All of us girls and women have dating coaches and respected, knowledgeable mechanchos we call when we need guidance during the dating process...Why is it that the boys have none of this?

Stay True to Your Wallet [Second Guessing / Issue 854]

Are we enabling stores, sheitelmachers, or any other valued industry in the frum world’s skyrocketing prices? We all know it’s happening and most of us love to complain about it. Yet are we still buying these items or overpaying for services even though we probably can’t afford it and can get something very similar somewhere else for half the price?

This goes beyond the topic of sheitelmachers. I think this is an example of what’s going on in our communities, and highlights this aspect of overspending to feel chic. It’s a situation that is partially our fault as frum consumers.

If someone is charging less for a service or item, support them. And don’t assume you’re getting second best. A lot of times it’s a more enjoyable experience, and you stay true to yourself (and your wallet!).

Name Withheld

A Torah Source for Self-Care [Redefining Self-Care / Issue 854]

I was surprised that when the writer of this article looked for a source for self-care in Judaism, she didn’t quote this famous saying of Hillel Hazakein (Vayikra Rabbah 34:3):

“The merciful man does good to his own soul (Mishlei 11:17),’ this [refers to] Hillel the Elder, who, when he was taking leave of his students, would walk with them. They said to him, ‘Rabi, where are you walking to?’

“He said to them, ‘To fulfill a commandment!’

“They said to him, ‘And what commandment is this?’

“He said to them, ‘To bathe in the bathhouse.’

“They said to him: ‘But is this really a commandment?’

“He said to them, ‘Yes. Just as the statues of kings... are washed and swept by the one appointed over them, and their caretakers are provided with sustenance, and furthermore, they are elevated among the greatest in the kingdom, I, who was created in the image and likeness [of G-d],  how much more so [must I care for my body].’”

This seems like a very clear source for self-care.

Rabbi Ephraim Galinsky

Not Such a Cheapskate [Matchquest / Issue 853]

As the mother of boys “in the parshah,” I’d like to give some perspective to the girl dating a boy she perceived as a potential cheapskate. I presume the boy referred to was a typical yeshivah bochur. As such, his parents are funding his dating, not his own executive salary, and dating is expensive. Very expensive.

It costs $75-$150 for a car rental, depending on the time of year, because it’s socially off to pick up a girl in your mother’s minivan, or a vehicle that isn’t up to snuff. There’s $60 minimum in gas and tolls if the boy is travelling from Lakewood/Brooklyn/Monsey for a non-local date. There’s $50 minimum for parking in Manhattan.

$30-$400 the cost of drinks, restaurant or activity depending on what number date it is.

If a boy dates a girl a few times, goes out often, or has siblings dating, too, that translates into a significant financial burden on his parents. So the boy who seems “cheap” may just be a serious learner with no side hustles, who cares deeply about his parents, who may not be able to afford an extra $1,000/month on extravagant dates. Perhaps it’s time for a financial reality check to be included in high school curricula.

Future Mother in-Law

No Excuses [Inbox / 853]

A letter to the editor brought up the obligation of warning a person who is dating someone with a disturbing behavior pattern.

I’ve heard various explanations for why people shy away from this duty when halachah deems it appropriate. These are some of their hesitancies and my responses:

Q: This single is an accomplished career woman. She has a lot of experience working with a wide range of people. If she sees a positive side in him, maybe she’s a better judge than I am?

A: Give her the information you have. That’s your duty. As you have said, she has the decision-making tools. But she may not see things that you did.

Q: Shidduch offers are few and far apart for older singles. If I ruin her chance of marriage and motherhood, will I be able to forgive myself?

A: You’re are not supposed to plan her life. You have to give the information you have.

Q: If I tell her what I know and she marries him anyway, wasn’t that just gossiping for nothing?

A: People who end up in a dangerous marriage remember those who cared enough to warn them. It empowers them to know there’s at least one person who will believe them, who won’t tell them they’re just imagining things.

Name Withheld

Where Are Boys’ Mentors? [Inbox / Issue 853]

I’m nervous to send in this letter for fear of how it will be taken, but I felt I had to respond after reading the letter titled “The Elephant Wears a Black Hat.” I want to touch on one point the letter writer wrote that stuck out for me: “There’s a growing need for mentors for boys, but few to fill it because ‘it interferes with their learning.’” While I feel like I don’t have enough knowledge to say why there aren’t mentors for boys, I will say it’s a huge problem. I’m specifically talking in regard to the topic of shidduchim and dating.

All of us girls and women have mentors from high school, seminary, and beyond. We have dating coaches and respected, knowledgeable mechanchos we call when we need guidance during the dating process. There are workshops, speeches, and events catered toward helping us date productively and properly. In my community, a renowned dating coach gives a class on the dating process to all the girls who are starting shidduchim about how to do it smartly, effectively, and properly.

Why is it that the boys have none of this? Why is it that every single boy I go out with brings up at least one topic of conversation or does something that is just weird to do on a date? Sometimes it’s just the opposite, it’s on a later date and they have no idea how to proceed and date productively. (And no, I don’t want to share details. If you want to hear stories that will make you cringe and laugh until you can’t breathe, just ask my parents. I think my mother gets less sleep than I do at this point.)

I feel like it’s common knowledge to not ask super personal questions, or bring up extremely personal topics on a first or second date. But how are these boys supposed to know that if no one is telling them? Even the most with-it, normal guys have this issue! These are regular mainstream bochurim who learned in mainstream yeshivos in America and Eretz Yisrael, and come from amazing families and communities.

We girls feel like we are a million steps ahead of the boys in areas such as these. We’re prepared for this stage starting in high school. The boys aren’t. That is a problem within itself that needs to be resolved. We girls are ready, mature, and aware in so many ways before the boys are. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. I have friends who come back from a date and are losing their minds because of something that was said, wasn’t said, or something that was done.

The common response all of us get, and I repeat all of us get is, “It sounds like he needs a dating coach/mentor.” Where are the mentors for the boys? Where are the people who are going to step up to the plate and take care of this? Please, let’s fix this.

Still Waiting to Find a Normal Guy

Full-Time Middos [Inbox / Issue 853]

To the letter writer who said that society has to change something in regard to girls only wanting to marry long-term learners:

When your daughters (and I) spent an entire year, day in and day out, with the message, “Your husband should learn for at least five years,” being told to us, shown to us, and incorporated into every activity and lesson, what did you expect us to want in a husband when we got off the plane? Anything other than full-time learning is considered not enough to sustain the ruchniyus of our homes here in lowly chutz l’Aretz.

So after four years in shidduchim, when my husband was suggested to me, and he (gasp) wasn’t learning full time, I was hesitant. The voices of my seminary teachers piped up in my head, chiding me for considering such a thing. Until I reminded myself that I was looking for a person. Yes, I wanted a ben Torah, I wanted someone who prioritized Torah learning, who had a rebbi, who wanted to grow in ruchniyus. And I also wanted someone who had derech eretz, yashrus, integrity, warmth, responsibility — you know, good middos. And when that’s what everyone was describing when we were doing research, I decided to say yes.

And you know the rest. Because while he may “only” learn “part time,” his middos are full time, and the seminaries need to start focusing on that more. Blanket statements like “five years,” or “at least nine years,” as one boy told us, mean nothing about the person.

I have a marriage, a home, and an incredible husband because I decided to “give up” on a full-time learner. Do I still value Torah learning? Yes. Do I still admire those wives whose husbands learn full time? Yes. But there are many, many boys out there who are serious, solid, bnei Torah who also work.

I’m not trying to tell single girls what to do. I never wanted to be told what to do and which boys I should look into or what I should be looking for. But maybe, maybe, they’ll consider it. I did. And it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Name Withheld

Value Each Individual [Inbox / Issue 853]

I want to respond to the letter writer who bemoaned the fact that girls won’t go out with her son because he works.

First of all, as someone who doesn’t fit neatly into the box, I understand you so well! It’s a frustrating journey to navigate these waters, especially when there are few people who get it.

Second, one thing that I’ve come to realize is that a community and a society needs values, and needs specific values, in order to give it meaning and structure. Imagine the confusion that results when one doesn’t know their ideals! At the same time, there needs to be this delicate dance between upholding those values and valuing each individual. It’s the responsibility of the individual to be authentic and honest about where they’re holding and to be in touch with their own values. This can only happen if their parents and teachers treasure them for who they are.

The seminaries should teach our values — Torah, children, chesed — but at the same time build close relationships with students to show them how they can best contribute without the shame that they aren’t good enough or don’t add up. Not everyone needs to be the same, and no one wants to stay in a system where they feel second class. The seminaries can build girls up by showing them how their individual values contribute to and enhance the community values.

So to this mother I say: Build up your son! He only needs one girl to be the right one! The fact that you aren’t flooded with suggestions is a brachah in a certain way. Because since your son is being authentic, you’ve already narrowed down the possibilities.

E.H.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 855)