiment, this time focusing on helping around the house for a full month, they readily agreed.

Facing Reality

Currently, when it comes to helping around the house, my kids are pretty average. They help out when they’re in the mood, but usually they’d rather be doing other things. They don’t have assigned jobs, although there are certain expectations, like keeping their rooms relatively clean (read: picking up clothing off the floor), putting away clean laundry, and clearing their plates from the table when they’re finished.

Even though I’m not losing sleep over it, I’d love for them to help out more. Research indicates that children who have set chores have higher self-esteem, are more responsible, and are better able to deal with frustration and delay gratification.

From a parenting perspective, of course I want that for my children. On a personal level, I’d love to stop muttering, “What do you think I am, your maid?” under my breath and get a little more help around the house.

I faced a couple of main obstacles. One was that there are already so many things I need to get my kids to do, from brushing their teeth to homework to davening, that assigning chores was just not a priority. It was even less of a priority than getting them to eat vegetables.

Another issue is the uncomfortable reality that getting them to actually do chores takes effort on my part. Real, concerted effort, from planning to following through, and in the past, many of my (admittedly half-hearted and poorly executed) attempts to get them to help devolved into nagging and frustration on my end and extensive stalling tactics and kvetching on theirs.

Also, let’s be honest, I do the chores both faster and better.

I reached out to Adina Soclof — a parent educator, professional development instructor, founder of parentingsimply.com, and author of Parenting Simply: Preparing Kids for Life — for her insights.

“It’s long-term parenting,” shared Soclof. “This is not a short-term thing, you have to have the long-term goal in mind, which is that you want them to be helpful people. Your home is the training ground.”

Keeping this goal in mind can help keep the experience positive and also make it more effective, she advises. If the long-term view is that you’re going to teach them the skills to ultimately be responsible in their own homes, it’s helpful to keep in mind that that means they’re going to mess up, a lot, in your home. This is where they’re learning, and we all make mistakes when we learn.

“They do grow up and they do clean their own homes — if it’s important to them,” Soclof told me. She also reminded me that everyone has a different threshold for tolerance to mess, and some people are naturally neater than others — and that’s okay, too.