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| Out of Step |

Out of Step: Chapter 3

I need to rush home, do homework, go out for Chinese with Goldie, a long-standing Monday night tradition, and — sigh — apologize to Ma about not listening to her explain what happened to Babby

“J

eté, jeté, plié. And streeeetch!” Shayna calls out.

I wipe my forehead with the back of my hand and lower my leg off the barre slowly, holding the stretch. I’m smiling for no reason, but ballet just seems to get my adrenaline pumping. I glance around the studio. Atara is holding her last pose, trying to see how long she can withstand the burn, Pori is on the floor stretching already, and Michali is holding a torn ribbon, ruefully examining her slipper. I hold back a snort; Michali’s always ripping something or falling down, but when she’s actually dancing, she’s as graceful as Shayna.

Shayna twirls once and shouts, “Cool down, girls!”

I watch the instructor spin. Okay, almost as graceful as Shayna. No one is really that graceful; it’s like, where we all have bones and joints, she just has fluidity.

I start the cool-down, my mind already on the rest of my day. I need to rush home, do homework, go out for Chinese with Goldie, a long-standing Monday night tradition, and — sigh — apologize to Ma about not listening to her explain what happened to Babby.

Atara comes to stand next to me, arms folded as she watches me cool down. Her new pendant necklace is nestled in her collarbone, and I watch it glint from my upside-down position. I’m totally obsessed, but it’s a pricy gift; she’d received it for graduation. There’s no way Ma and Daddy can afford something like that. Which is okay, I’m fine with that. I’d received super-cute luggage that I’d hoped to use in Eretz Yisrael… I just really, really like her necklace.

I flip upward and spring onto my toes. “Ready!” I say in a jack-in-the-box voice, and Atara cracks up. We spy Pori shaking her head at us, and that just makes us laugh harder.

***

The waiter deposits a plate of fried dumplings onto the table. Goldie thanks him while I inhale happily. “Now that looks amazing,” I say. Goldie looks at the table covered in two types of chicken, eggrolls, chow mein noodles, and beef with broccoli. “Um, do you think we ordered too much food?”

I follow her eyes and shrug. “Maybe a little,” I say, and we giggle.

For two girls, we can sure put it away.

I’m really lucky that out of all the prospects Ma was researching when Benny was in shidduchim, I got Goldie as a sister-in-law. Besides for being totally adorable with amazing clothing and — thank you Hashem! — the same size shoe as me, she’s the nicest person in the entire world. Literally. I have never heard her say a single mean thing about anybody. Which is why I’m not sure she’s the exact right address for my confessions, but I have nobody else.

“Goldie, how bad was it the other night?”

Goldie twirls noodles onto her fork thoughtfully. “I think it was valid that you were upset about the trip being canceled. I mean, you did work sooo hard.”

I nod, appreciating the validation.

“Buuut, you didn’t really let Ma finish speaking, which wasn’t super-respectful.”

That’s Goldie-ese for “you were a total brat.”

I drop my eyes to my plate.

“Goldie, how bad is it with Babby? Is she, I mean, can she…” My voice trails off. Goldie looks totally horrified.

“Ohmygosh, no! I mean, you know, not now! She’s young! It’s just Zeidy was at work, and she was alone, and so besides the broken bone, she bruised her back, and she’s just in agony, and Mommy used the vacation money to hire an aide for a few months.”

Goldie claps a hand over her mouth. “Oops, I wasn’t supposed to tell you that, about the aide.”

I roll my eyes. Daddy and Ma are not super into discussing finances with us, but hi, I’m not four. I think I can handle.

After reassuring Goldie that she didn’t spill trade secrets, I settle back onto the maroon vinyl bench with my eyes closed, feeling like the worst person in the world and also very sorry for myself.

I think Goldie only realizes how bummed I am when I turn down the last eggroll. She looks slightly alarmed as she leans forward.

“Bells, everything is going to be okay. Babby will heal, b’ezras Hashem, Ma is fine, and you’re going to get to Eretz Yisrael, if not in January, then later on. And either way, we want Mashiach to come, right? So you’ll get there super-soon.”

I give a weak smile. Goldie’s the best, but sometimes she’s just too sweet.

“Right,” I say. “Okay, should we get back? I’ve got some apologizing to do.”

***

Mommy is paying bills at the kitchen table when I get home, which might not make it the greatest time, but I need to just get this over with. Uch, I hate apologies. You know, when I’m the one giving them. I’m totally fine with getting them.

“Ma?”

“Hmm?”

“Uh, I just wanted to say I’m sorry about Babby.”

Mommy looks at me over the edge of her purple plastic glasses.

Uuuuuuch. “Aaaand, I’m sorry I ran out while you were in middle of speaking.”

Mommy doesn’t say anything, and then she pulls me into a hug.

I feel like a weight has been lifted, but when we break apart, I see tears on Mommy’s face.

“Ma?”

“It’s nothing,” she says thickly. “I’m just a bit overwhelmed.”

So I head upstairs, my heart breaking for my mother’s load. Just another feeling to add to the list. How many can there be before I actually burst into one million pieces, I think morbidly, and then head off to the shower.

(Originally featured in Mishpacha Jr., Issue 779)

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Tagged: Out of Step