Nuances of Complaining

Incessant complaining differs from the occasional kvetch. The former is a state of being, the latter is an unhappy expression of the moment. However, experts warn, we need to be careful that the occasional kvetch doesn’t become habitual.

“When any behavior is repeated,” says Travis Bradberry, “the neurons in the brain branch out to each other to ease the flow of information, making it much easier to repeat that behavior in the future. Consistent complaining makes that the default behavior, so that over time, the individual finds it easier to be negative than to be positive.”

There’s also a distinction between crying out and complaining. “Crying out is an expression of distress,” says Rivka Malka Perlman, life coach in Baltimore, Maryland. “I’m in pain and I want to find a way to move forward. That’s a human experience that wants to be heard. Complaining, on the other hand, is having a temper tantrum at life.”

According to Rebbetzin Lori Palatnik of the Jewish Women’s Renaissance Project based in Rockville, Maryland, many people are unaware that they actually are complainers. “They take pride in being discerning. If you don’t point it out, they often don’t even know they’re doing it,” she shares. “Some people are complainers by nature; they were simply born, as my mother would say, ‘sunny-side down.’ Also, who you hang out with is who you become. Even someone who was born ‘sunny-side up,’ if surrounded by negative complainers, can be impacted and move to the ‘dark side.’ ”

Oftentimes complaining is a social unifier, a way of connecting to each other. Like, “Can you believe the price of tomatoes went up again? That’s it, no more tomatoes in my salads.”

“Sometimes,” Melissa says, “it’s behavior learned from our family. If we grew up with complainers, that may be part of the family culture or language, or the way we learned how to connect with people.

“In addition, our current culture lends itself to negativity, which comes, in part, from societal expectations that everything has to be perfect, or instantly understood or satisfying. Sometimes complaining is just occasional small talk, but chronic complaining is just like writing your own bad movie, watching it, believing it, and feeling bad.” It’s not about denying our thoughts and feelings, it’s about understanding how to respond to them in a way that’s productive.

Complaining could also just be immature expressions. Like on social media — “Stuck in traffic again!!! Lucky me!!”

“What this individual is really trying to say,” offers Rivka Malka, “is ‘I wish I could get home already, I’m tired and need to rest.’ Everybody rallies around the complaint, thinking the negative reality is all there is. Imagine how much more powerful it would be if everybody could rally around gratefulness.”

An even deeper source of complaining comes from an inherent lack of self-worth, which is when the complaining transforms into a state of being rather than just the negative words we’re using.

“How much we felt loved and cared for growing up can impact our ‘complaint quota,’ ” says Lori. “If we never felt nurtured or taken care of, we can spend a lifetime trying to fill that void, which of course is insatiable, so we’ll always be disappointed — and that, of course, leads to complaining.”

Individuals with low self-esteem resort to placing blame on others in order to boost their own self-image. Melissa suggests that underneath chronic complaining lies an individual who may have a fear of self-reflecting, or of not getting her needs met, or of not mattering. Subconsciously, she may not feel safe.

“I had an aunt,” she shares, “who was known in the family for always complaining at restaurants. She’d send the soup back because it wasn’t hot enough, or the meat because it was undercooked. I believe it was because she subconsciously felt unnoticed and unimportant. It was her way of trying to put herself on the map and get the attention and self-worth she desperately felt was missing.”

Spiritual detachment and feeling disconnected from spouse and family can also lead to a complaining attitude. “Sometimes, when we’re unaware of what we’re really feeling,” says Melissa, “complaining is a way of waking us up to what’s going on inside us.” Exploring that can be very revealing.

Occasionally, experts agree, we do need to vent and unclog and let our emotion move through us. Every now and then whining may be okay. The main thing is not to get stuck in it. Melissa explains that legitimate complaining to the right ears is an expression of what we need. “It’s okay to want some significant other to say, ‘Oh, honey, I realize how hard this is.’ But getting into negative thought habits never has a positive effect.”

“We can look toward repurposing our pain, not just reiterating it. And from a spiritual perspective, if someone is, for example, complaining and saying, ‘It’s raining again,’ they’re in effect saying G-d is making a mistake. That’s something we need to think about.”

The Solution to Complaining

Depending on the source of the complaining, there are various steps to take when an urge to complain comes on. The first is recognizing the need to change.

“Just like with an alcoholic,” says Lori, “the worst thing is not accepting that there’s a problem. When you point it out, often the response is, ‘Well, that’s just the way I am.’ Hashem agrees that that is the way you are. Now change!

“Ideally our default should be gam zu l’tovah, somehow this is for my good. If we must point out an error or lacking, it should be framed with constructive criticism, not by complaining or whining.”

Some people complain so much that they unwittingly make grumbling part of their identity. “Observe others’ reactions to your words,” says Will Bowen, complaint expert and trainer, author of A Complaint Free World: How to Stop Complaining and Start Enjoying the Life You Always Wanted. “Listening to a complainer can be energy-draining, so they may show displeasure or annoyance on their faces or in interactions.”

According to Bowen, changing a complaining habit isn’t simply positive thinking or being a pushover. “I find that most complainers are doormats. In other words, they get to work and they complain about their family, and then they come home from work and they complain about work to their family. They never speak to the person who can actually improve the situation, which is what they need to do.”

Figure out the outcome you’re looking for and then work with the people who can actually do something about it. Individuals who’ve gotten into the habit of excessive complaining may also want to try to cultivate an attitude of gratitude. When you feel like complaining, shift your attention to something you’re grateful for.

“Taking time to contemplate what you’re grateful for isn’t merely the right thing to do,” says Travis Bradberry. “It actually reduces cortisol by 23 percent.”

Moreover, research conducted at the University of California found that people who worked daily to cultivate an attitude of gratitude experienced improved mood and energy and significantly less anxiety due to lower cortisol levels.

But there are times when just saying, “I must stop complaining and start being grateful” doesn’t work, because it’s essentially still complaining, just turned inward against ourselves, especially if we add a “What’s the matter with me?” to it.

“Recognizing the magnificence of our soul and understanding how much G-d loves us is the key ingredient to breaking the complaining habit,” advises Rivka Malka. “When we get to the place where we see G-d guiding us as the most loving coach, setting up obstacles for us out of His pure love, the complaints fall away.”

Also, she notes, another wonderful way to encourage positivity is through the ever-growing popular womens’ learning groups that focus on faith (emunah) building.

It’s about changing the lens to see the beauty of what we can accomplish in this world. “We’re not getting beaten up by a random person, but being given challenges to make us grow. When we practice our ‘G-d loves me’ muscle and understand that He does whatever it takes for us to fulfill our mission, the calm comes and the complaints leave.

“We have to be gentle with ourselves,” continues Rivka Malka. “This morning I woke up in a complaining mood. Then I put on harp music in the kitchen as I made breakfast for my family, which moved me back into a more harmonious place.”

Get to the Root of the Issue

If the unhappiness driving the complaints comes from a deeper source, identify what it is that’s compelling you to complain. “It’s important to use our complaints as a source of gentle, curious information about what we may fear or believe and what we feel we need,” shares Melissa.

She suggests asking ourselves, “Do I feel I need more faith/understanding/money/time/love/rest/attention/anything else?” Once we identify our wants and needs and our beliefs about them, we can look into how to best tend to them.”

We can pray. We can consult. We can seek rabbinic guidance and spiritual inspiration. We can respond to our thoughts and feelings in a way that points us toward growth, peace, and progress, whether by turning to prayer — while accepting that not all of our needs can always be met — or by making concrete changes to improve the situation.

Let’s say you tend to complain about your spouse. Try to discern if there’s one issue at the heart of all your complaints. For example, “My spouse doesn’t listen to me when I talk about what’s happening in my life,” should be further explored.

Is it true that he never listens at all? In what situations does he listen? When doesn’t he listen? Is it certain topics he won’t discuss or does this happen at a certain time of day or after a specific activity? Is there something I need to change here? Maybe barraging your husband with stories of your day as soon as he walks through the door after work is not such a great idea. Maybe we have different ideas on how to recognize when a spouse is listening. Identifying what we’re really trying to communicate through constant complaining goes a long way into figuring out how to eventually eradicate it.

If you’re in a perpetually negative state, such as a state of panic or self-pity, you may need professional help to come to the understanding that these negative thought patterns do not help you feel safe and do not motivate you to change, and that there is a way to overcome those feelings.

Knowledge Is Power

Talya shares that her journey to healing can be aptly described by the words of the Chumash in parshas Lech Lecha. One commentary explains that this verse, which literally means to go away from your country, your house, and your family, also means to go back to learning about yourself by detaching from family and home.

She describes the first part of her journey as the time she spent gathering knowledge about herself, what was going on inside her, and why. She also spent time understanding how the brain works.

“The key to healing is understanding that we have power over our minds and that we possess free will,” she says.

Talya learned about how habits are learned and how they can be unlearned. She learned that rather than her mind controlling her, she could actually control her mind.

“I’m now the observer of my mind. I understand that my thoughts are not me,” Talya says. She likens her thoughts to helium balloons with no strings attached. “When I get stuck in a thought, that means I’ve attached a string to my balloon. Through cognitive work I’ve learned that my former negative perceptions were faulty. Meditation calms me and helps me to go back to being the observer of my mind.”

The brain, Talya explains, is an amazing computer system, but needs to be programmed properly. She frequently tells her mind, “Nope, we’re not thinking that, we’re not going there,” when the whirl of negativity pulls. “I talk to myself every day,” she says. She works on positively focusing on her goals and her purpose in life and discerning what is in her power to control and what is not, consistently returning to the new skills she’s learned.

Rivka Malka speaks about the language she and her clients use around the saboteur/inner critic/complaining voice in their heads. “When the complaining comes into the conversation, we might say, ‘Hello, Mr. Kvetch’ or ‘Look who’s here, the grumpy lady.’ Some clients refer to it as their five-year-old self who feels she’s not being heard. I’ll ask her if she feels heard now. I’ll remind her that at this moment she’s okay.”

Rivka Malka explains that the goal is to separate the person from his mechanism of complaining and to do it with gentle compassion and even humor. Trying to force a person into a positive relationship with G-d never works, she says, but if we model unconditional love to him, it softens him into a relationship with Hashem that is beyond complaining. “If they can feel taken care of by me and they can feel their greatness is appreciated, then they feel safe enough to start experimenting with a more trusting relationship with Hashem.”

Changing Your Tune

An individual who is connected to the divinity of her soul, who understands the invaluable contribution she makes to the world, cannot be a complainer. Talya admits that her life and her relationships have made a 180-degree turnaround because of her work to become more positive.

Whether we choose the cognitive approach or the deep inner work approach, or a combination, changing a consistently negative outlook expressed by a consistently disgruntled voice can be challenging and painstaking work. But as Talya shares, “I am living with my purpose now. I am one with myself and G-d. I feel centered and present. I’m available to really listen to others without being stuck in my own self.

“And what’s most exciting,” she adds brightly, “is that not only do people now enjoy being around me but I enjoy being around me.”

One-Minute Fixes

Things you can do when you feel yourself sliding into kvetch mode

Leave the room.

Removing yourself from the situation can be the best way to break the cycle of complaining.

Move your body.

Immediate physical activity can distract you from blurting out those complaints, so (if socially acceptable) wave your hands, bounce on your toes, or walk around the room.

Write it down.

The next time something really gets to you, write it down in a journal. Or go to a private corner and repeat it to yourself aloud. This allows you to get out your gripe without telling others and annoying them.

Say a positive affirmation.

Rather than focusing on the negative, focus on the positive in yourself and others.

Smile.

How can you complain while smiling?

Wear a rubber bracelet.

When you catch yourself complaining, move the bracelet from one wrist to the other. Attaching a physical action to a behavior helps a person realize how often they’re engaging in the behavior they want to change.

Stop.

The next time you catch yourself about to say something negative, replace the complaint with a prayer or a mantra or simply say the word “Stop.”

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 623)