Rachel’s mother-in-law asked her son (the new chassan) to do an errand for her just two days after the wedding. Twelve years later Rachel still refers to the incident whenever she perceives similar insensitivities occurring. The pain is surprisingly fresh.

Mendel’s wife “abused” her cell phone privileges badly accumulating a bill that took them half a year to pay. Although it happened seven years ago and never reoccurred Mendel still mentions it regularly

Chaya cut her little sister’s hair — pretty well all of it — when she was six and Shevy was three. Although Chaya is now fifteen she is still routinely reminded about her faux pas especially when guests and relatives are visiting. What was once a humorous family anecdote has become a tiresome and irritating tale from her point of view. She wishes her parents would put it to rest already.

Stuck in the Past

Sometimes it feels like family members don’t want to let each other off the hook. Instead of letting bygones be bygones they drag the past forward into the present where it can serve as a constant reminder of unacceptable behavior. There are three primary reasons why people tend to do this: 

1. Even though an offence occurred many years previously the offended party hasn’t healed from the pain. The past is very present — active and alive — in his or her psyche. Professional counseling may be required in order to place the offense in the past.
2. The offended person believes that constant reminders will prevent a reoccurrence of the offence. He or she fears that the minute he or she “forgives and forgets” the offender will repeat the offence. The offended person needs a better way of exerting an effective boundary.
3. The offended person likes to use reminders of past crimes as a way to gain power or control in a situation. Since the offender is helpless to un-do the past the offended person can use it on any occasion to help support a current complaint (“Your mother hasn’t liked me from Day One when she asked me where my grandparents came from. What she said this afternoon is just one more example of her prejudice against me. I don’t want to have anything to do with her ...”). Power attained in this fashion strains relationships; better strategies are needed.

Trapped by Past Misdeeds

Each and every human being makes mistakes. Hashem recognizes this and gives us the opportunity to repent improve and start anew. Indeed Yom Kippur is His gift to us — a chance to wipe our slates clean so that we can move forward unburdened by the past.

Human beings however are not always as compassionate as Hashem. They may refuse to forgive and forget. But if our loved ones freeze us in our errors neither they nor we can ever recover. It is demoralizing to find that even after we have acknowledged our wrongdoings apologized and improved our ways we will still be reminded of the “bad old days.” In homes that hold on people become terrified of making mistakes and may even lie to avoid endless repercussions. “I never told my parents when I got in trouble at school. It would just be an excuse for them to remind me of everything I ever did wrong. They could never deal with just that one issue.”

Statue of Limitations

Creating a family “statute of limitations” can help foster a healthy atmosphere in which everyone is allowed to err and move on. The statute consists of an agreed-upon time period for reminding someone of an offence. Two weeks for example may be a fair time in which an error can be referred to for a young child six weeks may be fair for a teenager. However once the period is over that error goes off the record never to be referred to again (except where absolutely necessary in order to address a current situation — i.e. a teenager’s current refusal to drive a car is linked to a severe accident he caused when he first got his license three years earlier. This information must obviously be relayed to the mental health professional treating the current phobia. However it should never be mentioned to “rub it in ” even if he gets in an accident again). For adult misdemeanors a period of three months might be offered after which the misbehavior goes off the record (with the same exception as above).

In order to apply a family statute of limitations all parties must be willing to acknowledge apologize and repent after erring. Failure to do so makes it very hard for offended parties to heal and move on.

Getting into the habit of focusing on present issues without reference to the past keeps family life fluid and growth-oriented.