You: “This year I am going to get up half an hour earlier every morning so that I can be calm and relaxed while getting the children off to school.”
Inner Voice: “Who do you think you’re fooling? It’s not going to happen! You’re too tired to get up earlier.”
You: “Okay then. I won’t get up earlier but I’ll get the kids’ lunches ready the night before. That will save me half an hour in the morning.”
Inner Voice: “Yeah right. That will last about a week before you notice that you’re way too busy at night to add yet another task. Forget it.”
You: “You might have a point. Well here’s what I can definitely do. I will from now on go to bed earlier so that I am at least more rested in the morning. That way I’ll find it easier to be pleasant to everyone even if I am in a bit of a rush.”
Inner Voice: “Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Tell me another one!”
What’s going on here? Who is that “inner voice” who is so negative about all your excellent plans for creating a better morning experience for your family? Actually you may not even be aware of this character chattering away inside of you. Indeed many people make their plans for teshuvah — without listening in. Only afterward when their plans fall through do they even realize that there was another voice — a dissenting opinion that managed to undermine the whole project. Note: As long as there is even one part of you that is not on board with your goal you will not succeed in your teshuvah. That one part can and will sabotage your plans.
The Nature of Inner Conflict
The truth is that we always have more than one set of thoughts and feelings for every occasion. For instance suppose you’ve invited a friend to your son’s bar mitzvah celebration and your friend declines the invitation. Although you feel disappointed and maybe even hurt you tell yourself that you shouldn’t feel upset because after all this friend must have a very good reason for not being able to attend. However now that you have denied yourself permission to feel upset you find yourself getting a tension headache.
Here’s a breakdown of what might be happening inside. Three inner voices are communicating. The first voice (sensitive Inner Child) says “Ouch — that hurts. I thought for sure this friend would be at the simchah.” The second voice (Mr. or Mrs. Reasonable Adult) says to the first one: “You have no right to feel pain. That lady has her own life to attend to.” The third voice (helpful Negotiator) says “How ’bout I re-route that psychic pain for you to the muscles of your head?” YOU now have a headache.
This same group of inner players accompanies you all throughout your day. You lose your patience with your uncooperative five-year-old raising your voice as you order him to shape up. Your inner players all have commentary to offer: “Why are you screaming at him? He’s just a little kid.” “Yes but he’s driving me crazy and I can’t take it anymore!” “You’re such a bad parent. You’re acting just like your mother.” “Leave her alone — can’t you see she’s exhausted and overwhelmed?” “You’re a failure!” “I’m so depressed!” No wonder we’re exhausted at the end of a day.
Organizing the Team for Teshuvah
Instead of letting the voices run amok you can take charge helping them to cooperate their way into powerful plans for teshuvah. Once you recognize that there are always going to be many voices you can use this information to help you address their needs so that they will be able to address yours. It all starts with listening in.
For instance suppose you want to stop losing your patience this year with your most challenging child. Take the initiative — ask all of your inner players what they think about this idea and listen to their responses: “Impossible!” “Go for it!” “I can’t.” “I can and I will!” Treat your inner voices as if they were real people. Ask each negative part what it needs in order to change that feeling. For instance: “I hear you saying that you can’t help yourself. What do you need in order to be able to maintain control?” “When Junior is misbehaving I need someone to remind me that Hashem is watching me and recording everything.” “I’ll be happy to remind you of that.”
By consciously interviewing our inner cast of characters we can succeed at our goals for this year while avoiding having our body express our inner conflicts for us. And while it may seem a little strange keep in mind that talking to ourselves isn’t nearly as crazy as letting negative inner voices foil our plans for self-improvement!
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