I promise — neither you nor Hashem will get confused about your values or goals even if you have a fulfilling job

I’m a 28-year-old single girl and have had a few jobs over the years, but none that I ever truly enjoyed or felt used my talents. I lost the last job that I had, which was a good thing because I would’ve eventually quit anyway. Now, I just can’t figure out what to do next. I didn’t think I’d be single so long and didn’t really ever plan to have a career. It seems way too late to go back to school — I hope to be married soon and so it may be a waste — and I know that it will give the impression that I’m career focused, which is really not my goal at all. 

How do I find the right job for now?

I’m noticing two separate things here:

1. You have never enjoyed work.
2. You wish you were married and had a reason not to work.Based on your question, I’m guessing your upbringing emphasized the beauty and value of being a Jewish wife and mother, and that you feel relatively prepared to take on that title. I gather you were taught less about the role of a Jewish woman outside of her life as a wife and mother.

If that’s true, I’d also take this a step further and guess that you assume there’s not much you can do to fulfill your unique potential until you can slip into the role you expected. But that kind of thinking often leads you to becoming a passive observer of your own life instead of an active agent.

Let’s put you back in the driver’s seat. Instead of focusing on marriage — the one area of your life beyond your control — focus on all the other things that you can control: how you spend your time, how you find fulfillment, how you put your talents to use, how you fulfill the role you are actually in right now.

I wonder if you’ve never enjoyed work because you believe that if you would enjoy it, you’d be sending Hashem a message that you really are okay, you’ve found fulfillment, and He doesn’t need to rush to get you married.

Could that be? I promise — neither you nor Hashem will get confused about your values or goals even if you have a fulfilling job. Can you trust yourself and Him on that?

I know that you wish you would be married and not need to work (quite possibly a fantasy wish; there’s no axiom that people who are married lose the financial need or desire to work). Still, I’d like to suggest that you use today to plan for today, and be ready to shift if needed tomorrow (when Prince Charming himself knocks at your door). Let’s take a cue from Hashem Himself, who recreates the entire world every day anew, and focus on your goals for today.

Here’s a question: Do you think that Hashem wants you to spend the time you are single waiting or becoming? Correct! Becoming — more of your ideal self, closer to Him, and more of an expression of what only you can bring to the world. Who knows? Maybe your path to marriage involves developing parts of yourself through a job to make you the ideal fit for your future relationship?

We can’t know for sure. But we do know as much as we need to know, and that is that it’s your job to look at yourself in the mirror every day and ask if you’re using the gifts and circumstances Hashem gave you to accomplish your role today.

Career may be a part of that, or it may not. What I would encourage you to think about is who you are, what would give you fulfillment, and what would help you become the ideal version of yourself. Would more money help? Would learning certain skills help you accomplish things you aren’t yet equipped to do? Would certain roles help you connect with more of the kind of people you want to surround yourself with?

Your answers to those questions will likely include the clues you need to choose your next job. Regardless of the professional choices you make, the surest way to a successful life starts with having an ideal relationship with yourself first, by tuning into your strengths, interests, motivations, and goals. And maybe, the version of yourself who has clarity in that may just have to quit a job you love for someone you love. May that become your greatest problem.

Thank you to Tzipora Grodko of the Stories of Hope podcast for your insight on this topic. 

Shaina Keren is a career consultant who helps people discover and create careers that fit their best talents, interests, and life goals. She also advises businesses on hiring and keeping “the right people in the right seat,” in a win-win approach to growing businesses and careers.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1041)