If managing life feels impossible, you may have adult ADHD — and there’s a lot you can do about it

Sometimes opposites really do attract: Shaya and Esti* are a definite example of the phenomenon. Shaya pays the bills, coordinates which sibling is going to the parents for which days of Yom Tov, and he’s also the gabbai of the shul.

Esti is the life of the party, spunky, creative and spontaneous, with a great sense of humor. Esti is famous for being everyone’s best friend. Running a home — not so much. She doesn’t seem to have a great handle on the basics. She’s technically a great cook, but forgets the food in the oven a bit too often, can’t ever find her keys (she has the Tile key finder app but never remembered to program it), is always running late to events, and she’s behind on the laundry. Very.

Shaya’s frustrated. Esti’s overwhelmed trying to juggle all the balls and feeling like she can’t keep up with life. She’s often up well past midnight finishing the laundry, trying to clean the kitchen (again), figuring out which kid needs to see the dentist and when, and making a new shopping list to replace the old one that disappeared from the counter. Watching her friends manage their (spotless) homes doesn’t do much for her sense of self. She’s tired and gets snappy way too fast for her liking. She’s trying harder and harder, but trying doesn’t seem to help much.

For the longest time, Esti didn’t have much hope that things would improve. She made minor improvements over the years, mostly by figuring out ways to compensate for her disorganization. She bought the biggest kitchen clock she could find to help her keep track of time. A second timer on the counter helps her remember the chicken in the oven. But nothing made a meaningful difference — she knew she’d need a miracle for that to happen.

The miracle happened when Esti’s fifth-grade son started Gemara and couldn’t keep up. His rebbi suggested going for an evaluation to see whether he had ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder). When she finally sat down and filled out the evaluation forms sent by the therapist, Esti was shocked to discover how many of the questions were highly applicable to her own life. Soon it clicked: Esti’s oldest joke, “it’s my ADHD,” was actually no joke.

Getting formally diagnosed and taking steps to address her ADHD was a game changer for Esti. She finally understood why she acted as she did and what was behind the chaos of her daily life. More than anything, she was incredibly relieved to discover that it really wasn’t a lack of trying, rather a biological inability to do the things she wanted. Just realizing and understanding what was underlying her actions put her in a better emotional space and allowed for real change to begin. It wasn’t a fairytale ending — and it’s not over yet — but Esti’s life is finally moving in the right direction.