When you do need to speak with an ex, what steps can you take to defuse tense conversations and circumvent old triggers?

Positive Communication with an Ex

Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT

Communication is difficult enough when it’s between two loving, committed spouses who share the same goals and values. Couples divorce for many painful reasons, and rocky communication was usually an issue in the marriage.

There could be a lot of pain between ex-spouses, and therefore many trigger responses to certain tones, phrases, or expectations. Yet, most ex-couples do need to communicate about the most important people in their lives — their shared children — and sometimes about other shared responsibilities (businesses, property, etc.).

The most crucial rule for any divorced couple is to never triangulate or involve the children in any way that makes the child feel like she or he has to choose a side. Giving details about the marital conflict or making a child feel like she or he has to comfort their parent(s) is, at its most extreme, a form of emotional abuse, and at best makes the child feel resentful and/or insecure.

When you do need to speak with an ex, what steps can you take to defuse tense conversations and circumvent old triggers?

1) Beware of Texting:

Texting can lead to misunderstandings under the best of circumstances. Tone and intent are very difficult to detect in a text message. Sometimes shorthand comes off as being rude and insensitive. Use text messages only to coordinate logistics — not for any difficult topics.

2) Stay on Topic:

Angry conversations can easily get derailed when talking to your ex-spouse. Because things are easily connected, it can be tempting to go back there. When talking about an upcoming family simchah, stick to what’s relevant and don’t add in comments such as: “Is the same thing going to happen as what happened at Uncle Abie’s wedding?” If there’s a concern, address it directly, not in reference to anything from the past, especially something that was a sore topic. Instead: “I’m feeling worried that there won’t be enough supervision there. Can you please let me know the plan?”

3) Don’t Interrupt Each Other, and Recap Everything

with, “I heard you say,” before answering. It may feel stilted but it’s an excellent practice (in and out of marriage) that can prevent many miscommunications.

4) Give Yourself a Time-Out:

If you find yourself getting worked up, tell your ex-spouse that you need a break from the conversation. Do this respectfully: not, “I can’t talk to you!” (slams down phone), but rather, “I’m feeling upset, I need to put a pause on this discussion. Can I call you back in x amount of time?” Breathe, go for a walk, distract yourself with something or someone else. Then, when you’re ready, write down what you want to say and the outcome you would like. You can include some compromises that you are willing to make. Then refer to your paper during the conversation; in the heat of the moment it can be hard to think logically and clearly.

5) Allow Some Give-and-Take:

If you stick to a die-hard approach that you are always right and your ex-spouse is always wrong, then you’ll be stuck in a perpetual state of conflict and unhappiness. If you’re constantly attempting to hurt or punish your ex-spouse, you miss out on opportunities for compromise and goodwill. Strive for a cordial relationship.

6) Co-parent Effectively:

Make requests instead of statements and demands. Try: “Would you be willing to….” Or “Can we try…” and listen to what your ex-spouse is trying to communicate.

Note: Some situations require no contact or only communicating through a third party/mediator. However, in cases where this isn’t necessary, communicating with boundaries and respect is definitely possible, and will make your life a lot more pleasant.

 Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT is a licensed Marriage and Family therapist in private practice with a speciality in trauma and addiction. Abby lives in Monsey, NY, and maintains her practice in Canada.

No One Is a Mind Reader

Zipora Schuck MA. MS.

Rebbeim and morahs are incredible — but one skill they don’t yet have is telepathy or mind reading. If there’s something important for them to know, please reach out and tell them. Your child is spending many of his waking hours with them, and they need to be in the loop.

Difficult home or family situations and specific challenges your child may have — be they academic, social, developmental, or medical — can impact a student throughout the day. Seemingly less significant, but also important are elements of your child’s personality or learning style that can be shared.

Take the time prior to the beginning of school, early in the year, or any time something arises, to reach out. Confidential information can be kept between the teacher and/or the principal, or shared with any adult in the school you feel should know. There isn’t a grade or age limit to when sharing important information stops.

If teachers are clued in, they can offer extra understanding, attention, accommodation, and support in the classroom, which can go a long way in helping your child become his best self.

Zipora Schuck  MA. MS. is a NYS school psychologist and educational consultant for many schools in the NY/NJ area. She works with students, teachers, principals, and parents to help children be successful.

Slow Down

Shira Savit, MA, MHC, INHC

Healthy eating is not only about healthy food. One component to healthy eating is the speed at which you eat. If you’re a fast eater, consider this: Eating very quickly can put your system into a low level stress response, which slows down metabolism and can hinder digestion. Eating slowly enables your body to do its job much more effectively!

Shira Savit, MA, MHC, INHC is a mental health counselor and integrative nutritionist who specializes in emotional eating, binge eating, and somatic nutrition. Shira works both virtually and in person in Jerusalem.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 810)