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| Family Diary |

Ring Me: Chapter 12 

I insisted on one thing: They could have fun, hang out, party, whatever, but they had to date with focus

Shani Leiman with Zivia Reischer

 

"Excuse me.” The girl behind me in line edged her cart around mine. “I’m just trying to get that gum over there.”

“Oh, sorry.” I snagged it from the shelf near the checkout and handed it to her. “Wait, you look familiar…”

She looked at me and shrugged. “Judy Weisserman?” she said, like a question.

Oh — Weisserman. It clicked. “I think we used to be neighbors,” I explained. “Maybe ten years ago. I’m Shani Leiman.”

After Mrs. Weisserman had been nifteres, the family had moved, but I vaguely remembered a young girl, Hudis. Guess she called herself Judy now. “Do you live around here?”

Judy nodded. “The apartment is on Maple Street.”

“Oh, that’s nice.” Judy was chilled and friendly, and we continued talking as we each checked out and headed toward the parking lot. I learned that she was a social worker and enjoyed working with teens, particularly those struggling with bereavement. Then the topic of dating came up.

“I’m tired of dating,” Judy complained. “I just want to be married.” She told me there was no one significant in her life right then.

Judy was used to meeting guys on her own and dating casually. She had certainly never used a shadchan before, and at 25, no one told her what to do. That ship had sailed long ago — probably when her mother died.

According to what Judy told me, her father couldn’t understand her free-spirited attitude and her cavalier approach toward halachah. He didn’t know how to build a relationship with her, and was bothered by her choice of music, entertainment, and friends. Not to mention her style of dress — her skirts were too short, she wore no socks, her necklines were too low. On top of that, she enjoyed a drink here and there.

“My roommate went out with this guy a few times,” Judy said. “She claims he’s perfect for me, but she didn’t want to set it up. Way too uncomfortable.”

“I could set it up,” I offered. I was amazed when she agreed.

 

Yehoshua, or Josh as his friends called him, was 27. His father was the longtime rav of the community shul, but Josh didn’t buy into the system. He saw himself as a square peg in a round hole, or maybe a triangle or a parallelogram. He dressed in a T-shirt and jeans, and, when the occasion demanded it, dress pants and a button-down shirt — any color but white.

He wasn’t too happy to deal with a shadchan, but I managed to convince him that I wasn’t the stereotypical intimidating and aggressive matchmaker, and he agreed to give it a shot.

When you talk to people in the language they’re used to and comfortable with, it helps them feel understood. When I talked to Josh and Judy individually before they met, I made sure they knew that I had a clear understanding of their dating styles and history. But I insisted on one thing: They could have fun, hang out, party, whatever, but they had to date with focus. Every date had to help them get to know each other better. For example, on one date, the focus could be for Josh to learn about Judy’s relationships with her family, and Josh would be similarly forthcoming with that information.

“I’ll check in with you to help you maintain that focus,” I told them, “so you don’t date for three months and then discover that you’re having fun but don’t really know much about each other.”

Judy and Josh were pleasantly surprised by the success of this system. “This focused approach is a game changer,” Judy admitted. They both understood the need for goals and progress.

After several weeks, Judy’s father called me. He was overwhelmed with emotion when I explained how I was guiding his daughter. “You’re doing what Yehudis’s mother would’ve wanted,” he said. “I can’t thank you enough. I’m so worried about her, but I’m powerless to help. Even though I don’t always understand why she does what she does, she’s still my daughter and I care about her very much.”

“I’ll do whatever I can,” I promised him. “Let’s give them space. Let them figure this out. Everything needs siyata d’Shmaya. I’ll keep you posted.”

I had a similar conversation with Josh’s parents. Like Judy’s father, they were also trying to be understanding of the lifestyle choices their son had made. Their concern and genuine interest in him were obvious, but they didn’t really get him. It was painful for them to accept that their son had rejected their lifestyle.

Judy and Josh got married — two beautiful people who had each chosen their own way. I had a lot of hope for their future.

They had each told me, separately, that despite everything they’d been through in their lives, despite the struggles they had faced, they still believed strongly that Hashem runs the world and that He had always been there for them.

And nothing could prove it to them more than the “accidental” meeting with the shadchan at the grocery store.

 

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 705)

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