Not everyone is a born giver — and we need to respect that

Sheva was a “giver.” Ever since she was little, she loved to help. She’d help her mother bake. She’d willingly and lovingly look after her younger siblings. She’d make cards and parties for her friends, and run errands for others. It was all natural and easy for her. And it made her happy.

Esti wasn’t like her older sister Sheva. She’d help when asked, but she did it because she “had to,” and she knew it was the right thing to do. It was never because she really wanted to. In fact, it was hard for Esti to interrupt her activities even to do her assigned chores. Esti was a sweet girl, but no one would say she was a “giver.”

Eventually, Esti and Sheva grew up and had kids of their own. As mothers, they were thrust into full-time giving. They stayed up at night with their babies and got up early to take care of their toddlers. They fed their families, cleaned up after everyone, took care of their husbands, their extended families, their friends, and their communities — all this in their “free” time, when they weren’t at work.

They were both tired most of the time. But Sheva was a “fulfilled” kind of tired while Esti was more of a “drained” kind of tired.

Human Limits

Of course, no matter how much we enjoy doing things for others, there are limits to human energy. Everyone needs to replenish their resources after exhausting them. Everyone needs rest, downtime, personal pleasure, nurturing. Once the “bank” is full, the person can go back out and spend energy again.

Unfortunately, mothers aren’t always able to do what’s needed to fully get out of the deficit.

One Shabbos morning, while relaxing with her girls on the sofa, Esti asked her oldest daughter — 14-year-old Pessy — to please bring the baby’s pacifier from the kitchen. Pessy objected: “Why do you always ask me? There’s other people here! I’m relaxing just like you are!”

The chutzpah was too much for Esti. She jumped off the couch, stuck a finger directly in front of Pessy’s face, and screamed, “Who do you think you are? When a mother asks you to do something, you do it! And you think I’m relaxing like you are? You’re relaxing all the time while I do nothing but run around for all of you all day...”

She went on and on and on, recounting all the sacrifice and hardship her life consisted of and denigrating her daughter’s selfish attitude. Pessy, of course, learned the lesson: doing for others was nothing but painful.

Helper’s High

Esti’s tirade came from a combination of exhaustion and feeling unappreciated. The child within her — that little kid who never really enjoyed helping to begin with — felt enormous resentment. All of this came tumbling out when Pessy so rudely refused to help.

As we know, Esti wasn’t born with an abundance of natural giving tendencies, but her life required tremendous amounts of giving nonetheless. While extra rest would have helped Esti cope better with her daughter’s rude behavior, that was hard to come by right now.

Moreover, rest was not all that this mother needed. Esti needed to understand and respect her own nature. Sheva’s giving recharged her — the more she gave, the happier she was, and the more energy she had to give again.

But Esti’s giving, coming from a place of “having to” and “needing to be appreciated and loved,” seriously depleted her. She wasn’t her sister. She was a good person who had different sources of power and strength. Learning recharged her. Good adult conversations recharged her. Davening with kavanah recharged her. The truth was that the necessity to give often deprived her of the things that made her happy and energized.

Acknowledging, accepting, and working with this reality would allow Esti to be able to give to her loved ones without piling up pain and resentment. She needed to be careful to recognize inner distress and allow herself to meet her own needs in whatever measure she could. She needed to be careful not to over-give, knowing how harmful that could become to herself and everyone around her. By carefully protecting her deepest self from feeling used, mistreated, unappreciated, and resentful, Esti would also be protecting her family. And this, too, is a most important way of giving to one’s loved ones.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 775)