Some are fundamental, some are frivolous. Some are nostalgic, some are painful. Some are big, some are small. But asking these questions makes all the difference

Did I Marry My Bashert?

Dina Schoonmaker

Chazal tell us that 40 days before a person’s conception, a bas kol proclaims, “Bas ploni l’ploni.” However, as none of us have access to that information, the very question, “Did I marry my bashert?” is irrelevant. I’d venture to say that the question itself comes from the yetzer hara!

Hashem wants us to invest fully in our relationships. When someone says that she may not have married her bashert, she is in essence saying that she messed up the Divine Plan. Does she think that Hashem had to reshuffle all of the plonis in Shamayim to accommodate her “mistake”?

While there are many mystical nuances to the concept of bashert, I’m deliberately not relating to them here. Many years ago, I consulted with a very choshuv rav about a genre of books on this topic. The rav told me that while the authors mean well, books like this should preferably not be read, and definitely not applied when making a decision about marriage.

So, what should our approach be?

We bless a young couple that they should be zocheh to build a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael. The word ne’eman shares a root with emunah. We bless them that they have a solid foundation of emunah, believing that they married the only person in the world destined for them.

One of the sheva brachos is, “Sameiach t’samach reyim ahuvim k’sameichacha yetzircha b’Gan Eden mikedem.” We bless the chassan and kallah that they should be as happy as Adam and Chavah were in Gan Eden. We’d like our chassan and kallah to feel as secure in their choice as did Adam and Chavah — a couple completely secure in the knowledge that they had married literally the only person in the world meant for them. In order to create a life of Gan Eden, this confidence is crucial; as soon as you start wondering if you chose the correct spouse, your life is more like Gehinnom.

What, then, should someone do if they’re plagued by doubt about their spouse? In general, thoughts that are irrelevant and disempowering should be viewed as “atzas yetzer hara,” the work of the yetzer hara. Do not be alarmed at the thought; calmly distract yourself from it, realizing that it’s unhelpful and debilitating. You can even deflate the thought by saying, “That’s just a passing thought, it’s not me,” and letting it go without engaging in it.

I also find it helpful to have a mantra to anchor yourself at times of doubt. The pasuk that encapsulates these ideas is, “Elokim moshiv yechidim baisah — Hashem takes two individuals and puts them in the same house” (Tehillim 68:7). The end of the pasuk is fascinating:
“Motzi asirim bakoshoros,” which, according to Chazal, can be translated as, “He takes out prisoners with handcuffs.”

What’s the connection between the beginning and the end of the pasuk?

A prisoner is technically able to move his legs — but when you see that he’s handcuffed, you realize that he doesn’t really have free movement, and he is being led. So, too, with our marriage choices. A person is theoretically free to choose who to marry. But on a deeper level, he’s being led to the specific person with whom Hashem wants him to share a home. Elsewhere, Chazal give a different interpretation of the word “bakoshoros,” explaining that it’s a compound word — “bechi v’shiros, crying or singing.”

Though we do not fully understand the concept of bashert, we do know that Hashem led us to the person who we share our home and life with. And it’s our choice whether we cry or we sing.

Dina Schoonmaker has been teaching in Michlalah Jerusalem College for over 30 years. She gives women’s vaadim and lectures internationally on topics of personal development.