Can you navigate simchahs without losing your mind, your dignity, and your toes?
AH,the noble wedding.
Family, dancing, runny mascara… What’s not to love?
Well, if you’ve attended enough chasunahs, you’ll know the answer: Beneath their shiny veneer, weddings can be hotbeds of peril and pain.
How can you, gracious guest that you are, navigate these simchahs without losing your mind, your dignity, and your toes?
Read on for hacks, advice, and one too many product promotions.
BREAK A LEG
You want to look poised. Sophisticated. Graceful. (Everything you’re not.)
So of course, you wear heels.
With your balance, this is a huge mistake.
You lean forward to hug the kallah, and topple into her lap. You hurry to greet a long-lost friend, and face-plant at her feet. Your shoe shifts as you dance, and you plunge to the floor, yanking someone’s arm out of its socket as you go.
Poised, sophisticated, and graceful?
No more stumbling around like a toddler learning how to walk. With a pair of Training Heels® strapped to your shoes for stability and support, you’ll be able to walk, run, and dance like a pro in the tallest of toothpick-thin heels.
Concerned Training Heels® look… well… babyish?
Don’t worry, mamaleh, they look sooo mature. Ignore the bystanders smirking and snapping photos — they’re just jealous of how steady you are.
THE CIRCLE CURSE
As family and friends whirl around the kallah, you reach out your hands and join the circle. Instantly, the woman to your right vanishes, leaving you scampering after the string of dancers with your empty hand flailing behind you.
Moments later, the rest of the circle disbands too, leaving you and a lone stranger holding hands in the center of the packed dance floor.
Stock up on Dancing Glue!® Smear a bit on your palms, join a circle, and smile pleasantly as the two women next to you discover they’re in it ‘til the end. Then, dance the night away.
(In a future Family First edition, we’ll discuss how to separate once the wedding is over. We’re still working on it.)
HEEL AND TOE
You’re shuffling around the dance floor when you feel a shooting pain. You look down: Piercing your foot is a woman’s five-inch spike heel.
“Whoops, so sorry!” the serial-stomper throws over her shoulder as she yanks the heel out of your twitching foot and dances off to skewer other unsuspecting victims.
“I’m fine,” you squeak, then limp out the side door so you can shriek to your heart’s content.
Enter the Steeletoes:® shoes with a runway-ready appearance and the interior of a steel-toed boot, so you can dance in style — and safety. Stress tested for quality, Steeletoes® are 100 percent heel-proof and can withstand even the most exuberant of dancers.
So long, foot-kebabs!
You don’t know a soul besides the kallah, who’s a little… preoccupied at the moment.
You try to initiate a DMC by asking a woman seated at your table to pass the pickles. She hands you the cole slaw and returns to swiping at her phone.
Clearly, you’ll need more than social skills to make friends at this wedding.
With a stylish, spiky, and oh-so-social Snag-a-Friend® bracelet, you’ll feel like you’re grabbing friends out of thin air.
The instructions are simple: Make sure the hooks and wires on your bracelet are exposed, then brush past a potential friend. The bracelet will inevitably snag on the stranger’s clothes, and you will be forced to interact for approximately four to twelve minutes, depending on the strength of the bracelet you chose, and the de-snagging skills of the friend you’ve caught. The bracelet can be reused up to five times per wedding, or until people start to get suspicious.
Note: Snag-a-Friend® is not responsible for any damage to clothing or relationships as a result of using this product.
You park your car and head into the hall. Four hours, 180 decibels, and two foot-piercings later, you hobble out to the parking lot.
But which car is yours? This black Camry with the dent in the bumper? That black Camry with the dent in the bumper? The black Camry behind that other black Camry with the dent in the bumper?
The solution may seem obvious: Just tie a helium balloon to your car.
However, unless you want to spend the next few days scrubbing off silly string and “just married” graffiti, I suggest you follow plan B instead: Use a plunger!
Whether you choose to crown your Camry with this avant-garde accessory or stick it to your windshield, unicorn-style, you can rest assured that your vehicle will stand out in the crowd.
There’s an added perk: Upon seeing your unique car decoration, other guests will give your car a wide berth as you weave through the crowded parking lot, sparing you from adding yet another dent to your Camry’s bumper.
ALL IN A DAY’S ZZZZZ
As you walk to your plunger-bedecked car, you bump into your manager.
“What a late wedding!” she yawns.
You nod eagerly, but she just waves and says, “I’ll see you bright and early tomorrow!”‘
Um…. What about sleep?
It’s Zees Zombie® time! Customized to match your hair color, height, and size (ideal or real), this doppelgänger is almost indistinguishable from the sleep-deprived you.
Your coworkers are familiar with your post-wedding droop letdown; no one will suspect a thing when your stand-in staggers in and sits at your desk, grunting and drooling.
Mazel tov — you survived!
Now kick off your heels, pull off your plunger, and catch up on your sleep. Only two days ‘til the next wedding!
(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 796)
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