Hi, Shevy,

Did Shuey call you again? I’m mortified. He’s been hitting up everyone who’s related to us, lives near us, lives far away from us, is related to one of our mechutanim, once sat near us at a wedding, attended the same bungalow colony as Ma and Ta, or who’s had the misfortune of driving down our block looking for Dr. Bloch’s office. (Ask me about the time he accosted a mother whose baby was having an asthma attack. Not awkward at all.)

Point is, please do not feel obligated to give him another donation. I don’t know what he told you, or even what this organization does, to be honest, but I do know that his tactics seem to be heavily inspired by all the KGB interrogators in those stories he listens to all day. (Please tell me he’s dropped the Russian accent, though.)

Please don’t block my number. I need you to answer all my recipe questions.

Thanks,

Your (embarrassed) Sister

Dear Bais Torah U’Limud,

I am grateful for all that you do to be mechanech my darling children so that they should be zocheh to grow up into erliche talmidei chachamim who raise doros of yerei Shamayim, just as your tagline says. Really! I am so grateful!

Which is why I pay full tuition AND participate in your annual fundraising campaign (not that you give me much choice).

I am writing to request you kindly lay off the reminder texts re the campaign. A couple of texts to launch and hype us up, sure. A daily check-in as a reminder, okay. A “Last Call!” text on the last day? Well, I guess so…

BUT FOUR HUNDRED FORTY SEVEN TEXTS OVER THE COURSE OF A THREE-DAY CAMPAIGN? I don’t think so.

If your budget deficit is that severe, I would suggest cutting back on the approximately 298 cans of soda you have given my second-grader this year.

With much hope for your understanding,

A Mom with a Job Who Resents Her Phone Pinging Every Three Seconds

Dear Bais Yaakov D’Hometown,

My cell phone rang this morning as I was putting the baby down for a nap this morning, which was your first strike; you’ll get nothing from me if you do anything to jeopardize naptime. A number I didn’t recognize popped up on the screen. On the other line was what sounded like a raucous crowd of girls, amid which I parsed out the voice of my eighth-grade daughter. She was quite agitated that I hadn’t prepared a list of my friends, relatives, and neighbors for her to call this afternoon, which would be devoted to fundraising instead of learning.

Maybe I’m behind the times, but this is slave labor. CHILD slave labor, in fact. No one asked my opinion before they decided this was fine, but I’ll give it to you in lieu of a donation (consider it a donation of my consulting fees).

This has to stop. You’re exploiting my child (who, by the way, has absolutely no finesse or sales skills to speak of). You’re exploiting my wealthy relatives and contacts (who, by the way, do not exist). You gotta start playing the long game: What will serve you better? Taking my daughter out of math class, so that she can never make it big in a STEM career, or letting her master the quadratic equation now, where it’s just a short leap to becoming the highly paid CFO of a large corporation, where she can make enormous donations of gratitude to her former alma mater?

Think smart.

Fuming,

That Mother Who Calls You Every Day with Complaints but Still Wants to Send All of Her Girls to Your School

Dear EPA,

As a Trump voter in possession of five MAGA caps (one for each son!), it is only recently that I have come to appreciate the wisdom of your ways. For it is only when we truly respect Earth, and Nature, and, uh, those blue recycling bins, that we can lead happy, contented lives. And I truly believe that it is vital we start this education at a young age. Because the children are truly our future.

Also, their own future.

Which they will not have if our planet is overrun by cheap Chinese electronics and piles of plastic.

It is with this in mind — my utter, deep-rooted concern for nature, sustainability, and all things green, up to and including Brussels sprouts, even if they’re impossible to check — that I turn to you and suggest you extend your mandate to include laws addressing this vital aspect of childhood education. I propose that just as you limit greenhouse gas emissions and water contaminants, you extend your vast wisdom to outlawing direct distribution of electronics to kids. Impressionable young children should not be allowed to receive 3D printers, drones, smartwatches, or e-vehicles, even as — hypothetically — inducement for charitable ideas.

I promise you will have my vote.

Yours most sincerely,

MAGA No More

Dear Bais Baruch Benayahu,

Thank you for sending me your campaign literature, robocalls, and kids to knock at my door urging me to contribute to your building campaign.

You may or may not recall from where you obtained my contact information: from your application forms. Which I filled out for my son. Whom you rejected.

So, uh, I assume you are now turning to me to offer me the incredible opportunity of being maavir on my middos. I’m going to take out my Mesilas Yesharim.

Thank you,

Definitely Not a Tzadeikes Yet

Dear Valued Organizations,

Thank you so much for the many ways you contribute to our children’s chinuch, our community’s well-being, our neighbor’s health, our kehillah’s learning, and our people’s overall misunderstanding of Chinese culture (lo mein and auctions, specifically).

Here’s what I am wondering, though: Are we giving tzedakah, or just unwittingly all enrolled in an elaborate kibbutz-style economy where we all give money from one person’s WhatsApp status to the next? I really want to support your excellent causes, many of which I have benefitted from personally. I’m just not sure if I actually am.

Sincerely,

Confused

Dear Zeidy,

It’s me, your favorite grandson (at least, I hope so). I’m collecting money for my new Raise It campaign in honor of getting myself a super cool ATV. I know you have many mosdos to give to, but I humbly hope you’ll consider this worthy cause.

Love ya,

Cutting Out the Middle Man and Getting to the Important Stuff

Dear Chasdei Keren Chesed V’Ezra U’Gevurah,

Wow! It was truly impressive to receive your latest auction booklet, which came in at a whopping 628 pages, 8 lbs, 14 oz, and broke my big toe when someone dropped it on my foot. Who would have ever believed that one day, Klal Yisrael would be able to amass such an enormous collection of heimishe toys, prizes, games, and incentives that we could put out such a book? Truly inspiring.

But I’m feeling a bit ambushed. Me and my big toe. I fervently believe that the greatest of childhood pleasures are the simplest, and that children are happier when they have fewer toys: wooden blocks, Magna-Tiles, an empty refrigerator box. When I imagine my children having fun, I picture them playing blissfully in an enormous field, stalks of grain swaying behind them as they play with their wooden toys garbed in clothing of muted neutral linens.

Yet now, inspired by what I am sure is nothing more than a sincere desire to give, all of my hopes and dreams for an idyllic childhood for my children have been shattered.

Bitterly,

Turns Out All My Kids Want Is Battery-Powered Plastic

Hi Leah,

Thanks for sharing the link to your daughter’s school’s fundraiser. It looks like such a special place, and we are grateful to them for all that they do for your family! I have duly donated $72, in exchange for the $72 you gave to my Chevi’s school, with much appreciation.

I did want to bring one small matter to your attention. I gave $180 to the building fund for Yonason’s kollel, as you did for Shaya’s shul building fund, and donated $36 to Meir’s incredible mesivta, the same way you did for Eliezer’s mesivta auction. But last December, we gave $54 to your Chani’s Briyah U’Refuah page, yet you have not yet donated anything to Devora’s Swimathon. No worries — there are no hard feelings; I’m sure this is just a simple oversight. Just wanted to bring this to your attention so that you can rectify it.

Attached please find my invoice for $54, payable to Swimathon for Seniors. Please make sure to select Devora’s campaign page.

Thanks!

Just Keeping It Fair

Dearest Yanky,

I just wanted to let you know, my dear einikel, that back in my day, last century, in the 60s and 70s, when we fundraised for worthy causes, we didn’t get prizes for the money we raised, we actually had to earn the money we raised! Yes, you heard right. We had Readathons and Walkathons and had to solicit people to give us 20 cents for every book we read or every lap we did around the soccer field. So, no, sorry, but I will not be giving an extra $100 to your yeshivah just so you can earn a solar-powered drone. Maybe try telling me something about what you learn there?

Your loving,

Zeidy

Dear Telemarketers of the United States Incorporated,

I was so impressed by your website, your organizational code of ethics, and the clear forethought and foresight that go into crafting each of your policies. While many would unfairly malign your profession, it is clear to me that yours is one with a set of professional ethics to rival those of the law field. Or maybe the Mafia.

My tremendous esteem for your field has me so curious to learn more about the marketing research and fieldwork that surely underlie every decision you make. Perhaps you would indulge my professional inquisitiveness for a moment.

Here is my question: In the history of the whole entire world, has a robocall ever moved anyone, ever, to buy or donate anything?

Please let me know. But call, don’t email: I’ve disconnected my phone.

Thanks,

A Skeptic

Hello?

[pause]

Hello?

Hi! Wait, don’t hang up! This is Yeshivas Avoseinu Hakedoshim, but you can tell from the pep and warmth in my voice that this is no ordinary robocall and you will absolutely want to stay on the line! We’re the yeshivah that’s here for you and your children, and now is the time you can contribute to paving a pathway for growth and greatness, if you’re the sort of person who loves your own offspring, those of your relative’s, or cares at all about the future of our nation!

Please listen carefully, as our menu options have changed, in an attempt to placate, respond to, and integrate all of the feedback we have received.

Press 1 to receive a text instead of a phone call.

Press 2 to receive a phone call instead of a text.

Press 3 to match your friend’s donation.

Press 4 to hear who ignored your WhatsApp status solicitation requests.

Press 5 to hear what prizes your child can win.

Press 6 to ensure your children never get another prize for their entire lifetime.

Press 7 to block all solicitations from schools none of your children attend.

Press 8 to block all solicitations from schools you have given any tuition money to.

Press 9 to request that you only receive entries to Chinese auctions with prizes worth over 10K.

Press pound to set up your automated donation to—

CLICK..

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 935)