If we want our kids to honor us, they must first see us honor our parents

“And He said to Aharon, “Take for yourself a calf as a sin offering…” (Vayikra 9:2)

Rashi explains that Aharon HaKohein had to sacrifice the calf to attain forgiveness for his role in the horrific incident of the Eigel Hazahav. 

There’s another bovine mentioned in the Torah that’s connected to forgiveness for Bnei Yisrael for the Eigel — the Parah Adumah. The Midrash says, “Let the mother cow come and clean up after her child.”

Why must Aharon bring a calf, but Bnei Yisrael require a full-grown cow? (Rabbi Nosson Greenberg, Khal Machzikei Torah)

Visiting my mother is vital to me, a treat I try to plan with regularity. So when Israeli skies reopened this past winter, I booked a ticket ASAP, determined to squeeze in a visit before they closed again. Yet it’s always a balancing act when I go — because while I’m getting some essential Mommy-time, my kids are trying to manage without theirs.

Invariably, despite my planning, my careful arrangements are thrown off when someone gets sick. I once had four kids home across the Atlantic sick with strep. Trust me, it wasn’t a happy situation. This past time, both Shloime’s afternoon teachers got sick with Covid, leaving him home in the afternoons, which completely knocked things off kilter.

Before I leave, I take each of my children aside and thank them personally for allowing me to make this trip, adding that they share my sechar for this mitzvah of kibbud eim.

Let’s offer the following theory. In Mitzrayim, this generation of Yidden had been brought up seeing their parents serving idols. When presented with the familiar and comforting opportunity to serve the Eigel, they knew no better. 

Yes, they’d just received the Torah straight from G-d, which makes an impression, but it’s not simple to obliterate a few hundred years of idol worship from the system. The mother cow indicates that this sin is connected to their parents and grandparents.

Yet this did not apply to Aharon, as Shevet Levi was not exposed to idol worship in Mitzrayim. Therefore, Aharon’s atonement had nothing to do with his parents; he brought a calf, directly connecting to the Eigel. 

The Shabbos after I got back, my girls arranged a Shabbos away for all of us. The excuse was a combined birthday-anniversary package, but the real purpose was pampering their parents. They found a large house in a nearby moshav, right next door to a petting zoo, sending the junior males into ecstasy.

They split up the cooking and shopping and arranged a beautiful program, complete with a printed schedule decorated with family pictures from the past decade.

Friday night after the seudah they set up a full oneg, and we regaled each other with stories of the past, from their childhood, from mine and my husband’s, culminating in laughter, as we marveled how so many of the stories have so many different versions concocted from different memories.

The Gemara (Kiddushin 31a) tells us of a gentile, Dama ben Nesina, who refused to sell Bnei Yisrael a precious stone for the eifod because he wouldn’t wake his father, who was resting on the key to the safe. Although he lost on this lucrative deal, he was rewarded with the merit of a Parah Adumah, which he sold for profit to Bnei Yisrael.

Why was he specifically rewarded with a Parah Adumah?  Kibbud av v’eim, more than any other mitzvah, is something in which parents play a vital role. If we want our kids to honor us, they must first see us honor our parents. It’s interesting that Dama’s father was called Nesinah, which means giving or a gift. Perhaps Chazal gave him this title because he had given his son Dama a beautiful gift — lessons in kibbud av. The Parah Adumah symbolizes the power that parents have over the behavior of their children, who grow up to practice what they see.

Throughout the Shabbos, I reveled in the joy of having all my family under one roof, enjoying this island of time to focus on each member, down to the littlest einekel. But mostly I shepped nachas from my children’s expression of love to us, and from the knowledge that they allowed me to share in their mitzvah of kibbud av v’eim.

 (Originally featured in Family First, Issue 786)