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The A-B-D Shidduch Guide for the Perplexed

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Lag B’omer is here and that means a fresh crop of bochurim has returned from Eretz Yisrael, and the next class of seminary graduates is due to deplane in a few short weeks. Newbie parents and their unsuspecting children are about to be thrust into the cavernous throes of (cue scary music) “The Parshah.”

Words previously known to them will heretofore be referred to in entirely different contexts (e.g. “parshah”). Snoods will no longer be acceptable walking attire. Confusion may temporarily reign as the rest of the family’s needs are brushed aside.

As a public service, Mishpacha has asked me to ease the way and provide these families with a kinder, gentler transition into this new world. To that end, I’ve prepared a compilation of useful terms, with the occasional unsolicited tidbit of advice thrown in, because after all, I’m an advice columnist. Apologies to the chassidishe oilam and to our readership outside of North America; the material here may resonate more deeply with the American Yeshivish crowd.

Disclaimer: All information contained in this feature is purely opinion (mine). No facts were harmed in the creation of this product.

A: Anonymous

Don’t be.

Don’t be that guy (or gal) who calls and asks deeply personal, sometimes highly intrusive, questions about a dear friend or neighbor without revealing your identity. While you may see it as clever, it’s actually just rude. If you’re asking a question you don’t want associated with you, perhaps you shouldn’t be asking it. And if you do choose to stay anonymous, expect the same level of candor in return from your respondents.

B: Bashert

The idea that whatever happens comes from Hashem and is for the good.

In this context, defined as “the person you’re destined to marry,” commonly referred to as “your bashert.” Much ink has been spilled, and even more breath has been breathed, on whether one can have more than one “bashert,” whether one can pass up his/her “bashert” by being too picky, and if having a bad hair day can “shter” something, if it’s really bashert.

Many DMCs on late seminary nights have been held on the elusive inconclusive bashert/hishtadlus balance. (see Hishtadlus below)

D: Dave and Buster’s

Loud, overstimulating venue often chosen for a second or third date with no dating value other than ascertaining how your date responds in loud, overstimulating situations. Which, considering he or she might be the parent of your future kids, might actually be good to know.

D: Discretion

The better part of valor. Everyone loves a good date story, but maintain your date’s dignity. Ultimately it will be your own dignity that’s saved when you’re discreet and respectful.

D: DOA (Dead on Arrival)

Sad but true. Sometimes it will become apparent, upon opening the door, that this match isn’t one. That’s okay. It happens. Be a mensch anyway. (see M below)

(Excerpted from Family First, Issue 642)

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