I may be the matriarch of the family, but I feel sidelined by the younger ones

Q:

I am a 61-year-young mother and mother-in-law. That is, I feel young. I work, work out, host, socialize, and help out with the grandkids. I’m in great health, I look good (so everyone tells me), and I feel great. Now that I have daughters and daughters-in-law in their thirties and forties, I feel that the age gap between us is closing. They’re approaching middle-age, and I feel middle-aged, too. I love going out for coffee with the girls and schmoozing with each one, one-on-one.

However, something happened last night that really threw me off, especially because I now realize that this has been happening more and more lately, but I wasn’t really paying attention.

I took the five girls who live in town to a special fundraiser production. I arrived first, so I took a seat and saved five more. I left two seats closest to the aisle empty so that two of the girls could sit beside me and then I saved three more chairs to the right of me.

The girls all arrived a few minutes later and, looking at the seating arrangement, one of my daughters-in-law said, “Hey, why don’t we take the row ahead of us. It’s totally empty! Is that okay, Mom?” And before I had a chance to figure out what was going on, the five of them squeezed into that row, leaving one seat for me, the one closest to the aisle.

I got up and moved to my new seat, but I was devastated. First of all, this outing was my treat. And now it was suddenly clear that I was the “extra” here. Is this where I’m headed now? The younger women will be the main actors in the family and I’ll be chopped liver? Is there anything I can do about this, or do I just have to accept my new, unfortunate place in the scheme of things?

A:

You’re asking an important question. But before we delve into it, I want to reflect on the feeling you expressed that you might now be “chopped liver.” Looking up the history of the phrase, “What am I, chopped liver?” I found this explanation: (this is) An expression used to express annoyance at being overlooked or treated as unimportant, stemming from the idea that chopped liver is a relatively minor and insignificant food item.

The world has obviously changed since the phrase was invented because now, at least where I live, chopped liver is an expensive delicacy reserved by many for special occasions only!

Here’s the thing. Because you feel “middle-aged” and your girls are getting closer to middle-age, you feel like you’re one of them. As you said, “The gap is closing.” I’ve read that the soul always feels around 30 years of age — young, fresh, full of life. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but I do know that many people in their sixties, seventies, and beyond continue to feel young and vibrant, even while looking older and more wrinkled.

You feel like one of the girls, but the girls continue to see you for who you really are — a mature Jewish mother. While 61 is far from old (especially these days), it’s also far from 31. Your kids in their thirties and forties see you as much older than they are. To them, you’re different: yes older, but also motherly, nurturing, protective, giving, caretaking, wise. To them you’re a resource, a gift, a rock, a source of stability and continuity. You’re the modern chopped liver, the special treat in their lives that they’re privileged to enjoy.

They wouldn’t have been at the fundraiser without you. They need you to be the matriarch that you are, bringing the family together, holding it together. They don’t need you to be one of them, and they don’t want you to be one of them.

And sadly for you, you can never be one of them no matter how young you feel or look.

Can you do something about this? Yes. Recognize the age gap and honor it. Either enjoy being the “mother” when you’re with the girls, or consider bringing along someone your own age to socialize with when you’re alone with them. Enjoy your seniority in this group, knowing that these young women look up to you. They’ve put you in a different, higher category. Put yourself there, too.

Respect who you are and who you’ve become in the decades that have advanced you and understand what you can contribute to your children and grandchildren. Meanwhile, be sure to maintain your own social circle. You’ll all feel young together and this will nurture YOU, which will strengthen you to be able to remain in the slightly lonely position of the one at the top.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 940)