“Rebbetzin Weinberg expected us to set up homes according to Torah values, but she didn’t want us to stick out as obvious baalei teshuvah”

An Alumnus Speaks [The Queen of Kiruv / Issue 838]

“The Queen of Kiruv” was an excellent potpourri of vignettes that offered a tangible glimpse into the person Rebbetzin Denah Weinberg was. I’d like to add a couple of important points.

I had the privilege of attending EYAHT in the early 1990s. I was drawn to the small, close-knit atmosphere of EYAHT with Rebbetzin Weinberg’s emphasis on personal growth and total dedication to Judaism. As the article mentions, she raised the bar high and we were always challenged to be better and reach higher. A typical ten-hour day of classes combined intensive Jewish philosophy and texts (with tests) as well as practical halachah, shalom bayis, and chinuch habanim.

But there wasn’t pressure to perform and achieve; everyone grew at her own pace. One aspect that balanced the atmosphere was that EYAHT was truly a family. We were invited to all the Weinberg family simchahs, and even those of the other teachers. I surmise that Rebbetzin Weinberg had two agendas: one was to include us because she considered us like family, and the other was to teach us what a Jewish simchah looks like. We went to weddings, brisim, pidyon habens, and even funerals of teachers’ family members. Such experiential learning taught us more than any text could.

Rebbetzin Weinberg also mandated practical experiential learning like cleaning teachers’ homes for Pesach, and classes in cooking and sewing. While we may have balked at the time, I can honestly say that it was excellent preparation for running a home (and I actually like Pesach cleaning!).

The overarching goal of this kind of experiential learning to complement the phenomenal in-class learning was to help EYAHT students mainstream into frum life. Rebbetzin Weinberg expected us to set up homes according to Torah values, but she didn’t want us to stick out as obvious baalei teshuvah. She encouraged us to keep or improve our family relationships while instilling in us the notion that we could one day join mainstream frum society.

I think I can speak for the majority of alumnae who are eternally grateful to Rebbetzin Weinberg who gave us the hashkafos and teachings we needed to build a solid foundation as Jewish women, mothers, wives, grandmothers, and members of our communities.

SB

Israel

Not Just Baalei Teshuvah [The Queen of Kiruv / Issue 838]

In response to “The Queen of Kiruv” feature by Ariella Schiller, Rebbetzin Lori Palatnik, and a group of Rebbetzin Weinberg’s Aish/EYAHT students, I feel the need to add that Rabbi Noach and Denah Weinberg’s work, although famous for helping those “returning” to Judaism, was also geared to “upgrading” and strengthening those already in the “know,” namely the FFB community, and I hope Aish and its many centers and supporters keeps this in mind going forward.

Society often takes for granted that those born and raised religious “have it made” and don’t need support or special guidance, but as we know, we all do at one time or another! I remember meeting Rebbetzin for the first time in her home in 2008 after a very traumatic event in my life that left me in a vulnerable state of mind. I felt like I said things I shouldn’t have said to a Rebbetzin in the meeting, and then said, “You know what, I was brought up religious and should know better than what I said, maybe I shouldn’t be here.” (Although I’d just trekked halfway across the world to come to EYAHT!)

The Rebbetzin looked unperturbed by whatever I said about my frustrated feelings on religion at the moment, and then let out a smirk. “Right,” she said. “So you think you’re the only frum-from-birth student to come here?” Then she said in her famous singsong (that only she could pull off without sounding silly), “No you’re Nahhhht! This is the place for you,” she said with a warm and confident smile.

She then asked me if I still feel happy to keep Shabbos, without an ounce of judgment in the question. I said a hands-down “Yes.” Her face looked like she'd just won the lottery when she heard that!

“Okay then, it’s going to be great!” she responded. I later learned about Rebbetzin’s well-known “healthy obsession” with Shabbos, and so now I get why that was her number one question.

During my couple of stays at EYAHT over the years as an FFB, I immediately appreciated that the kiruv experience entailed nonjudgmental, and a no-holds-barred question-friendly classroom environment. It also stood out to me that the EYAHT/ Aish teachers and faculty were beyond warm, compassionate, and opened their hearts and homes up to all students — days, nights, and on Shabbosim.

I really hope the Aish administrators, Rabbis/Rebbetzins, and supporters around the country (and world) continue to serve baalei teshuvah, as well as the “frum-from-birth” communities and individuals, as many need it. I read how Reb Noach himself used to give special learning series in Lakewood and in yeshivos in Israel as well, since the “King and Queen of Kiruv” understood that we all need kiruv in a loving and supportive way throughout our own personal journeys, no matter where we come from!

Elisheva Lock

An Important Conversation [Inbox / Issue 836]

To the letter writer who signed her name “Sick of the Singles Crisis” and complained about the overdramatization of the issue, I, too, am sick of the “singles crisis.” And I, too, am tired of how all unmarried individuals are grouped into one so-called “crisis.” (And it’s unfortunate that it’s only worthy of being dissected because it’s a “crisis.”)

However, I believe it’s a good thing that it’s being spoken about. The fact of the matter is that as singles, many of us aren’t treated right. We’re seen as girls (or boys), no matter our age; we’re unheard in our struggle; and many decisions we make regarding our own future are criticized and judged.

You’re right, Hashem will send each of us a shidduch when the time is right, no matter what initiative or project is started. But meanwhile, our community can and should be made aware of their skewed perception of us, based on something that is as much in our control as the amount of rain that will fall in a day.

People who are unmarried are often painted in a negative/nebachdig light. And that has to stop.

But we shouldn’t stop trying to help others in situations that are difficult and often sad. And in order to do that, there has to be room for conversation. Obviously, it shouldn’t stop there; the conversation needs to happen there because things need to change.

Anonymous

The Mother Is the Problem [Second Guessing / Issue 836]

I really enjoyed Ariella Schiller’s new column, “Second Guesses,” and look forward to future installments, but I was very perturbed by Atara’s behavior in the most recent story, “Coming Clean.”

Atara has sent her oldest daughter, Rivka Baila, to seminary in Israel, with the understanding — the only reason her husband agreed to send her — that she would not come home for Pesach. When her niece gets engaged, however, Atara relents and agrees to bring Rivka Baila back for Pesach. They will pay for her ticket by canceling their cleaning help and having Rivka Baila help them make Pesach. Of course, these plans fall short when Rivka Baila postpones chores to get together with friends, or distractedly completes errands the wrong way, culminating in a blowup when her parents publicly confront Rivka Baila after she skips out on a very important cleaning task to accompany her cousin to the sheitelmacher.

When Rivka Baila is hurt and cold afterward, Atara wonders if they were right to confront her. But the problems here started so long before their showdown! As Atara herself says, “I miss her every day...and not just because she’s my righthand man, but because she’s my best friend and I miss having her around.”

No, Atara — she’s not your best friend; she’s your daughter. And Atara’s desire to cast herself as Rivka Baila’s best friend is the clear catalyst for this later confusion. (Even after their public argument, Atara is lamenting only the loss of their DMCs!)

Atara, you and your husband weren’t wrong for confronting your daughter in front of her cousin, even if you embarrassed her. You were wrong for failing to enact any boundaries or expectations in your relationship. You’ve taught Rivka Baila, time and time again, that her whims supersede your directives — and you have only yourself to blame for the lessons she absorbed. The one who needs a confrontation is your parenting skills.

Rivka T.

Adult Kids Are Adults  [Second Guessing / Issue 836]

In “Coming Clean,” Atara wonders if she was wrong for yelling at her daughter when she went with her cousin to a sheitelmacher’s appointment instead of staying home to clean the fridge and oven for Pesach as she’d promised.

First of all — it’s always, always wrong to rebuke a child publicly. Someone who embarrassed someone in public loses their chelek in Olam Haba! Even if their daughter was acting incorrectly, Ari and Atara should speak with her in private. I hope they didn’t cause a permanent rift in their relationship.

But second — I don’t understand why they needed to jump to the conclusion that she needed to be rebuked. Yes, she’d gone out on a night when she had some big cleaning tasks… so what? Atara herself said that the tasks would take three hours. Her daughter can clean from 12 to 3 a.m., if that’s what she desires. What matters is that she keep her commitment — and at 18, it’s up to her how she chooses to fulfill that commitment.

This is Atara’s oldest child, and it’s clear she hasn’t yet learned that part of the process of raising children to be adults is treating them as adults. And yes, adults need to keep their commitments, but they can choose the circumstances in which they do so. Yelling at an adult daughter publicly isn’t only embarrassing — it’s infantilizing.

Mimi S.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 840)