M

y son is 23 and just starting to date. Baruch Hashem we have a nice stack of resumes and have started looking into some names. My sister-in-law recently suggested a girl from out of town insisting that she’s really special. I don’t mean to be narrow-minded but is there anything wrong with not wanting to consider out-of-town suggestions when baruch Hashem we have many in-town names? Everything about it seems so complicated from the dating to the wedding to where the couple would live. And to be honest the resumes all sound pretty similar so what would I gain?

Keeping It Close to Home

 

Dear Close

Ah the old “out-of-town” dilemma. To date them or not to date them… that is the question. You raise several valid points; let’s look at them first.

When embarking upon any venture it’s wise to do a cost-benefit analysis: What do I stand to gain relative to what I have to invest? This is the most basic formula employed in any decision making. There are a number of costs here and I believe you’re asking if they’re necessary.

The first and most obvious cost is well the cost. Dating an out-of-towner can be expensive. Unfortunately in today’s world a man is no longer required to go out and look for a wife as prescribed by Chazal. (Don’t get me started on that.) Save the rare boy who’s willing to honor that role most boys expect that the girl will come to meet them for the first round of dating. To offset that initial outlay of effort on her part it’s generally expected that the two will go out at least twice “to give things a chance.” So we’re starting with a minimum of two dates.

If the encounter offers promise the understanding generally is that the boy would then travel to her town for the next series of dates whereupon we begin to incur serious expenses.

All these “rules” about required dates out of town can often distort the intensity of the relationship forcing things to go further and faster than they would were the couple dating in the same town and they can complicate the ability to move along steadily and rationally.

Furthermore much as we don’t like to admit it in polite company there are stereotypes often masked as humor that perpetuate the distance between in-towners and out-of-towners. There’s real fear that the cultural gap will be too wide to bridge.

The next cost which cannot be quantified is time. Whether your son is learning working or in school going out of town will cause a disruption of routine. A three-hour date can take two days. Scheduling can become a nightmare as they juggle his schedule with her schedule and with Delta’s. Additionally many boys are uncomfortable staying at a stranger’s home and feel lost planning a date off their turf. To borrow a sports metaphor they lose the home advantage.

Should they be so fortunate as to be each other’s bashert the logistical details of planning a l’chayim vort and certainly a wedding can make a grown woman cry. Your town my town where when sheva brachos… they all become a muddled mass that can block rational thought. And the fear that Heaven forfend the couple might end up living out of town is enough of a deterrent for some mothers so that they close the discussion before it even starts.

I’m from out of town. I bear witness to the fact that every one of these issues and more are serious and valid concerns. But they ignore one vital fact: Your son’s bashert may be from out of town.

The argument that you have a stack of r?sum?s to choose from is only valid if you’re looking for a date for your son. But you’re looking for a wife. Sure he can get lots of dates but he only needs one wife.

So why would you bother? Because you might find a gem of a girl who meets your son’s needs in a way that in-town girls might not. When he first starts out you might be tempted to keep it close to home because it’s more convenient and let’s be honest it feels emotionally safer. It’s a risk to broaden your horizon. But know your son. Let his needs be the foremost consideration.

Much as I hate to generalize I’m going to anyway. Out-of-town girls bring freshness a simplicity and an idealism that’s born from living in a smaller community. When these “mixed marriages” do occur the in-towners are often bowled over by the hachnassas orchim and warmth they experience when they come for the vort and the wedding. The girls’ material expectations are often lower and there’s more room for individuality.

If any of these considerations are a maileh for your son keep an open mind. There’s a world beyond the East Coast and it contains some very special girls and their special families.

May your son find the right girl from the right place at the right time

Sara

 

Sara Eisemann LMSW ACSW is a licensed social worker and a columnist for inshidduchim.com. She also lectures on topics related to relationships personal development and growth. She welcomes questions comments feedback and interaction at inshidduchim@mishpacha.com.