In families, a little attention goes a long way

We all need attention, and, in a family, it’s not always easy to get it. It doesn’t matter what size the family is; an only child can compete intensely with one parent to get the other parent’s attention. A wife can compete with her husband’s activities to get his attention. A husband can compete with his mother-in-law or with the community at large to get his wife’s attention.

The struggle for attention can take a myriad of forms. The common denominator is the feeling that we are being shortchanged.

What Is Attention?

“Look at me, Ma! Look what I’m doing!” When kids want a parent’s attention, they aren’t shy about it. They want to be “seen.” A wife may ask her husband for the same: “I’m trying to talk to you. Please look at me.”

But attention comes in other forms as well. For instance, people like to be heard. “I’m trying to tell you something — would you please listen?”

Of course, attention doesn’t always feel good. No one likes to be glared at, yelled at, or pushed around. However, negative attention feels better than no attention at all, and family members will seek this variety when nothing else seems readily available.

Giving Attention

While we all want attention, we aren’t all willing to give it. “I just want to be left alone. I have a crying baby who needs to be held all day and five other kids who need me. By the time my husband comes home, I just want to go to my room and read.”

But suppose this man were to walk in the door and say something like, “Wow — you look exhausted! Let me make you a nice cup of tea and bring you your fuzzy slippers. Don’t move! I’ll get everything for you.” Although the entire operation might take him three minutes or less, it is likely to yield high dividends. Attention is a fuel, charging a person’s energy system.

“My husband often has to work at home at night, and I used to feel ignored. But then I started working harder at initiating connection. I see that when I bring him some coffee and a treat, he feels looked after. It makes him friendlier and more helpful and brings us closer.”

The Economy of Attention

A little attention yields big payoffs. We can learn to use our attention reserves wisely, getting the most for our investment, as it were. For instance, when walking into a room full of children, it’s energy efficient to give one big dose of attention for a minute or so, spreading it around evenly.

“Hey, everyone — do you see what Michoel is building with the blocks? What a clever brother you guys have!” In one swoop the parent talks to every child in the room, giving a broad smile to everyone as she praises the builder: it’s an all-inclusive attentive moment. Had the parent only complimented the builder, on the other hand, then all the others would start vying for her attention: “Oh, I built a better one yesterday” or “I can build an even better one — just watch this!”

“We make a big deal out of birthdays in our family — it’s a way to give special attention to each person in their turn. But everyone else gets attention too, because each person is encouraged to enhance the celebration. It’s a chance for our poem writers to write birthday poems, our artists to make decorations, our organizers to arrange the table, our bakers to make birthday treats. Everyone celebrates and is celebrated.”

A smile is probably the easiest way to shower attention within the family. Flash a big one to a spouse walking in the door, a child struggling over homework, a teen making a snack in the kitchen. Try looking directly into the eyes of the person you are smiling at in order to enhance the effectiveness of this five-second attention powerhouse. Hugs and friendly pats are equally powerful forms of attention and cost very little in terms of energy and resources.

Remembering to connect in these small ways will result in less stress and fatigue because loved ones won’t have to “bother” you for your attention; they are getting what they need. Moreover, as you create an attentive climate in your home, you are very likely to enjoy reciprocity. Your loved ones will attend to you the same way that you’ve been attending to them.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 403)