Without expectations, we can make Purim joyous again

P urim blues? Really? How can this joyous holiday be anything but joyous?

“Of course it’s my kids’ favorite holiday — the nosh the costumes the party — the whole megillah! But for me it’s everything I’m not good at wrapped up in one: I’m no chef I’m no hostess I’m not the least bit creative. It’s horrible to admit but I dread this holiday. Give me Yom Kippur anytime!”

Plenty of women suffer from the Purim blues. Men not so much. A man is more likely to be content fulfilling the mitzvos of the day in a low-key manner: go to shul drop a bottle of wine and a package of chocolates into a gift bag or — even better — purchase a prewrapped commercially prepared basket (if he’s arranging his own mishloach manos) give the kids his old hats to wear as costumes and show up at the seudah.

Purim is much more likely to induce stress and discomfort in women because the demands of the day tax their energies and abilities. Moreover many women place expectations upon themselves that turn the day into a pressure cooker rather than the happy spiritually elevated occasion it’s meant to be.

Enjoying the Holiday

“I love Purim! It’s the time of year when I can fully express myself. I love designing the kids’ costumes making original mishloach manos and producing a creative seudah. And I love the accolades I get!”

Those who are good at what’s involved in making a lively and exciting Purim don’t intend to make anyone feel bad. On the contrary they’re trying to make everyone feel great. They want their kids to be excited. They want their family and guests to be delighted.

Although they’re certainly not trying to make less talented or creative folks feel bad less talented or creative folks often make themselves feel bad! They rob themselves of the ability to enjoy the holiday.

Permission to Be

Each one of us shines in some areas; no one is “special” just because she has a special talent or skill. The talented mishloach manos maker isn’t better than her uninspired neighbor. Yes she has a gift but she has her challenges as well. The same holds true for every human being: teacher doctor therapist homemaker artist rebbetzin — no one is exempt from this reality. Wealthy or poor prominent or unknown — it matters not; every person has strengths and weaknesses and must utilize both in the fulfillment of her unique mission in life.

“I love being a grandmother. At my age the pressure is off. I don’t feel I have to impress anyone anymore. I used to worry so much about what everyone thought about me as if anyone was thinking about anyone other than themselves! I made myself miserable imagining that I wasn’t living up to everyone’s standards. What a waste!

“I’m still no fancy lady but I’ve learned that no one ever expected that of me — people saw me and accepted me for who I was. My claim to fame is my chocolate chip cookie recipe — and I’m known as ‘the nice lady who lives at the end of the block.’ ”

Free of Purim Tyranny

“The crown of a good name” surpasses them all so a person should be pleased when she manages to come across as a pleasant decent human being. Keeping this in mind the not-particularly-creative woman can free herself from Purim tyranny. “I do basic Purim” needn’t erode her self-esteem or her self-confidence any more than it would erode a man’s.

After a while no one will expect anything from her on Purim other than her sincere good wishes and her simple mishloach manos. Freed from unrealistic and uncomfortable expectations she can now go about being herself and enjoying the day. She can start to look forward to Purim!

“My creations and costumes are always so amazing that people have begun to look forward to seeing what I’ll come up with next. The pressure has become enormous: How can I outdo myself year after year? It’s come to the point where I’ve started worrying about whether I’m going to let everyone down. How I wish I could be like that nice lady down the block — she makes it through Purim every year with no pressure at all just handing out little bags of her chocolate chip cookies. And you know what? Everyone loves them! And her!”