Age Is Just a Number

Rav Brudny and Rav Bender both acknowledge that Rav Epstein foresaw it all, some 20 years ago. The crisis was still in its nascency then; there was a niggling but growing realization that too many young women just weren’t finding shidduchim — and that something bigger than “pickiness” or “types” was at play. It was an actuary who identified the root cause, sharing a theory that has now become a ubiquitous phrase: the age gap. Boys were beginning to date at age 23, girls at age 19. Since the population grows each year, the pool of girls entering the “market” every year is significantly larger than its corresponding pool of boys. And so the pool of boys depletes while, every year, the pool of girls is left with several singles remaining.

The result: Crisis.

Over the years, several other contributing factors have been identified as well, among them: unrealistic expectations, financial and otherwise; logistical difficulties for girls in out-of-town communities; misalignment in hashkafah between boys and girls; and a severe dearth of available shadchanim.

And while resolving these issues can improve the system, it cannot rectify a mathematical reality. At its most basic level, the shidduch crisis is about numbers. The age gap is creating an imbalance between the number of boys and girls, manufacturing a data-proven systemic problem that warrants a systemic solution.

This solution has to come in one — or both — of two ways, each with the same end goal: closing the gap.

Boys can begin dating earlier, or girls can begin dating later. The closer in age the two groups are, the more equitable the “market” will become.

Though this was already obvious to rabbanim, askanim, and laymen decades ago, little progress has been made in achieving either of these objectives. The crisis is in full swing.

We all know this, but the rabbanim, the address for all those suffering families, face exponential waves of pain.

“It’s a disaster,” says Rav Bender. “My son has a daughter who is 22. There were 67 girls in her class. Only 30 are married.”

Rav Bender shares how he was recently in Chicago where he spoke to over 90 older single girls. “Many have never even dated yet,” he says.

Rav Epstein explains that while these numbers are terrifying, they come as no surprise. “This has been going on for two decades,” he says. “The problem today is the same as it was then. It’s just that the population is growing and so the numbers are getting bigger.”

“Wherever I go, people are lining up for brachos,” Rav Brudny says. “Fathers, mothers, sisters, and brothers, all asking for brachos for their daughters or sisters.” His voice rises an octave. “Kids! Young kids who shouldn’t be having any worries in life! They’re begging for brachos for their sisters!”

The emotional toll is exacting a collateral consequence that can be deemed a crisis in its own right.

“Someone I know who has several daughters in shidduchim tells me that he ‘eats it for breakfast, lunch, and supper,’ ” says Rav Epstein.

“It’s a pasuk in Tehillim,” Rav Brudny interjects. “Haysah li dimasi lechem yomam v’lailah — and my tears were to me bread, day and night.” (42:4)

That the problem has festered for twenty years is a tragic reality, but past failure should not discourage future aspiration.

“The chance to change this is now,” declares Rav Epstein.

During the past few years, roshei yeshivah and rabbanim all across the US and Canada have coalesced around a driving effort to implement the systemic changes necessary to shift the tide. These efforts were originally spearheaded by Rav Elya Chaim Swerdloff, rosh yeshivah of Yeshiva Gedola of Paterson; Rav Mendel Slomovits, rosh yeshivah of Yeshiva Toras Chaim; and Rav Shlomo Feivel Schustal, rosh yeshivah of Yeshiva Gedolah Tiferes Yerachmiel. But today it is more than just an effort. It has become a movement, gaining the endorsement of roshei yeshivah and rabbanim nationwide.

The moment has come.

Over the course of the past years, there have been efforts, numerous initiatives, and valiant attempts for change — some seeing limited success, some barely that. Overall, the number of unmarried girls kept growing. And the reality is that the toll being wrought by the shidduch crisis severely impacts even those who do find shidduchim. A severe sense of desperation has become intrinsically embedded into the attitude of everyone in the “market.” Girls are being pressured to marry boys even in the face of glaring apprehensions. The relief gained by getting engaged can be Pyrrhic at best, while intense shalom bayis issues may be doomed to follow.

In terms of the age gap, recent years saw a continued setback. The trend among yeshivah bochurim evolved so that they were leaving to learn in Eretz Yisrael even later than in the past. Until recently, the majority of bochurim would leave for Eretz Yisrael either after Pesach of third year beis medrash or after Succos of fourth year. Now, it became standard to begin the “Eretz Yisrael years” after Pesach of fourth-year beis medrash. The boys were returning even older and the age gap was growing even wider.

At a session held during the Agudah convention in 2021, Rav Elya Ber Wachtfogel, rosh yeshivah of Yeshiva Gedolah Zichron Moshe of South Fallsburg, made an unequivocal statement: “We must close the age gap,” he said. “There’s no other way.” He stressed how, while it is true that shidduchim are Divinely orchestrated, we are obligated to do our part in making the process more feasible.

Two leading Lakewood rabbanim sprang to action. Rav Dov Kahan, Ga’avad Beis Din Maysharim and rav of Khal Agudas Achim of the Arlington neighborhood, and Rav Uri Deutsch, rav of Bais Medrash Tiferes Yosef of Forest Park, saw this as the moment to seize.

Approximately 20 Bais Yaakov high schools, some in Lakewood, some out-of-town, were asked to research how many of their alumnae remained single with each year out of school. The responses revealed dismal numbers with frightening percentages of girls remaining single into their thirties.

Having gathered this information, they approached several rabbanim and roshei yeshivah, including Rav Mendel Slomowitz, Rav Mordechai Dick, and Rav Yisroel Perlow (the Novominsker Rebbe), and presented them with these numbers.

All agreed. They had to take concerted action and the first step would be to elect a single authority who would issue final rulings. They agreed that Rav Moshe Hillel Hirsch, rosh yeshivah of Yeshivas Slabodka in Bnei Brak, who was raised in America and is internationally recognized as one of Klal Yisrael’s leading gedolim, should assume this role.

Further data was gathered and initial meetings held. In the summer of 2023, a delegation of several roshei yeshivah traveled to Eretz Yisrael to consult with Rav Moshe Hillel.

Two meetings, each lasting two hours, were held. A few days later, Rav Moshe Hillel issued his directive: Closing the age gap is critical, and it must come from two angles. The bochurim are to begin their term in Eretz Yisrael earlier, and the girls are to begin dating later.

In a straightforward letter, he clearly delineated this conclusion (translated from the original Hebrew):

It is known to all the great pain and suffering that there is to many Bnos Yisrael in America because of the difficulty to find zivugim. The primary cause for this is the great discrepancy that exists between boys and girls at the time that they begin shidduchim. The cause for this is because the yeshivah bochurim begin shidduchim at a much older age than do the girls. And because, b’chasdei Hashem Yisborach, the tzibbur is growing from year to year, a situation emerges where there are many more girls in the parshah than there are boys.

The simple solution to this is to minimize this age discrepancy as much as possible. And the obligation is upon every part of the tzibbur to work to fix this, both from the boys and from the girls. And after contemplating this with great seriousness and with weighing all sides, it appears that the correct option is that, on the girls’ end, they should not begin their involvement in shidduchim immediately upon graduating seminary. Rather, they should wait until Rosh Chodesh Nissan of the following year. (And this is advisable for other reasons as well.)

And from the side of the bnei yeshivos, they should travel to Eretz Yisrael earlier than what is typical today. Since every yeshivah has its own seder, it’s difficult to establish a fixed system, and it is upon each of the rosh yeshivah to do as he sees fit. However, it should not be later than after the winter zeman of the third year of yeshivah gedolah.

And it is upon the bnei yeshivos to know that, as a part of Klal Yisrael, the responsibility rests also on them. And it is part of our responsibility to emphasize that the hishtadlus from the boys’ end and from the girls’ end has to be unified… we should not make a divide between them since they depend on each other.

(It should be noted that, while Rav Moshe Hillel’s letter stipulates that girls should be waiting until Pesach, it has since been contemplated that the wait should ensue until Shavuos. There is still no final determination on this.)

The notion of boys trimming their time in what is known as “beis medrash” — technically, the period of learning between high school and yeshivah in Eretz Yisrael — presents a fairly minimal societal shift. The yeshivah structure ultimately remains the same, it is simply a matter of remaining in beis medrash for three years rather than four prior to moving on to Eretz Yisrael. And, in fact, it has already begun to be implemented to a degree. While the practice until now was for bochurim to set out for Eretz Yisrael following Pesach of fourth-year beis medrash, numerous yeshivos have committed to move this back to the Pesach of third-year beis medrash, when those bochurim would be between 20 and 21 years old.

A list of the participating yeshivos are:

Yeshiva Gedolah Tiferes Yerachmiel (Rav Shlomo Feivel Schustal)

Yeshiva Gedolah Heichal Hatorah (Rav Mottel Dick)

Yeshiva Toras Chaim (Rav Mendel Slomovits)

Yeshiva Gedolah of Paterson (Rav Elya Chaim Swerdloff)

Yeshiva Gedolah of Monsey (Rav Shalom Zimmerman)

Yeshiva Gedolah of Hamilton (Rav Refoel Hertzka)

These yeshivos have already implemented the policy earlier this year by insisting that all fourth-year bochurim leave for Eretz Yisrael after Succos rather than remain until Pesach. Many other yeshivos have voiced their intent to follow their lead.

But postponing a girl’s entering shidduchim is far less simple. The rabbanim are well aware of this and have heard their fair share of objections. The questions being asked are legitimate, all coming down to one overall concern. How can a family be told that they must deflect shidduch suggestions for an entire year?

“There is a special siyata d’Shmaya in keeping with the tzibbur,” says Rav Bender. All agree to this. Difficult as it will be, sacrificing for the sake of the klal can only lead to blessing.

Another critical point to bear in mind is that, while waiting a year for the sake of bettering the system might seem like an altruistic sacrifice, it really isn’t. Allowing the gap to narrow increases each girl’s chance of finding a shidduch and paves the path for a far more even-handed dating experience. It is a move that serves everyone’s best interest.

At this point, Rav Brudny adds a consideration. “There is wisdom in waiting a year,” he says. “Do you know how many horror stories there are that result from girls getting married young? They need time after seminary to figure themselves out. This year can be very beneficial simply for that reason.”

Rav Bender offers a sardonic smile. “He knows. Rav Elya knows. They all come to his door.”

Of course, asking the girls to “wait” shouldn’t — and won’t — mean asking them to live in limbo, without any structure or direction. Many girls transitioning from seminary to the workforce report facing significant challenges. After their rigorous Bais Yaakov education and insular seminary experience, it can be a struggle to adapt to a vastly different environment lacking external structure, and to find realistic and satisfying sources of spiritual support and enrichment.

A next step is to expand existing post-seminary programs, or create new ones, which would  help young women bridge this gap by providing a supportive framework for exploring sensitive topics and acquiring essential life skills.

Worth the Wait

Asking girls to wait is a substantial, systemic shift that provokes significant and understandable discomfort. But the potential benefits can be lifesaving — and it won’t take long to see the results in real time.

Rav Dov Kahan, a central figure in this initiative, shares how the current proposal’s effectiveness is extremely realistic. National statistics indicate that there is a five percent surplus of boys over girls born each year. Since the population grows at an approximate rate of four percent each year, this compensates for a little more than one year’s worth of the gap between boys and girls entering the market each year. By trimming close to another two years, the numbers grow exceedingly positive.

“The numbers were reviewed and confirmed by an actuary,” says Rav Kahan. “He agrees that they have a promising outcome.”

The relief would be felt immediately. The moment the numbers begin to even out, the vast advantage held by the boys’ side will be cut by a wide margin and, suddenly, the girls will be given equal footing.

But there remains one weighty question. Assuming the shift will help mitigate the problem in the future, what about the ravaged past? How are we helping all of the single girls who have already been waiting all these years?

It’s a tough question. “Hashem sees what we’re doing,” Rav Brudny says. “He sees our efforts. Zivugim are like Kri’as Yam Suf. In the zechus of our hishtadlus, Hashem will split the sea.”

And he shares an insight from his father, Mir Rosh Yeshivah Rav Shmuel Brudny ztz”l. “My father quoted Rashi’s comment on the pasuk in parshas Shemos that Moshe Rabbeinu went out and saw the plight of his brothers. Rashi says, ‘Nasan einav v’libo liheyos meitzar aleihem — He placed his eyes and his heart to join in their pain.’ Later in the parshah, the pasuk says that Hashem saw the pain of Klal Yisrael. There, Rashi comments, ‘Nasan aleihem lev v’lo he’elem einav — He placed His heart upon them and did not conceal His eyes.’ ”

The phrasing of these two comments is uncannily alike — both make reference to the dual attentiveness of eyes and heart. And this, Rav Brudny says, is exactly the point.

“My father explained that, because Moshe gave his eyes and heart to Klal Yisrael, Hashem, in kind, gave His eyes and heart  to Klal Yisrael.”

This turbulent sea of tear-filled eyes and broken hearts swirls with so many questions. If Hashem is mezaveg zivugim, do our efforts matter? Can something as basic as a systemic adjustment affect such cosmic change? Will this new proposal be successfully implemented? Will it prove to be the salvation we desperately need?

“We will see yeshuos,” Rav Brudny asserts. The sea will yet split. Not because of the mathematical accuracy of the calculations, but because we care enough to make them, and do whatever we can to resolve the problems they reveal.

We place our eyes and hearts with our sisters.

And our trust with Hashem.

Because He, and only He, can split the sea drowning so many.

SIDEBAR

Start Younger, Marry Older

There have actually been years’ worth of attempts to address the brewing shidduch crisis. Rav Kalman Epstein shares how, back in 2005, a meeting was held in the home of Mirrer Rosh Yeshivah Rav Shmuel Berenbaum ztz”l to address the alarming rise in the number of girls struggling to find shidduchim. Rav Berenbaum spoke with great passion and urged the assembled roshei yeshivah to consider adjusting the yeshivah system to omit the standard two years of learning in Eretz Yisrael. This would “close the gap” significantly.

And while he could not gather a consensus on this position, he remained adamant that boys should, at the very least, be encouraged to begin shidduchim younger if they so desire.

In an open letter that he penned shortly after the gathering, he wrote as follows:

The terrible plight of bnos Yisrael with regard to shidduchim… [about which] the roshei yeshivah gathered together in Kislev of this year, is already known. In our involvement in this matter, we have come to know of many bochurim chashuvim who desire to enter shidduchim at a younger age, though they are hesitant to do so for they do not want to be different from others. We therefore are coming to inform that this is neither a deviation or failure chalilah. On the contrary, it is greatly beneficial and so it is proper and accepted by Toraseinu hakedoshah. And we turn with great pleading to the honorary roshei yeshivah to stand on our side in this exalted matter, for how can we sit with our hands closed in the face of a matter of pikuach nefesh such as this?

It is our obligation to overcome all challenges that might arise, in order to help bnos Yisrael and to free them from this difficulty. And we daven that the Shechinah should dwell in your efforts.

As a follow-up to this impassioned plea, a letter, signed by Rav Shmuel Berenbaum, Rav Shmuel Kamenetsky, the Novominsker Rebbe, Rav Simcha Schustal and Rav Aharon Schechter, furthered the appeal for boys to consider earlier dating.

Yet for whatever reason, the recommendation never gained traction. By and large, the age in which boys were entering shidduchim remained the same, and, in fact, in the last five years, has gotten even older. Thus, the problem persisted, with boys dating girls several years younger than themselves, perpetuating the age-gap, and leaving a growing number of girls without reasonable hope within the system.

In 2008, a renewed initiative was launched. This effort focused on encouraging bochurim to consider dating girls older than themselves, aiming to provide a solution for the many girls already in need of a shidduch, rather than just curb the problem moving forward.

Sensing that bochurim might be hesitant to embrace this suggestion, the gedolim penned a letter to Rav Yosef Shalom Elyashiv ztz”l, requesting that he share his perspective on the matter. The letter read, in part:

It is already known to Maran shlit”a the terrible plight in our country that, for various reasons,  many girls are not finding zivugim in the right time. Now, as far as our hishtadlus is concerned, to fix this situation moving forward, we do not have a solution for the girls that are already in this difficulty, aside from encouraging the bochurim to marry girls older than themselves. However, this in itself is the challenge because many bochurim are afraid of marrying girls older than themselves for various reasons and concerns. Therefore, we turn to Maran shlita to provide his opinion, the daas Torah to the bochurim.

Or perhaps it is l’chatchilah to do so. If, in fact, it is the opinion of Maran shlita to agree with our position, we request with every expression of pleading that he write his opinion and bestow blessing on those who agree to marry girls older than themselves. And this will be a great chizuk.

Subsequently, Rav Aharon Feldman, rosh yeshivah of Yeshiva Ner Yisroel of Baltimore, paid a visit to Rav Elyashiv. There, Rav Elyashiv authorized Rav Feldman to write a letter stating, in his name, that a boy who marries a girl older than himself is acting in a manner of which ruach chachamim nocheh hemenu – the chachamim are pleased with him.

This vote of confidence did achieve some inroads. Today, “marrying older” is not an uncommon practice. Yet the letter of encouragement, and the tacit societal approval, did not make an appreciable dent in the overall dynamic. For the most part, yeshivah bochurim have continued the practice of starting shidduchim at approximately age 23, and to date girls who are two to four years younger.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha, Issue 1054)